No Regrets

I am getting bored. Many friends are sick or are recovering and cannot come over for play groups. I cannot pick JD up for 3 more weeks, therefore I cannot get him in my car (he sits down if you try to walk him where you want him to go) and go anywhere. And even if I could, I would either have no room in the grocery cart for all 3 kids and groceries, or be able to get JD in the cart, or be able to carry EK in a sling while pushing a cart (with C-sections you can't lift or carry or push anything greater than 10 lbs or your child for 6 weeks, mine of which is probably greater than 10 lbs now; I honor this to enable me the likelihood of being able to bear more children). LJ is getting bored. He has never been more mean to his brother or more selfish and disrespectful, and he has spent the last month going in time outs. JD is getting bored of his toys. Now, Christmas has been a wonderful diversion on one hand, providing them with all sorts of new toys. On the other hand, it has made LJ ever more selfish. I'm sure some of the selfishness and meanness are acting out of having baby at home now, adding to the taking away of Mommy, which never sits well with LJ. But I am thankful. I wouldn't trade any of my children for anything, and I adore EK, despite the disruption LJ and JD so obviously feel. JD, though, does adore her - he loves holding her (with my assistance), hugging her, patting her, touching her head, and grins the whole time he's doing it. LJ, as always, I have to create involvement with him and her.

So what was my point in my ramblings, I wonder? I think it was, I can't wait to get back to feeling myself and being able to handle JD better. Once I can handle him better, and EK sleeps a little longer at night, life can resume back to a little routine. It's amazing how much I enjoy my 20-30 minute escapes to Target by myself right now, if only to get out of my 4 walls. And I look forward to resuming play groups.

So while I wait, I have several new books to read. A friend gave me a great book that seems very Mark Twain-ish so far. It makes me laugh, the small town vignettes, as they are still similar to my childhood days in Michigan, when everyone knew everyone else's business. I got another Elisabeth Elliott book - "God's Guidance: A Soft and Certain Light" (I think the original copy was called just "A Soft and Certain Light"), and it has a study guide with it. As I read it, I think so much of our generation's struggle to know what their purpose in life is, and what God's will is, and how great of a Bible study this would make. Maybe I will bring it up at my church (again, once Emma is sleeping at night more) - I can't wait! Her wisdom is God-given, and continues to be a source of encouragement to me, as it reminds me of all of the truths I know in Scripture and believe in, and helps me regain footing on solid ground.

The third book (or really, series) is the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer. I have to say, I really don't like vampire stories of any kind. Vampires creep me out. Spiders, snakes, superheros & villians I can handle - vampires, that is my creepy creature I avoid. Brad Pitt in "Interview with a Vampire"? I don't care how good looking he is, I couldn't handle more than 5 minutes! Ugh. So when I was at the beach with my college girlfriends this summer, one of them was reading it, especially since her job has her around a lot of teenage girls, with whom this book is hugely popular. While I was curious, all I had to know was "vampires" and I'm like, "no, thank you!" But I am finding with not having to pack up diaper bags all the time for going places, having my husband and mom help with the boys & fixing them meals (then they, being OCD as they are, cleaning up as well, so much faster than I usually do), not actually spending any time out of the house (as much to protect Emma from getting sick, as the challenge of me getting out with the kids, and the burden it is on Tim or mom to help get them all in & out of the car everywhere), I was finding myself bored with TV and needing something else to do. So I was at Target, searched their book section, and finally decided on trying out the first book "Twilight". I got home and got hooked! Being on the NY Times bestseller list, I am sometimes wary of popular books for too much language or sex; while I can appreciate good literature, I generally do not enjoy a lot of either in my book reading choices and end up reading a lot of Christian fiction (and enduring my fair share of cheesiness and cliche and poor writing many times). However, that is just an assumption I make, and it could very well be very wrong. I was pleasantly surprised that her books, though, are completely clean (so far anyway, I've only read the first 2). And they focus more on the heroine's relationships much more than the vampire stuff - it's not blood & gore like Interview with a Vampire seemed to me. Anyway, it seems funny to me that I'm reading this series, but it's a good change from what little is on in the afternoons on tv, but is probably bad for me, as I'm not taking naps as I should!

Well, time is up - time to feed EK...again. :)

A New Life

Blessing upon blessing! I love being a mother of 3. My favorite moment after meeting our new baby girl was having her and both boys crowded on my hospital bed. I don't know why I have always wanted a big family. I guess partly because it was just my brother and me growing up, and being opposite sex, my mom had to time us to get us to play together (I didn't want to play GI Joe, Mike didn't want to play with Barbie dolls). We lived in a small, rural town, and unless my mom felt like carting us to friends' homes, we just hung out at home; I remember being bored a lot. Anyway, for whatever reason or maybe just because it's part of God's calling on Tim & I's lives, we have wanted a relatively big family.

And I love having a girl. I see why it's so fun to dress her up. She craves having her brothers within hearing distance and likes being held at all times (of course!). I love the baby phase, even the late sleepless nights (you know, while I don't have the responsibility to get the boys dressed in the mornings until this Monday). I do wish my babies weren't so big, so I could enjoy them being little longer (it only takes a few weeks to go from newborn to 3 months clothes), but can't discount the thankfulness I have that they are healthy.

I guess other than fully enjoying my whole family being home this week together, there is not much news. While my husband is counting the hours until he gets to go back to work after mediating the boys all week, I am dreading him leaving me so soon! I am thankful to be past the first several days of pain, though, and our little girl figuring out the whole eating thing; I think we're getting settled - slowly - into a routine with her feeding, and a mother always feels a little more normal when that happens. :)

Countdown

I am getting really excited. I don't know if it's because I finally know exactly how my delivery will go (planned C-section) and that I know recovery will definitely be better than it was with LJ. Or if it's because I have 2 other delightful boys who make me laugh despite all of their sassiness lately and I look forward to more intimate family funny moments. Or if after 9 months of carrying her in my belly, I am longing to just hold her and feed her and see her. In any case, one of my problems with a scheduled delivery is, it's like leaving for a trip. You get so excited, you can't sleep. Now, on a trip, where usually my husband does the driving or I can at least have a Starbucks, it doesn't really matter if I get sleep the night or 2 before. However, as most of you know, you prefer being well rested before having a newborn to take care of - especially if your body is also recovering from surgery at the same time. I just don't know, though, if I will be able to sleep tonight or tomorrow night! Some things are just too fun to think about! :)

Note to Self: Cranky parents lead to cranky children

Whew! What a day. Is it possible for everyone in the family to be tired, cranky and whiny? This is one of those days you wish you could just start over. No one has anything nice to say. LJ is cranky because his parents woke up late and he knows his parents are tired and cranky. JD is cranky because his parents are too tired to keep up with his hefty appetite by getting up 5 times to get him something else to eat or drink and he has been cooped up in a car all morning running errands. Husband is cranky because he worked 7 days in a row, is sleep deprived, and worked at the hospital all of Thanksgiving weekend. No one in the family gives any sympathy to the mother who is delivering child 3 in 3 days; no, they whine, criticize, and fight over the grilled cheese she made for HERSELF for lunch (literally, all 3 boys were). Instead, she leaves to take a nap and told them to "duke it out" while she goes hungry. She especially loves how her husband seems to think the problem is all her. Or LJ. As if he were not tired and cranky and critical at all. As if she had not spent the first 2 hours of the day letting him sleep in and have time to himself while she got the kids up despite her own fatigue.

So, needless to say, we will be eating a frozen dinner and going to bed early tonight. If we don't answer our phone tonight, you'll know we're sleeping. :)

Pictures update

Okay, I finally updated my pictures on facebook, attempted to email some Halloween pictures to my extended family (& failed), and found the greatest picture of LJ smiling a true smile! He hates cameras, attention, etc except for that rare moment you can catch him being silly and free. I love it! The last few days with him have been better, and I am going to bed at like 8:30pm, which is helping me catch up on some much needed sleep (especially with the continued middle of the night crying). I am finding that resting in God's grace is getting harder and harder the closer we get to delivery date, as my greatest desire right now is being in our usual routine, sleeping well, and staying healthy - none of which have been going on under our roof for the last month.

We are 4 weeks from delivering!! I am getting really excited about meeting our baby girl, and losing some of the bulky pregnant belly so I can better hug my family! The boys are getting along a lot better lately and I'm seeing more brotherly love with the sharing, even if it means a soaking wet bathroom floor at the end of the day. :) I think it was all the wrestling they did with Daddy that finally helped bridge the gap.

Blessings and Dry Bones

We have had several prayer requests lately in our church that have struck very close to home, reminding Tim and myself how blessed we really are. They have also served as heart warnings, reminding us to pray for our family, guard against sin and evil, and cling to God always. I wish I could describe the situations, but out of respect for them, I will just say that I crawl into bed at the end of the day and am humbled that today was so blessed, and I am not promised any of it tomorrow. There is a reason we are called as Christians to live in and take joy in today, because sin continues to bring grief and sorrow into our lives, and oftentimes it takes us off guard unexpectedly.

However, in case you sometimes think my life is all joy and gladness, I am as human as the rest, and I am exhausted. Baby girl is sitting high so I have had a hard time breathing for 3 days, my husband works through this coming weekend and the resident is out of town, so he will be working nonstop for the next 2 weeks again, and daylight savings time is brutal with LJ who woke up the last 2 mornings at 5:45am (2 weeks ago he slept till 7:45!). While LJ has shown signs of improving the last few days, I have no energy right now to minister to him even at better. This is a season, but it is a tiring season for me. I didn't realize how easy or better LJ had gotten until the last few weeks have been so hard, and I find myself desperately wishing that he would be seemingly healed for the next few weeks, just so I can selfishly get sleep and peace before I have more sleepless nights!

So yesterday I read the following and the Holy Spirit spoke to me encouragement (bear with me here, this is going to seem really out of left field):

Ezekiel 37
The Valley of Dry Bones
1 The hand of the Lord was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"
I said, "O Sovereign Lord, you alone know."
4 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.' "
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
9 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.' "

Now, I realize there are all kinds of prophetic messages here, but when I was a little girl, a musician named Michael Card wrote a song about this passage. I don't remember the tone of it, but I remember thinking - Wow! God can bring dry bones to life and breathe air into them so they are a vast army. It is a great visual of how powerful God is. For today, it encourages me that when I am dry, when I have nothing left to give my family, my boys, my friends, He can breathe new life into me. He can restore me to the living. He has already put His (Holy) Spirit into me, who continues to daily teach me God's mercy and grace, and show me how He is becoming my everything. Having children has increasingly made me aware of how little I can do of myself. Many mornings I wake up and think, "God, I can't do this - You have to do it." That is not the same self-controlled, self-sufficient woman of 3 years ago. It is interesting to me how God uses such an everyday thing like being a mom to teach me full dependence on Him, and how He may use something so much more drastic to teach someone else. This Ezekial passage may seem a bit of an extreme example, since I am obviously a very healthy person with a healthy family; but I think there are days we all feel that dry, that unwell, and some of us are fighting diseases or losses around us that affect us that deeply. May our hope ever be in the Lord!

Patience and the Joys of Parenthood

Okay - I'll start with the good news! We have a date! Baby Girl will be born on Friday, December 5th (unless God intervenes). I am very excited about this -- we're about 6 weeks away, and if she were ready, I would do it tomorrow. I am tired of not being able to carry my other children because she's getting so big (or is it ME that's getting so big?)! Needless to say, we're almost done with October, and then I have November, and then I give birth. Although I keep saying I'm ready to settle in, and yet my sick kids are proving me otherwise...

God is teaching me more patience. I thought I was doing pretty well with that lesson, going through the past year and a half with LJ and his OT, and spending the summer resting in God's grace. But over the last 2 weeks, LJ has regressed for multiple possible reasons (all the changes in his room, sharing a room with JD, baby girl getting bigger, change of seasons & weather, Daddy was at work alot...) and JD got sick (and got moved back & forth from LJ's room to the old nursery when JD had coughing spasms). At first, I thought most of LJ's issues was he was getting sick since he tends to sense when he is getting sick and then gets back to "normal" once it hits him. The last week and a half went by, and he showed no outward signs of sickness, but everything was wrong with him. A few coughs late at night, but nothing more. So today, while we had another long morning of resistance, we made it out and about, and he did fine or survived, depending on your definition of fine. They woke up from their naps, JD was in a great mood, LJ seemed in a better mood - I declared us on the road to recovery! I was in such a great mood, I baked some of our apples from the apple orchard trip (I never bake after making dinner). I went to Bible study tonight, and got a call from my husband, who said "Happy 8th anniversary! LJ got sick in bed and I had to change all of his sheets & pj's." (Well, he was more long-winded than that, but that was the gist of it.) I am going stir crazy. They have no fevers, they act well for the most part, but there is this random stomach bug that is nagging at them. And it's not 24 or 48 hours - it's a week to 10 days (or it was with JD)! Ugh! I had resolved that being out and about with friends was helping reduce how many mornings I had to be mediator in sharing between siblings (they share much better with others than they do with their siblings as many of you know), and now I'm stuck! Last week, my Dad made the brilliant comment of how when you have multiple kids, then you get 2 or 3 or 4 rounds of the same bug, so you get to stay at home sometimes for a month while it makes the rounds at your house. Thanks Dad! (He's usually much more encouraging than that.) I think he and mom are very glad they are no longer raising children. Now they go on cruises and abandon me in my time of need (ha,ha).
Does anyone without kids want to come visit me?


Anyway, there's my whining for the day. My great hope out of all of this is that LJ's horrible transitions this past almost 2 weeks will be radically minimized when everyone is feeling better. What day is it? How much longer??? Will I get to sleep before baby girl comes, or will I just see all of you in the spring, when all of my children are well, and I've come out of crazyland....???

Happy 8th anniversary, love. You are the most amazing husband in the world. I couldn't do any of this without you, and I continue to ask God that I won't ever have to...The boys adore you and you continue to show me your love for me in your devotion to God - a blessing that overwhelms me every day. I only pray I show you how much I love you half as much as you do for me.

Nesting

Okay, so I have spent the last few weeks "nesting". I had decided that I am one of those pregnant women that never really nests as compared to what I think nesting is; but then, on my 3rd pregnancy, I finally figured out why. I am so tired, that I have great intentions of nesting and all that it entails - organizing, cleaning, getting it all "together" - but I am so tired by the end of my 2nd & 3rd trimesters when my nesting tends to hit, I feel like I don't get to do the nesting us pregnant women crave.

However, my house was in such a state of affairs, both my husband & I agreed it had to be done. So we have taken several date nights to go out to eat, come home, and clean & organize the house. And I have forced myself to organize instead of take naps. I think I have finally gotten the house down to one area of chaos. The girl's clothes are in the nursery, the boys socks & shoes are sorted, and now it's down to me!

Honestly, my list is still so long of things to do and none of it includes house cleaning - when do all of you women do all of these things? I am very thankful that 80% of the time I'm okay with the stacks. My husband may throw me out with the stacks someday, though. :) He would say, stop blogging and get to work!

Bunk Beds

We did it! We finally put the bunk beds in LJ's & JD's "new" room. LJ was SO excited - new bed, new sheets, new ladder to climb....of course, he's only allowed to play on the top, sleep on the bottom (to which LJ was VERY disappointed, but recovered admirably). We have gone back and forth, back and forth on whether or not we were going to put JD in the room, whether we were going to let LJ sleep on the top bunk, where we would put baby sister....and I think throughout the process I decided, I don't know what I'm going to do until I'm doing it. We were going to wait to put JD in the room until after the baby was born, but LJ was handling the transition so well (he kept saying he was sleeping on the top & JD on the bottom), I couldn't help but take advantage of it. JD is not happy to be sleeping in the pack n play, but there just isn't room for the crib, and the bottom bunk is much higher off the ground than LJ's old full size bed. I think what I've learned from this process is that as parents (mothers in particular), we can say all we want to say about what we're going to do and how we're going to handle things, but honestly until certain moments hit, we don't really know. We are about to have 3 kids, three kids. Just because I say something is going to happen doesn't mean that something completely different couldn't happen, or that I couldn't change my mind and go back to another plan. I probably use stronger language than I should when I'm talking to people because I'm a pretty decisive person, but when I'm looking around my house, I'm thinking, "you know, I will just figure it out as I go along." I have all these conversations with friends, "what are you going to do about this?" "have you thought about this?" and I enjoy responding to those questions, but I should probably emphasize better that I have thought about a lot of things and envisioned lots of scenarios, but I really don't know what we're doing about any of it. Because things like JD adjusting less well than LJ surprise me. And how to teach them to sleep in the same room at nap time, not just bed time currently stump me. It's just trial and error. I'm a psychology major (what about this blog doesn't scream that? ha!), so I want there to be consistent themes, and I'm forever analyzing my children (again, surprised?); but I also want to cultivate an attitude in my home with my children that says, just because we would like to do it this way, doesn't mean we're not open to other ideas. Now I do know my kids for the most part, and I can be pretty adamant about what will and won't work with them when people suggest things. LJ is extremely predictable on that part; if I say I don't think he can do it, he can't. Doesn't mean I can't try back in a week or a month, but developmentally, he is definitely on his own curve. And as JD is really starting to come into his own now that he can walk, he is doing all the "normal" things that LJ never did at that age. I am seeing those "gaps" filled by JD that I never got to see with LJ. I am seeing him explore (okay, LJ was NEVER climbing the table by 14 months) in ways that are both amazing and frustrating to me, as LJ was never as curious as JD. JD is getting bored. LJ is rarely bored and extremely focused. It makes me laugh, because JD is your "typical" kid that I have never experienced for myself before, and I caught on by the time LJ was 2 that there were some things not happening that should be. JD points at pictures in books. He wants to know what things are, what sounds they make. He "gets" things that shouldn't leave me speechless, but do simply because my firstborn was so different. I can see how it would be much easier to have your "typical" kid first, then your "atypical" kid; as for me, I'm used to moving at a slower pace with LJ, and JD speeding up in my 7th month of pregnancy is not exactly thrilling for me. He's already fallen in love with the outdoors he's probably spent all of a few hours in so far, and brought me a shoe this morning to let me know he wanted them on. When I took him outside later, he giggled with glee.

So back to the bunk beds. The boys are doing really well, all things considering. If you knew me when I put LJ in a "big" bed from the crib and how that seemed to only contribute to the already anxious child, I am thrilled with how well he's doing with all of the changes in his room. Now we have to paint the top color (the bottom half of the wall, my husband installed wide planks & painted them white)....if only LJ would start saying he liked the blue and not the brown....but maybe that's one of those things the mother lets go of, huh? If only I could find some shades for our extra long windows!

Grace and Siblings!

Some of this post has been waiting in the wings. I started, stopped, started again. I know reading this blog is more like reading a diary or a devotional, but when I have time, it is cathartic for me to share my struggles and ups and downs, and what God is teaching me through life. Our culture doubts God (well, when has it not?), but it blames most of that right now on the older church that rarely revealed the true struggles of the heart. I want others to know that while there is no perfect answer, there is One who walks through all of it with you. And He gives you the answers as you need it, but sometimes He lets you struggle so that you can find Him in it. I told my husband this weekend I feel rich, like a billionaire, from the blessings of God and my family - him and the kids - and I have need of nothing else. But in that happiness, my life is not without its challenges; and maybe that's what makes me more thankful for what I do have.

This is where I started last week:

It's a good thing that God's mercies are "new every morning" and His grace knows no bounds. I feel like I talk about God's grace a lot, but I have realized how much I need it, I rely on it, and I find great peace in it.

I have found these last few weeks that God's grace is sufficient. It is enough. If we rest in it, and let all of the things go that worry us, stress us, burden us, control us, we can find peace. I have not reconciled all that I desire to reconcile, but I have found peace on the other side. I have to remember that I am in control of how I feel about things, and if I let God handle a situation, He can work it out for good - His good.

This is what I am dealing with today:


So on to happier, more mundane & frustrating things. You know, up until now, I feel like I've had a pretty good grasp (or the illusion of it) on dealing with sin issues with our children. LJ, of course, has been a special case and has tested me plenty, but maybe having some OT help for a few months gave me the illusion that we were onto better pastures. Sharing. Can someone else teach my children this lesson? It's like potty training - surely none of us like teaching this. It can't be enjoyable. And you know, LJ survives the lessons with his friends (not necessarily gracefully), but with his brother? HA. Not so much. He pushes, he hoardes, he whines, he shouts....I'm thinking God designed this week of no play groups for me to deal exactly with this issue but I cry, "please! can I pass this off on someone else??!!" :) I survived this morning with my brain in tact. I think the more difficult thing with siblings, too, is the older one gets confused. Sometimes it's okay they take things from their younger brother or sister (like when it's not safe), sometimes it's against the rules. So they get praise for some, discipline for others. I would be confused too. And I'm watching JD manipulate situations now. I see him do things to get LJ's attention, for good or bad, then laugh because he got the attention! Then I get to decide, do I discipline LJ for handling it poorly, when the poor boy was manipulated in the first place? Whew! Forget trying to do anything. I just sat and observed most of this morning. It was very educational. My hope is that maybe LJ started listening this morning, and maybe his mama is getting more consistent as I developed the attempt at a game plan this weekend. I really still believe the "terrible twos or threes" should be called the "testing twos or threes", as I see LJ continue to push my buttons to see if I really mean what I say. We'll see how sane I am by Friday. I may swap jobs with my husband for a week. :)



Looking back over my blog, maybe I need Elisabeth Elliott's words again.

"If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next."



Why does it seem right when you find contentment, there is something else to find contentment about again? :)

My Superhero

LJ has 2 best friends in our neighborhood, both boys around his same age. So when one of the moms asked me what I was going to dress LJ as for Halloween, I naturally said I haven't thought that far (because I generally don't). Now, I have friends that are excited about Halloween, ambivalent about it, and against it. I always thought I'd just let the season pass by and if LJ wanted to dress up as he got older, I'd deal with it then; probably going along with whatever my husband thought. But how can I resist him pretending with his friends and basically having a little party going around the neighborhood? So when my friend & neighbor suggested our 3 boys go together as superheros (think Superwhy on PBS - Superwhy to the rescue! - only we use our boys' names Super - to the rescue!) -- it just was too cute to pass up! So we went to the Costume store. I thought he'd be scared; LJ had a blast. He laughed at the scary monsters that moved & had red eyes, he carried around 2 huge squishy spiders, and he ran around with his friends, "Super LJ to the rescue!"

What is more fun than that?

Prison

Do you ever feel trapped? There are situations in my life where I am like a bird...my wings are tied down, I'm caged, and my whole spirit feels weighed down, begging for release. There are few things so upsetting to me as to feel trapped, like I'm locked in a prison. My body starts going into "trapped mode" and I feel physically ill from the stress. I long to yell, scream, cry, and yet I know that all of it is my sinful self rebelling. And yet, is it that, or the sins of others affecting me or both? God calls us to live in freedom. Why do I feel in bondage? One of my blog ideas was to write about bitterness - how our own personal bitterness affects and hurts those around us and we don't see it. I am still struggling with feeling in bondage around certain people. Is it my lack of love and mercy? Is it their bitterness and pride and selfishness that binds me? I want to run from this bondage, this trapped feeling. If I say something, it's misconstrued. Or I'm scorned. So I say nothing. Even this can be misinterpreted for pride or arrogance. I can't win. I have loved, I have been loving, but it is like pouring it in a poisonous quicksand. It gets eaten up, faster than I can pray for it. I have been told to be myself, but I have found when I do that, it's like a balloon that gets popped. There is no joy to be had around bitterness. It snuffs out those who try to seek goodness and love. "Misery loves company." It's true. They don't want to be around joyful people; they don't want to hear what God is doing in your life. And maybe that's the saddest part of all. They've lost hope for themselves. They are in a prison of their own making.

I will tangent a little here, and come back around to make another point. There is a philosophy of thought in teaching your children about choices. I love this philosophy. I feel like this teaches our children there are consequences to every choice you make. I think what our culture has failed to teach us is that EVERY choice we make leads us to where we are today. This is why it is so important that God is involved in every detail of our lives. Because He can help us make good choices - and not just the normal moral ones, but ones about how we view things, our attitudes about things, and seeing His purpose in this sinful world that fails and disappoints us.
Contentment is a choice. It is an action. It is choosing that I will be satisfied with what God has given me regardless. I hope to teach my children that by choosing contentment, they evade bitterness. By choosing thankfulness, they escape discontent. By choosing love and forgiveness, they choose a road that leads to contentedness, happiness if you will. But if they choose to hold a grudge, they choose unforgiveness and that is sin. I do get frustrated sometimes when I see choices that have led to bitterness. Sin leads to death and not just eternal death, but a death of the spirit. Have you ever been around or even lived with, a really bitter person? Theirs is a death of the spirit. No one wants to be around them because they have nothing left that is nice to say or because it is like a disease, and spreads to those around them. I say this not with judgment, but sadness. Because it takes great courage to even be around a bitter person in hopes to encourage them and bring them some kind of joy. And I wish I was a braver person more of the time.

"No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1: 5-9

This is God's lesson to me today. These blogs are like His pep talks to me in written form. When I wrote about bravery, it reminded me of the passage "be strong and courageous" in the Bible, so I looked it up. There it is - God talking to Joshua. As relevant to me today, as it was to Joshua then. If I follow God's lead, he will never leave me; do not be discouraged, He is with me wherever I go. Follow His lead, and I will be successful (content, happy). It goes to that passage I believe in Romans - if God is for me, who can be against me? If I am seeking first His kingdom, He is with me. I think the most difficult thing is not knowing what following Him means in certain circumstances, and Satan uses the not knowing parts of things against me. Satan discourages me mightily with the unknowns. He conjures up all kinds of possibilities in my mind to lead me to this trapped feeling.

Forgive me, I am still overwhelmed. Pray for me, that I will meditate on His Word "day and night." And hopefully, I will have something less melancholy to write of the next time. God willing, it will be a more hopeful and joyful message of what He has obtained victory over. Blessings to you.

Unspeakable Joy

LJ is doing hand motions with songs! Well, mostly the fish song. Let me back up a little.

We have been going to a Gymboree Music class for about a month now. It has great little songs with hand motions (much like the itsy bitsy spider), they introduce different instruments for them to play, they have a theme each week that they continue for about 3 weeks (which has been surfing), and do all kinds of things that go with it. So LJ learned how to surf on different play toys they have, which was great for stretching his sensory integration. Actually, all of it is very well thought through, and perfect for his sensory processing. They keep it calm & structured, and sing similar songs from week to week, but change up the instrument they introduce, or throw in a new song, or change the play toy used for the surfing to a different one. They also let the kids start slow and learn the song, then increase the tempo each time, or add something to it. I have to admit, a year or 2 ago, when LJ was little, I was very skeptical about this kind of thing. I mean, pay money for a class to play? And really, is it anything I can't teach him at home? Well, perhaps if I was a music teacher, I would be great at teaching it at home, but otherwise....no. Is it worth the money? Absolutely - especially for my SPD kid.

So over the course of the last 3 weeks, we have learned what I call the fish song.
1,2,3,4,5 (count on fingers)
I caught a fish alive
6,7,8,9,10 (count on fingers)
I threw him back again
Why did you let him go?
Because he bit my toe.
Which toe did he bite?
The little one on the right. (tickle them)

With each number you count, you hold up the corresponding finger. Well, LJ does not participate in these kinds of games - ever. I have tried to get him to show me how old he is, and he would not do it. He watches, but he will not try it. So I have been holding his hands & fingers, and "showing" him how to go through the hand & finger motions. This past Friday, I tried to let him try it on his own, while keeping my own hands close. He attempted it, but definitely was still unsure. Later that day, I miraculously remembered the song (thank you, Jesus), and cheerfully started singing it to him. He was facing me, and he started opening his hands. And he did it! He mirrored all of my motions.

Now, for parents who do not have to do anything but once for their kids to catch on and mimic, this still seems so silly and ridiculous. But for those of us who struggle with getting our kids to engage and play and sing and do all the things normal 2 and 3 year olds do, we rejoice at every little thing they learn. Because we remember when they didn't do it. And we remember the fear of "if they never." And we worry about what school will be like, how they will struggle, will they survive? It's not that they couldn't; mentally, I have always believed LJ understood cognitively what he was supposed to do. But something is interfering with their normal development.

So all weekend I was playing with my son, and singing the fish song, till I have sung it in my sleep. Of course, Saturday I realized the whole tune is to the scale of C (I knew it sounded familiar after my 7 years of piano lessons). So we were at my parents' house, and played the piano while we sang the song with LJ. He loved it! And you can see the joy and relief on his face that he can do it.

Now, I am not a teacher, but I have to teach LJ many things. Teaching is not my talent, nor spiritual gift. God is stretching me with this. (And I thought I wanted to homeschool? I'm just now realizing how crazy I was to think I could do it - and yet I still might.) But when I see the fruit - the reaping of what we sow as Jesus taught - I rejoice. And I am learning that true joy comes from Christ when you are exactly where He wants you to be, and following His call regardless of the sacrifices.

I cannot tell you the joy of seeing your child overcome his struggles. I am bearing much fruit lately of the last year's investment in LJ, and my heart is full and grateful to God's faithfulness. I cannot imagine anything else in my life being as worthwhile right now than being a mother to these special children.

Weaknesses

One of my big pride issues is being ditzy. I hate it when I am ditzy. I feel very unintelligent when I say something I feel is stupid. I do not have that beautiful gift of being able to laugh at myself very well. But I have to say, being pregnant and having children helps cure you of that. Today is one of those days. One of those days you send out 3 emails to invite people to a party that you are obviously not helping plan very well. One of those days where a fly dies in your ice cream bowl. One of those days you are just not paying attention to anything you are doing, yet you feel like you woke up today with all of your brain cells working. On a day I would have beaten myself up for my stupidity in prior years, I am finally learning it's okay. It's okay to play a telephone pictionary game and write down "No Mor Chicken" for the Chick-Fil-A slogan instead of "Eat Mor Chicken". It's funny. It's ridiculous. People get confused when things I say or do don't make any sense. But it's LIFE, and God designed us to be able to laugh at those things. I'm so thankful (sigh). I sure need to know my brain cells don't have to work all the time. :)

Forgiving

So in answer to my prior blog, I was reading last week and read either in the Bible or another book (though it is I think in the book of John of the Bible), "Forgive as the Lord forgave you." And the Holy Spirit convicted me. It's funny how you can read the same things a million times, friends can tell you that you need to forgive, but when God convicts you through the Holy Spirit, you just have to listen whether you feel like it or not. God has forgiven me so much more than the little things people have done to hurt me. He has forgiven me everything. He asks us to forgive "seventy times seven" and to "turn the other cheek". My life was "bought with a price", that price being the life of Jesus Christ, a price I can never repay. His life was perfect and it paid for all of my sin. It is a very humbling Truth. And it reminds me that my life is worth nothing without Him in it. What I have to forgive is like one grain of sand in comparison to the vast sea that He has washed over my sin as white and pure as snow. It doesn't mean it's easy, but in the end, obedience and a pure heart reap blessing upon blessing. And now my heart is at peace again.

Relationships

I am dealing with relationships right now. I am tired of being guilted into things. I am tired of having people attempt to manipulate me. I am tired of feeling like I have to defend myself. God has brought me a little of the way, in that I used to allow others to guilt me into things, to manipulate me, and I would defend myself. Now, I am better at staying put, being content, and doing what I feel is right for myself and for my family. I remind myself that after my first love to God, my next responsibility is to be a godly wife and mother and make decisions that coincide with that ("Blessed is one day in His courts than thousands elsewhere" - Psalms). But that does not seem to lessen my frustration with some of my relationships.

On the other hand, I have some beautiful relationships, and maybe that is what makes the difference so stark now. I have some beautiful friendships that encourage me, listen to me, build me up, help me pursue my walk with God, and are just a continuous blessing to me. I feel very blessed when I think of my many special friends that are like that. And I have to say, they are definitely the majority (thank you Jesus). What is the saying, one bad apple spoils the lot? I think I realized recently that sometimes it is that one bad apple (whether person or circumstance) that steals our joy. How do I prevent people or things from stealing my joy? My joy should be in Christ regardless. But then, there are moments I feel Satan using it to step in my life and steal my joy. Kind of like Job, when God allowed Satan to step into Job's life and take everything precious to him.



Of course, when I look back a year ago, I couldn't have said how you experience joy. I allowed my expectations of myself and others' expectations of me to dictate much of how I felt. As God has released me of these burdens and revealed to me how to live in His grace, I have experienced more joy in the last 6 months than probably my whole life. So I am very begrudging when I feel my joy being stolen from me against my will, against what I can control.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me," was King David's cry in the Psalms. May I listen to His calling to continue to love others and consider them better than myself (Phil 2) - it is so hard sometimes. My joy is not in earthly things, so I must continue to "seek first His kingdom, and all things things shall be added unto you..."



I know I ramble a lot, but hopefully this is an example of my struggles, and how God draws me to Himself again through the Holy Spirit. I don't listen any better than you, but His Word and His Spirit do remind me of Who He is and His Truth in my life, whether I feel like listening or not. I'm still trying to open my ears to hear today, and these are the thoughts/ramblings He gives me as I seek His face in the midst of my broken heart. I'm so thankful we will be restored in Heaven - what a blessed day that will be!



"If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next." Elisabeth Elliott

A Quiet Heart

I have been reading Elisabeth Elliott's book "A Quiet Heart". It is a collection of her writings that end up being great for a devotional. I read several each day, and I feel like they ground me again in God's Word and Truth. Her words pour over me as God's grace and comfort and give me strength each day to go out and be content in spirit with my children and my life. Here's an example.

In her introduction, she had written a prayer in college:
"Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand,
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by Thy hand."

In her first writing, she talks about how Jesus trusted God the Father - how he could sleep through the storm on the sea, how he could eat with and wash the feet of the disciple who denied him and the disciple who betrayed him. It convicts me that when I am hurt or betrayed, I can barely spend time with that person, much less wash their feet, be content, be quiet of spirit and heart. But then she reminds us what is important:

"Purity of heart, said Kierkegaard, is to will one thing. The Son willed only one thing: the will of His Father. That's what He came to earth to do. Nothing else. One whose aim is as pure as that can have a completely quiet heart, knowing what the psalmist knew: "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5). I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things which happen to us which do not belong to our lovingly assigned "portion" ("This belongs to it, that does not")? Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty?

"Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter.

"What do we really want in life?....is there one thing above all others....? "One thing have I desired of the Lord," said David, "this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life..." (Psalm 27:4).

"A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace."



Of course, it's much more cohesive in the writing/chapter. But her main point is our willing acceptance of our portion, our contentment in what God gives. I love the contemporary song that says, "Blessed be the Lord, who gives and takes away," as it reminds us to be content as God wills it. That He is control of all of it....He just asks us to trust and obey. Sometimes trusting God despite our circumstances seems foolishness to the world, but it is wisdom to God. It is trusting in His strength, not our own. I have not always been here, but as He has taught me and held me and given me wisdom with raising LJ, I have learned to take each day one day at a time, and lean in His grace for today. All the judgment or expectations from the world, from myself, from others just falls away as I lean on His wisdom and grace to teach me what He wants from me today.

Catching up....Again

Well, for those that don't know yet - it's a girl! We are so excited, although I think I'm more excited about having a 3rd child than whether it's a boy or girl. I think I feel weird for being excited about it. Many give me more the impression of, Are you CRAZY? and Have you lost your mind?? than excited. My friends with 6 kids (or 4+ at the least) are beyond excited for me, which reveals to me how God makes us all SO differently. And that's okay. I have friends at every spectrum of life, and I think what God wants most from us is contentment - whether we don't have any kids or whether we have 10 - that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, because that is where He has put us for today.

I am missing blogging a little bit. But for the most part, I have been too busy to miss it. I barely have time to check my email right now, and I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of it is that all the kids are out of school, so while we are all juggling vacation schedules, suddenly I have more play date options than I know what to do with (not that my phone is ringing off the hook, but I know I can call people when I have time). Part of it is planning a birthday party. Okay, I am planning ONE birthday party for TWO boys, that really was meant to be very simple, and basically split down the middle for them. I still ended up trapsing all over town looking for cake or cupcake train decorations that do not exist in Charlotte except thru online resources. So good ol' Harris Teeter (our grocery store) is doing it for me. This week, I greatly envied those with creative talent, especially in the drawing department. What I wouldn't do to be able to create a train on a homemade cake with lifesavers or frosting. Believe me, if I tried, it would be unrecognizable. I am one of those people that need to tell me what pieces go where and give me a box kit with directions. I know my boys don't expect much; it's really protecting myself and making sure I don't have an emotional breakdown from the effort of creating a train from scratch for a cake.

What else? I had a BEAUTIFUL weekend with my college girlfriends in Pensacola last weekend. 3 days with kindred spirits, many of whom I lived with for 9 months one year or another, talking, laughing, eating - what else do women do? Without husbands, children, distractions. My favorite part (other than being with them)...? Not dealing with breakfast & diapers & getting dressed first thing in the morning with the kids. I am not a morning person, and I do not miss that part at ALL on vacation. Once we get past b'fast, I'm usually good to go. It's that they need EVERYTHING right at first. But back to the weekend...we had 10 out of the 12 or 13 of us. We have all been roommates with each other at some point - not that I've roomed with all 12 of them, but that I have roomed with 8 of them I think in my 4 years at Auburn. We agreed that living together creates a whole other bonding that you can't recreate (my husband has been baffled at how close I am to them despite the distances and time lapses). I am so encouraged every time we meet how God continues to work in each of their lives, molding them, maturing them, and challenging them. He reminds me that I am not alone in my ideals and values, and that I can go forth in confidence. They are living proof of the pressing on towards the goal. I pray that He continues to walk beside them, and they continue to hear His voice.

Tonight, I went to a Bible study with my church for the 2nd time. It has been a week of reminding me how God created us for relationships, first because of His relationship with us, or the one He desires to have with us; second, because He also created us to be in relationship with each other (hence, making Eve for Adam). God encourages us through His Word (the Bible), through prayer, and through each other. Many times, I am surprised at how He encourages me through a person I don't expect. And I have learned as a new(er) parent, how vital it is that we encourage each other as mothers (of course, I learned the encouragement for wives back when I first got married - yeesh! I needed a lot of encouragement then too). I am thankful for the church, the body of believers who hold me up, but also for my friends who encourage me because God is using them to show me His constant grace.

My weekend on central time is keeping me up; it is bedtime, else we will miss our last OT session (Lord willing!) for LJ. God is so good!

Catching Up

Whew! I have thought of lots of blogs to write, but absolutely no time to write them with. About 9:30-10pm I'm laying in bed, thinking of all of the great, eloquent things I want to write, and by morning have no clue what they are. By nap time, all I can think about is I've done no shopping or planning for the boys' birthday party in 3 weeks, and shopping for paint, bunk beds, etc is right around the corner if I have any hope of getting the boys settled in their room together before the next baby comes. Amazingly, I'm unpacked faster than ever from our trip (thank you, dear husband), and now I just have to keep up with the other million things to do.

Our trip was great - LJ didn't stop playing the whole week - pushed the blue truck outside, played in the sand, wondered who turned off the water when the tide went out, made lots of sand castles, found out what hermit crabs were, and slept like a champ until the sun came up at 5 am. The ride back was a little tricky, as LJ and JD were both exhausted, but they had a blast jumping on the beds in the hotel room. And really, for almost 3 years and 1 yr old, I couldn't have asked for a better trip. I think the key to a contented parent is low expectations - ha! :)

The past week or so, this new little one has been growing a lot; I think (s)he is telling me I need to take a nap today. Maybe I'll be able to blog more soon. We find out girl or boy a week from today!

JD's Birthday

Today is JD's birthday. We are celebrating the boys' birthdays in July this year with a combined party (LJ's is actually in August) for 2 reasons: 1) it's a lot easier (& cheaper) to plan 1 party than 2, and 2) LJ won't be jealous of just JD getting presents. So tonight, we're going out to eat at a family-friendly restaurant and for ice cream afterwards. LJ has already requested chocolate ice cream. And he thinks there should be cake, too. I am not making a cake 2 days before our trip! So we may have to find a cupcake somewhere; I think he has his mother's sweet tooth.
JD is probably the most cheerful, laidback child I have ever seen. LJ was like this until 18 months, so I keep reminding myself it's short term. Because JD DOES have a little temper. Today, LJ was sharing his "LUCAS"-lettered train with JD and gave him the yellow "U". Well, I would have thought JD didn't care which color or letter he got. Nope - he wanted the ORANGE "A", and he let all of us know!! He was so mad, it made me laugh. Sure enough, when LJ gave him the "A", he settled right back down.

I have to laugh at how opinionated and determined both of my boys are. For one, they got it from both of their parents. There is not much about Tim or myself that is low key, and Tim is even more Type A than I am. But I am so thankful that they show strong personalities, because I really believe for them to be good leaders, husbands, MEN, they need some of that. Many of my girlfriends are unmarried, and even Tim says it's because they are not enough men out there who are confident, know what they want, and go for it - they'd rather just go with the flow. But back to the boys, I relish that they already have opinions, and perseverence, and determination - I hope and pray they will always have that, and they will use it for the Lord.

So we leave for our trip in 2 days. 2 day drive up, 2 day drive back. About 5 days in-between. It may be a little crazy, but I'm so excited! I love road trips, and I think the boys will do really well; at least, LJ will. JD may get a little stir crazy (you know, the crawlers can't get around as much on the breaks). I can't wait to see my grandparents, and just hang out with the whole family. My cousin's wife is giving birth today (on JD's 1 year birthday!), so I hope we either get to meet the little one, or we don't completely miss the whole Boston clan of the Maugels as they visit with the first Brent Maugel grandchild! I haven't seen my brother since Christmas, so that will be fun to see him & his wife too; see all of their pictures of their new house, and what they've done to it.

Well, lots of packing to do! Or else we may start tripping over all of the clothes on the floor.

New face

I visited a blog earlier today and got inspired to change mine. This is in honor of our Cape Cod trip in 2 weeks. My uncle owns a house up there, and we are renting another to have my family reunion up there this year. Tim & I have never been to the northeast, and we are so excited! I am not excited we do not get to go together as a family, but that's a long and frustrating story; mostly, it has to do with the circumstances of his job. We had hoped to visit Boston while there, as Tim loves historical towns, but we will probably not make it this trip. I have not started much planning (you know, like all the planning I haven't done for Tim's birthday next week), so one of these days I'm going to have to start figuring out how to pack for me and the boys and fit my parents' luggage in too. And toys. And snacks. Yikes!

Okay, enough blogging for 2 days. I'm avoiding my grocery shopping and planning that I have to do. Can you tell??

Playing together

Okay, so how do you get the siblings to play together? I'm assuming right now that one day it just happens. As it is, JD climbs on LJ. LJ tries to get away. If unsuccessful, LJ pushes JD. Thankfully, LJ hasn't actually harmed JD, but of course it's upsetting to JD. JD just wants to play with his big brother. LJ doesn't want JD to touch anything of his, which is, you know, everything. I cannot wait till JD can walk! I'm hoping that improves JD's sense of playing with LJ. I get tired of trying to balance LJ's right and need to have SOME space to himself (and I'm not meaning a lot of time here) as he continues to adjust to this younger brother, and yet communicate to LJ at the same time that he will always have to share his stuff and play with JD even though he doesn't have to do it all day. I know the struggle will always be there. Siblings alternately love to play together and get tired of playing together. I have a brother. My mom used to have to time me playing boy stuff with him, and him playing girl stuff with me. It's also kind of funny because LJ needs some personal space. Often, he doesn't want me touching him; it's part of his sensory stuff. And JD has NO sense of personal space. He is constantly climbing on ALL of us all of the time! JD craves touch. LJ often runs from touch. There are days I am just stumped on what to think of it all. :)

So if anyone has any wisdom on the matter, feel free to share. I think God definitely created JD opposite to hopefully help let LJ know that touch is okay and welcome and not scary. But for now, it leaves me scratching my head in wonder!

Going Out

Tonight, I am going out with my 2 neighbor friends, Cyndi and Patricia. I am excited about a girl's night - I rarely get them. Or rather, it is very difficult to coordinate a night to go out. There is nothing I love more than going out to dinner with friends, enjoying the meal, enjoying the conversation (too bad I can't enjoy a cocktail!), and being carefree for a few moments. I don't think I ever turned down an invitation to go out when I was single. Cyndi, Patricia, and I are like the 3 musketeers of the neighborhood. We have walked down our streets with 3 strollers (yes, we take up the whole road) when our boys were small. Our children have played for hours and hours in our backyards, our driveways, our porches (well, their porches), at Chick-Fil-A, at Monkey Joe's......you name it. LJ & Connor are 2 days apart, William 5 months younger (but more daring than LJ & Connor put together! :) ). LJ has spent so much time with them, he shouts for joy every time he sees them. Now, he's telling me to call their mommies when he gets bored and wants to go outside. This approaching 3 years is amazing me as he spilling out all of these smart ideas!
So, on that note, I'd better get going and get my kids up. We are in dire need of going shopping this morning!

Parenting

Recently, my feelings got hurt. Now, I could most definitely blame some of it on hormones, there is plenty of that flowing through me right now. Most of you know me well enough to know it is rare to really hurt my feelings. My parents gave me pretty tough skin growing up; it helped me keep my focus on God if kids in school picked on me. Sometimes it surprises me the silly things I get upset about because they are usually very silly and very random. But this time, my child said a few things to show that he cared about someone. My friend focused on what he said at the beginning instead of his intention and his heart. I think the thing that disappointed me most was that my child's heart was to show he cared, which to most parents I would think, would be their proudest accomplishment. Children are, by nature, selfish. When they show unselfishness, it brings unspeakable joy to the parent. And it made me sad that LJ's heart was missed. Why do we, as adults, often criticize the one thing we disagree with, instead of looking at the heart and the intention of a person? I know I am the greatest of sinners at this, as the Apostle Paul would say! It reminds me that though I am opinionated about much, and there are many things I will not budge on in my beliefs and in how I raise my family, it does not give me the right to judge others and criticize how they do things; in fact, it is my calling to love them. In LJ's first year, I learned mothers have opinions about how to do everything for their kids, and they are quick to criticize those who don't do it like them. I have also learned, if only by nature of personality but also because God calls us and has created us to be different people, that we are going to do things differently and that is OKAY.
As I was searching my heart this morning and putting my cares before the Lord, I heard His Spirit say, in essence, that what matters in the end of this situation with LJ is that LJ's heart was right, and I should be encouraged that he is listening and watching and learning what I most desire him to learn. There are always going to be people in our lives who will misunderstand us, but if we are following God and doing the right thing (i.e., caring), then we can live without regret and stand before God with honor.

This Week's Musings

This week is going to be a fun week. Lots of playtime for LJ, lots of learning for me. We have LJ's 6 month evaluation of his sensory issues on Wednesday. Lately there are moments I think I must have been crazy to think he struggled with things. But then I remember the days. The long, long days of last year. Of dreading going places. And I rejoice. I was at church today, singing one of those praise songs with lots of "alleluias", thinking I truly feel that. I have seen what God has done in LJ in the last 4 months, and stand back amazed. He talks, he interacts, he initiates talking to other people. He looks people in the eye - he looked AT the camera today and smiled instead of frowning and looking at the floor! He's joyful, he's unafraid - I just don't even know when or how it happened. There are still a few moments here and there I see his "I need to escape" mode, but he communicates what he needs, and we deal with it. No tantrums (except the typical toddler "I WANT IT" :)!

Now, I still am curious as to what they will say as far as the school-type environment goes. Mother's morning out, preschool....how do I handle these decisions? He still does not enjoy singing songs, doing crafty things with a program, etc. As long as he is in control, he can handle it. Should I expose him to these things to help him adjust? Do I continue to protect his spirit right now and let him live in joy and this newfound freedom from fear? Where is the balance?
I can't wait to hear their perspective!

I was talking to a friend recently and we were talking about when God asks you to go there, on a step of faith, doing what is not rational or logical, following His call - whether location or deed or sacrifice, and she brought up Abraham and Isaac. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. I read the passage this morning in Genesis again - I have not read it in a long time. Abraham takes the tools, he takes his firstborn son, and basically says, "okay God, I'll do it". Now anyone that is a parent, and many who are not, would say NEVER. God, I can't do that!! I think the story symbolizes God's ownership and Lordship of us. (Our pastor was talking about John 10 this am and it talks about how the Shepherd owns His sheep.) If He owns all of it, then we are just stewards of it. Just like Adam was to be a steward of the garden of Eden, so we are to be stewards of our money, our relationships, anything God gives us (which is everything we have). But I tangent. This is related to what I was talking about several blogs ago. Sometimes God is just asking - can you give it up? Can you make a sacrifice? Do you TRUST ME? That I know what's best and I will never ask of you what is not a part of My will. Abraham surely passed the test of trust. Right before he sacrificed his beloved son, God provided a substitute offering. They named the alter "the Lord provides". God just wants to know if He has our whole heart. Undivided. That my heart is not given over to my flesh, my sin, the world, idols or my husband, my family, my friends, my house, my money, my stuff....that at the end of the day, I consider "better is one day in His courts than thousands elsewhere." And that I would give it all up to be with Him, honor Him, trust Him. When they call it a "leap of faith", I think they really mean it's like jumping off a cliff and having no idea if you will land safely at all. I can testify He has caught me every time I have trusted Him first. I can also testify that I cannot go any deeper in my relationship with Him when I am holding onto things in my life, that I am held back from experiencing this full life He wants to give me until I give it up to Him. (John 10 - Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.")

Vacation

Okay. So I have gotten the impression that some people find it really hard to leave their kids. And it is hard. I cried almost the whole way home after dropping them off at my parents' house (I had to pick up a very sick husband back at home & drive us to Orlando - it was a long 1st day!). But getting up every morning for 6 days, having no agenda, no diaper changes, no discussions about what we do or don't want to eat for breakfast (I don't do these conversations well first thing in the morning)....and on top of it, sitting at a table outside overlooking a canal, reading books, eating breakfast BY MYSELF (my husband being at the urology conference) in peace & quiet - there just aren't words as I said on facebook. I didn't realize till I had kids how much I needed time to myself. I dearly love my husband, but often he is as high maintenance as the kids, so it was nice to have 5 hours before I had him set a faster pace for us (once he felt better 3 days later!). The weather was beautiful. It was a perfect week. I think it was the most restful, appreciated vacation I've ever had. And it was wonderful to see the boys again. Lucas ran around the van as we packed their things in it, saying "Hurry, Mommy, hurry!" I didn't even know he knew what the word "hurry" was, much less what it meant! :) I think all parents should get away. I have enjoyed my boys more in the past week, listened to them better, loved on them more, played with them more, relished their energy and joy more....I am a better mother because of it.

We are leaving again in 3 weeks to go to my family reunion at my uncle's Cape Cod house. I have never been to the northeast (though I'm originally from Michigan - midwest), and I am very excited. However, we are driving for 2 days with the boys and my parents. Tim's partner is taking vacation for 3 weeks (I will refrain from ranting here on my multiple issues of loving my enemy that I need to work through), so Tim has to fly up separately since he cannot get away for that long. My parents kindly volunteered to join me. I have thoughts on that too. But my grandparents will get to see the boys, and I know that brings them so much joy.

I think my original point here was going to be, I'll be packing again in 2 weeks. I've got a combined birthday party to plan for the boys in July (which will be here before I know it!), and Tim's birthday is in 2 weeks - yikes!

Music & Lyrics

Okay, so there are few movies that I really think are funny. I have a pretty dry sense of humor, and I do not enjoy a whole lot of bathroom humor (probably because my parents never indulged in it), which is what most of the funny movies are about. But "Music & Lyrics" is quickly turning into one of my favorites. It has Drew Barrymore & Hugh Grant in it. They have to write this song. He was part of a band in the 80's and now only plays at 80's reunion type stuff. At the beginning, they play his old music video. Now, I did not grow up with any cable - couldn't get it in rural Michigan in the mid-80's - so I have very little exposure to MTV and such. Bear with me if I have a completely naive perspective. I think Hugh Grant in that POP music video is HYSTERICAL. It is classic 80's and silly, and he looks ridiculous when he dances! Besides the fact of the whole silly story they're telling as they sing the song. The movie as a whole to me is funny, but that video - I think I could watch it over & over. "Hitch" with Will Smith is another one of my favorites - especially when he gets that allergic reaction. But I watched M & L again the other night, and I just had to share in case you haven't seen it.

Gone missing

Well, I know I've been remiss the last couple of weeks. God has been doing a lot of work on me. To be honest, when He does that, I don't really feel like talking to people. I get very anti-social, and sometimes kind of depressed as I work through the emotions of how I feel about what I'm being asked to do, give up, or just listen to. It started right before my church's women's retreat. We had found out we were pregnant (yeah! I know this is big news to many). But I have had a miscarriage before each of the boys, so while I was very excited, I think the Holy Spirit kind of gave me a heart warning. I told Tim before I left for the retreat, I felt like it was possible I would miscarry that weekend. I didn't want to be doomsdayer, but in retrospect, I see God's hand in it.

On the retreat, God did a lot of speaking to me through the Holy Spirit. 2 of the women who gave their testimonies told about what God taught them through the heartbreak of miscarriages. I felt God was telling me I had never really experienced the grief at the level they had. Both of mine were very early - 6 to 8 weeks, and one of them I never really got a full positive pregnancy test, so it was not a big surprise when I started bleeding. Later, after talking to Tim about it, he said I was very upset both times, but in the hormonal shifts of being pregnant, not being pregnant, then getting pregnant again 2 months later (both times), I think my memory is probably not quite reliable. The tiredness & all I think just make things a blur. I've probably been hormonal for 3 years now. :)

The other thing God revealed to me was that I always have to find the answers. Just like a man, I want to know what the answer is, and fix everything that's broken. And sometimes, that is just not life. Now, intellectually I know this; heartwise, it's very difficult for me to not know, not have an answer to put in the box. He has worked on me with this before; in college, I struggled a long time with "predestination vs. free will" before I concluded theologically there will be a lot of things only God knows. But this next test was going to be more life-oriented.

I went to the dr 3 days after the retreat. He did an ultrasound, and I was only measuring 5 1/2 weeks. He could see the yoke & the sac, but nothing else (which was a little understandable being so early but I think he was looking for a 3rd thing and couldn't find it). But I thought I was 8 weeks! So he warned me, either our dating is off (which is reasonable - ovulation can vary, especially since I had been weaning Jack when we got pregnant), or it was not growing. The clincher was, I would not know for 2 weeks. I would have no idea whether we were going to miscarry or not. Now, if you know me well, my tendency is to assume the worst, because it's so much easier for me not to get my hopes up! But because His Spirit continued to walk through me with this, I knew this was a time for me to trust God. I have spent the last couple of weeks grieving, hoping, and trying to rest in the middle that He knows what's best for me. One of the other things I learned is what a fabulous family I grew up in. My parents taught me a lot of who God is, and what His character is. Anytime we struggled with something, or got disciplined for disobedience, they usually said something along the lines of they were doing what was best for us, or what they thought was best, and that they loved us. We may not have liked them at the time, but they were very consistent with that message. And what I continued to hear the last week or so, was God wants what is best for me. If that means walking through a miscarriage, having to have a D&C or D&E, going through more grief than I have before, then that is what is best for me, and He will be there with me walking me through it. If that means saving the baby by His grace and mercy, then He has still accomplished His plan, because I have learned so much by having to wait. The last 24-48 hours I started getting really nervous. I remembered how Abraham asked for God's mercy that if there were 10 in a city worth saving (Rachel, I know you would know the exact reference), would He do it, and God said yes. I remembered how David pleaded for God's mercy in several instances, but specifically his son, though God did not save him as a consequence for sin. And so I begged for mercy. While I had not felt pregnant for a week and a half, I did not have high hopes outside of God's amazing work that I would keep this child, I confessed my sin, my arrogance, my pride, and begged for His mercy, that it would be His will to keep this child.

The good news is He answered! The doctor found the heartbeat yesterday, and he says I'm measuring at 9 weeks. How I've gone from 5 1/2 weeks to 9 weeks in 2 weeks, only God has that answer. But I am humbled and amazed by His grace and mercy. Mercy is undeserved favor. There is nothing I have done that affected this outcome, but God has seen fit that he will continue to protect this baby because He loves me, and He wants what is best for me. But I still hold in my heart, that if He at some point chooses differently, He still loves me and wants what is best for me. And in 31 years of my life, He has proven that to me over & over, through the ups and downs of my life.

Tagged Again

Karen! You're added...

Blah

I am so tired. I was up way too late at the women's retreat, and talked the entire weekend (what else do we do when we get together?). I think I am just emptied out. I am one of those introverts that gets their energy from being alone, and after being with women all weekend, and my husband all day yesterday, I think I am burned out. I know, many of you will say like my parents, an introvert?? My father trained me well in how to socialize properly, ask questions, find out about others, meet & make new people feel welcome....it's more training that started early and now is more like second nature when I'm in groups. But the truth is, I hate big groups. I can't talk to anyone, and I feel as insecure as the next person. I'd rather be busy with a task in those situations (hence, hosting parties).
So today, I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to regroup and do some brainless activity (TV anyone?). I have no desire to work on my to do list, and I am thankful no one called all morning. I spent some great time with the boys playing and catching up with them.

But I do have to share....yesterday, we went shopping to wrap up the boys' summer clothes - and we got a million things at Children's Place! All the sale stuff was 50% off, so I got 10 polos for $3 each. I was so excited! They both had lots of play stuff, but needed shorts & I can never get enough polos for them. I don't have to have RL or Gap (though both are too cute!), I just can't do places like Old Navy for them since everything there shrinks or is really 2 sizes smaller for LJ. And it's got to at least attempt to last thru JD. I really do not enjoy shopping, so I try to do it all in one shot. I always envy my friends that find such great deals all of the time and don't spend more than $3 on any item, EVER. Yesterday was my day!

Tagged

I'm not entirely sure how this being tagged thing works, but in an effort to post a different kind of blog today, and to re-motivate me, I will try.

It starts with remembering where I was 10 years ago. I was at Auburn in April 1998. We were probably mid-quarter, as we were on the quarter system. If I recall correctly, I was taking a philosophy class, and I had my first spring allergies - it was terrible! My eyes watered so much, and my nose kept running, that I could not concentrate to study or take the test one day. I think that was the only test I just flat-out failed. My hands were too busy taking care of my nose & eyes that I couldn't stop long enough to write the essay questions in an hour. And of course, many buildings in Auburn had no air conditioning. But despite everything, I was in love with Auburn. My college years at Auburn have a magic all their own.

5 things on my list to do today:
1) Set up dinner with our pastor & his family.
2) Make Jack's 1 year doctor appt in June.
3) Make sweet potatoes for Jack.
4) Make dinner.
5) Do Sealing Agents work.

5 things to do tomorrow:
1) Lucas' OT
2) my dr appt
3) find something for me to do with the boys in the morning after OT
4) Probably make sweet potatoes for Jack since it probably will not get done today.
5) take a shower

5 snacks I enjoy:
1) chocolate
2) coffee
3) more chocolate - cookies, ice cream, brownies
4) caramel/peanut butter chex mix
5) either pineapple dip or taffy apple dip

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1) fix up my husband's car the way he wants it so it's DONE
2) give a lot away to ministries
3) get someone to clean my house (i really hate cleaning)
4) build a pool & patio in my backyard
5) have a part-time chef to cook the nights I don't feel like it & an on-call babysitter or grocery shopper (I really don't enjoy grocery shopping on a budget with 2 boys)

5 bad habits:
1) coffee/caffeine
2) chocolate
3) lack of exercise (really, when do I have time AND energy?)
4) letting my husband do all the clean up work around here oftentimes
5) not dealing with conflict when needed (esp with g'parents)

5 places I have lived:
1) Talmidge, OH (near Akron) - 1 year in a renter's house during dad's residency
2) Alma, MI - grew up in for 14 years
3) Charlotte, NC - spent high school, 1 year post-college, and now reside in a suburb, Matthews
4) Auburn, AL - BEST 4 years spent here
5) Birmingham, AL - 18 months of newlywed craziness

5 jobs I have had:
1) Nanny
2) Assistant in real estate (BORING)
3) Bookkeeper/Assistant in waterproofing business
4) Part-time at Ann Taylor Loft - really, not a bad job at all for retail!
5) Mom (BEST)

I want to know more about....
1) Elizabeth (since Abby didn't tag you - maybe you can find your password??) :)
2) Wini
3) Rachel
who else has a blog??

Legacy

Tonight I went to a thing that talked about leaving a legacy. It was something I had heard before. But not while I had 2 boys. Not while I am getting older, and realizing the huge legacy my parents, and their parents, and their grandparents have left me. I am richly blessed in that my parents' families on both sides had walking relationships with God. My dad & mom followed in their footsteps. My brother and I, by the grace of God, have followed in their footsteps. These are the things, to me, that make my life rich. Not my house, my new car, or my husband's medical job. My children are healthy, my husband loves me, and I cherish my simple life. There are many days lately, especially as LJ has gotten easier to manage, that I think "life can't get better than this."

Life

Okay, so amidst my new joyful attitude, yesterday came & blew it out. Well, at this point I would go into details, but the initial frustration, hurt, disappointment is pretty much over. Suffice it to say, my husband was tired, and when he's tired, I should have expectations in the negative category. He is not going to think beyond what he wants/needs to do, and I cannot expect otherwise. Even if it's the day we're supposed to celebrate my birthday. And the first day off he's had in 3 weeks.

So what do you do on a day like that? Years ago, I would have just swallowed the hurt and carried it with me for a long time without saying anything. Now, I am perfectly content with letting him know what is wrong. The problem is that whole male/female communication thing. It takes about 5 conversations for us to really hear what the other one is saying. He wants to blame it on hormones (WHY do they blame EVERYTHING on hormones???), I want to blame it on inconsideration.....it goes downhill from there. He says "get over it" (really, one of my pet peeves in our arguments, mainly because he whines about every ache & pain, and I have to suffer it patiently with him). So at the end of a really bad day for us, we finally have some great, deep, hard conversations - about everything: us, our family (our 4), our church, community, men relationships, change, etc. I challenged him on several things, and he expressed some of his deepest concerns. I appreciate that. I would rather get hard honesty than feel like I'm fighting an invisible beast.

I think it's hard for men with families. I think as women we don't give them enough credit for how responsible they feel for providing for their families, keeping the roof over their head, putting food on the table, providing for their kids, wanting to give their wives whatever our current desire is, working at their job and trying to move up, and feeling like they have to help us out all the time. I think most of them take it quite seriously, probably often feel like they fail (which we only add to sometimes), and many of them are probably very stressed at all the worries that plague them. I do think some husbands give up & just do whatever, but I would venture to say that is not the norm, at least early on in a marriage.

Sure, it's difficult for those of us with kids. It's hard to juggle everything and be the wife he wants us to be. But it's hard for him too. He needs our support and encouragement. He needs to feel desired, not just needed. In my 7th year of marriage, I very easily see how marriages don't always make it. If you don't push through, if you neglect your relationship, if you allow the kids to divide you & your spouse, you will be either fighting for a long time, or someone will leave. I am encouraged that Tim and I push through, because our marriage gets better. We have sought people to help us walk through different things, and we have both gleaned wisdom. But as a whole, marriage takes work, it takes self-inspection, it takes working very hard to pursue your spouse and admitting you don't have all the answers. I think ours really changed with having kids, and you have to change with it. I continue to have to remake myself as a person (or truthfully, allow God to change me and mold me) to adapt to our family of 4.

I am thankful that God is still working on me, and working on my husband. I cling to the hope that He will always be walking with us, and taking care of us. It doesn't mean we won't have bad days like yesterday, but it does mean I can count on Him to carry us through it, and use it to mold us to be more like Him.

And I am thankful to have a husband who is super sweet after our arguments....

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand & other random thoughts

We sang that hymn today "On Christ the Solid Rock".
On Christ the Solid Rock, I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand.

I forgot how much I loved that hymn. It reminds me of a passage of Scripture that I fell in love with a couple of years ago. It's an oldie, but goodie as they say - part of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount.

Matthew 7:24-27, Jesus said:
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

I love the word pictures this gives. The strength of the rock, the foundation. No matter what battered it, the house remained standing. It was impenetrable. It was resolute. There was a surety for the wise man of safety, shelter, protection, and steadfastness. I need all of those things in my life. God provides all of it, if I seek Him for it. "Ask, seek, knock" is a passage earlier in chapter 7. God is available if we go to Him, admit His authority/Kingship, and our humble, desperate need of Him in our lives.

I feel like this passage is an accurate description of where I am in my life and my relationship with Jesus right now. I have 2 kids. LJ was very high maintenance last year, while I also gave birth to JD. I feel like the storms tossed me around, overwhelmed me at times, but in the end, I just crouched down close to the Rock (Jesus Christ), hung tight, sought His comfort and wisdom, and the winds finally blowed over me. Now, I can't take any credit for the crouching close to Jesus. I have been walking with God, His Spirit in me, for a long, long time. I have done my own share of straying, doubting, ignoring His presence, but He has not left my side. I think sometimes His Spirit gives me such grace, in that He doesn't let me stray that far in the first place, and that's just part of His plan for me. He is always there when I come back. He has been, without a doubt, my Rock in life. And maybe He does that, just to encourage others that He is real and involved in the details of our lives.

I am not generally a worrier. I think that bothers, or maybe just baffles, some people. But I just have gotten to the point where, if God is who He says He is, if He is all-powerful, all-knowing, than what can little ol' me do to change things that He's got under control? That's not to say that I don't take precautions, I don't try to think things through, or I get careless; but I don't want the burden of worrying. I've got plenty of other burdens I choose to carry instead of give over to the Lord like I should.

But I tangent. Our church celebrated their 5 year anniversary today. They had a video of several members telling what the church had meant to them, after Harrison taught on Acts 2, which is a passage describing what the first New Testament church looked like.

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47

The testimonies revealed that we definitely "gave to anyone as he had need", and that God has added to our number through the authenticity of simple families living for Him. Several testimonies were of changed lives, changed relationships, and it wasn't the just stand up and say what you like about such and such ministry. These people found a God who is loving, and whose grace covers all of their sin. A God who is so amazing, they are just now experiencing what unconditional love is. And what is grace? Grace is undeserved favor. Undeserved mercy. God reached down to us, loved us enough to sacrifice His Son to death on a cross, and conquered death (O death, where is thy sting? Hosea 13:14) through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. That victory over death, THAT is what gives me hope, shows me love. Because I can believe in a God who is that BIG, that POWERFUL. That is the Solid Rock on which I stand, and releases me from all fear. I guess, through the testimonies of these sweet men and women, I saw for a moment how desperate they had been for hope and mercy and grace and love in their lives. I haven't known that kind of desperation, not really. I have been told how great (as in powerful) and loving God is for as long as I can remember. And this morning, my eyes were opened as I saw the healing power of Jesus Christ. It was like seeing a life-saving surgery - they were dying (spiritually), and Jesus healed them, gave them the hope and love we all need, and changed their life. I am so glad that they found the Foundation that will hold them up. It is so easy to build our homes on sand, to crash (don't I crash every day?) and let the storms overtake us. But there is a way that is less overwhelming. We don't have to do it ourselves. And that is the big lie in this world - that God doesn't care, and so it's all up to us.

So back to the 2 kids thing. With 2 kids, I've quite quickly discovered (as they are still quite young), I can't do it. I'm a perfectionist. I've already failed my kids a thousand times (um, my husband of 7 years can probably pipe in here that I was failing long before kids). And can I tell you, it is such a relief to let it all go? To let my burden of raising kids "right" (whatever that is) and trust God that He will compensate for my weakness. "But [God] said to me, ' My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

This doesn't mean I slack off, and don't try to discipline my kids, or give them safe boundaries, or feed them healthy food. It just means that I can live in freedom. "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Jesus, Matthew 11:30)

I don't know about you, but I keep our life pretty simple, and I still need an easy yoke and a light burden. Life is too hard trying to carry the load all by myself.

Quick Recipes

Okay, on a lighter note, at least at first - 3 of my favorite, easy, go with everything recipes. When I first got married, I was NOT a cook. My mom would have laughed at the idea of me cooking every night. I mean, she knew I could do it if I wanted to, but I was not exactly the domestic kind of gal. Tim bragged during our engagement that he was going to have to do all the cooking since I didn't know how (hey, I could make Kraft mac & cheese with the best of them!). [And by the way, it took Tim 5 years to make me his famous key lime pie; dinner? HA, still waiting...] Now, I love to cook. But I have to admit, it is very challenging with 2 kids to prep it unless you start during naptime - and who wants to cook during naptime? Nap myself, read, goof off, straighten the house.....I can come up with a lot more fun things to do, even as much as I enjoy making a great meal. Yum, I am so hungry now!

CROCKPOT CHICKEN
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of chicken soup
8 oz (1 cup) sour cream
Flavor with salt, pepper, garlic as needed
Mix together. Pour over 4-6 chicken breasts (skinless, bone in or out) in crockpot.

Cook for 6-8 hours on low.

Goes with EVERYTHING.

CRANBERRY CHICKEN
1 cup creamy French dressing
1 8oz (small) can of crushed pineapple, drained
1 can whole cranberry sauce

Mix together, pour over 8+ chicken tenderloins.
Cook at 400 for 30-45 minutes.

Goes really well with brown rice & vegetables.

POPPYSEED CHICKEN

Cook about 6 cups rice (white or brown). Layer on bottom of casserole dish or 9x13.

Mix #1:
2 cans cream of mushroom soup
8 oz (1 cup) sour cream
2 cups (2-3 chicken breasts) cut up chicken

Layer Mix #1 on top of rice.

Mix #2:
2 pkgs crushed Ritz crackers
6-8 Tbsp. melted butter
Poppyseeds as like

Layer Mix #2 on top of Mix #1

Cook at 350 for 30 minutes.

Worship

This is from the Beth Moore study I mentioned yesterday.
Psalm 134
"Now praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord who stand in the Lord's house at night!
Lift up your hands in the holy place, and praise the Lord!
May the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth, bless you from Zion."

(from Beth) "Peterson echoed..."The sentence ['Now praise the Lord'] is an invitation; it is also a command. Having arrived at the place of worship, will we now sit around and tell stories about the trip? Having gotten to the big city, will we spend our time here as tourists, visiting the bazaars, window shopping and trading? Having gotten Jerusalem checked off our list of things to do, will we immediately begin looking for another challenge, another holy place to visit? Will the temple be a place to socialize, receive congratulations from others on our achievement, a place to share gossip and trade stories, a place to make business contacts that will improve our prospects back home? But that is not why you made the trip: bless [praise] God. You are here because God blessed you. Now you bless God."
[Beth] wrote: "Do what you came to do!" [Peterson's main point above] Of course, God blesses our fellowship and our shared experiences; each of those have important places in our travels here on earth. You and I, however, were created to praise God; so let's spend priority time doing what we came to do. I felt a tang of conviction over my attentions during worship at my own church. I dearly love the people who sit in my same general section and, goodness knows, God wants me to! He desires for us to embrace and be happy to see one another; but when worship begins, God wants us to push the hold button on our fellowship with one another and give Him 100 percent of our attention. He wants us to do what we came to do!"

Okay, so this is a little confusing considering it's week 6 of the study, and it's a little difficult to explain the context (which is why I threw in Psalm 134, which is what her comments, and Peterson's comments - whom she quotes in the 1st paragraph - are about). Peterson is talking about the Jews, and how when they arrived in Jerusalem to worship the Lord, how some may have wanted to handle it instead: telling stories, making business contacts, looking at other places.
All of it just really spoke to me on the point of worship. It reiterated what I have felt is the foundation of going to church in the first place. My father was very clear growing up that when we entered into the sanctuary, it was a holy place - not necessarily the chairs or velvet pews or bright green carpet - but that the whole point, the only point, of why we went to the sanctuary on a Sunday morning, was to worship God. To praise Him. To acknowledge the greatness of our King. I wasn't allowed to talk to friends, write notes to them, or just not show up. Many may consider this legalistic, but maybe their parents didn't explain the whys of the rules. Dad made it clear - it wasn't about the "thou shalt nots" - it was about giving to God what God is due - the reverence, the "100 percent of our attention". Do I do this every week? No, of course not. Many Sundays I am tired, worn down by getting the boys ready, and not prepared to give God His due. Hopefully more times than not, though, I do get to spend an hour or so in reverence to a holy God, who is so much bigger than me, and remember how gracious He is to us. I get to surrender my worries and burdens to a great God who will give me His lighter yoke, and revel in the joys He has blessed me with for now. What a privilege!