Gone missing

Well, I know I've been remiss the last couple of weeks. God has been doing a lot of work on me. To be honest, when He does that, I don't really feel like talking to people. I get very anti-social, and sometimes kind of depressed as I work through the emotions of how I feel about what I'm being asked to do, give up, or just listen to. It started right before my church's women's retreat. We had found out we were pregnant (yeah! I know this is big news to many). But I have had a miscarriage before each of the boys, so while I was very excited, I think the Holy Spirit kind of gave me a heart warning. I told Tim before I left for the retreat, I felt like it was possible I would miscarry that weekend. I didn't want to be doomsdayer, but in retrospect, I see God's hand in it.

On the retreat, God did a lot of speaking to me through the Holy Spirit. 2 of the women who gave their testimonies told about what God taught them through the heartbreak of miscarriages. I felt God was telling me I had never really experienced the grief at the level they had. Both of mine were very early - 6 to 8 weeks, and one of them I never really got a full positive pregnancy test, so it was not a big surprise when I started bleeding. Later, after talking to Tim about it, he said I was very upset both times, but in the hormonal shifts of being pregnant, not being pregnant, then getting pregnant again 2 months later (both times), I think my memory is probably not quite reliable. The tiredness & all I think just make things a blur. I've probably been hormonal for 3 years now. :)

The other thing God revealed to me was that I always have to find the answers. Just like a man, I want to know what the answer is, and fix everything that's broken. And sometimes, that is just not life. Now, intellectually I know this; heartwise, it's very difficult for me to not know, not have an answer to put in the box. He has worked on me with this before; in college, I struggled a long time with "predestination vs. free will" before I concluded theologically there will be a lot of things only God knows. But this next test was going to be more life-oriented.

I went to the dr 3 days after the retreat. He did an ultrasound, and I was only measuring 5 1/2 weeks. He could see the yoke & the sac, but nothing else (which was a little understandable being so early but I think he was looking for a 3rd thing and couldn't find it). But I thought I was 8 weeks! So he warned me, either our dating is off (which is reasonable - ovulation can vary, especially since I had been weaning Jack when we got pregnant), or it was not growing. The clincher was, I would not know for 2 weeks. I would have no idea whether we were going to miscarry or not. Now, if you know me well, my tendency is to assume the worst, because it's so much easier for me not to get my hopes up! But because His Spirit continued to walk through me with this, I knew this was a time for me to trust God. I have spent the last couple of weeks grieving, hoping, and trying to rest in the middle that He knows what's best for me. One of the other things I learned is what a fabulous family I grew up in. My parents taught me a lot of who God is, and what His character is. Anytime we struggled with something, or got disciplined for disobedience, they usually said something along the lines of they were doing what was best for us, or what they thought was best, and that they loved us. We may not have liked them at the time, but they were very consistent with that message. And what I continued to hear the last week or so, was God wants what is best for me. If that means walking through a miscarriage, having to have a D&C or D&E, going through more grief than I have before, then that is what is best for me, and He will be there with me walking me through it. If that means saving the baby by His grace and mercy, then He has still accomplished His plan, because I have learned so much by having to wait. The last 24-48 hours I started getting really nervous. I remembered how Abraham asked for God's mercy that if there were 10 in a city worth saving (Rachel, I know you would know the exact reference), would He do it, and God said yes. I remembered how David pleaded for God's mercy in several instances, but specifically his son, though God did not save him as a consequence for sin. And so I begged for mercy. While I had not felt pregnant for a week and a half, I did not have high hopes outside of God's amazing work that I would keep this child, I confessed my sin, my arrogance, my pride, and begged for His mercy, that it would be His will to keep this child.

The good news is He answered! The doctor found the heartbeat yesterday, and he says I'm measuring at 9 weeks. How I've gone from 5 1/2 weeks to 9 weeks in 2 weeks, only God has that answer. But I am humbled and amazed by His grace and mercy. Mercy is undeserved favor. There is nothing I have done that affected this outcome, but God has seen fit that he will continue to protect this baby because He loves me, and He wants what is best for me. But I still hold in my heart, that if He at some point chooses differently, He still loves me and wants what is best for me. And in 31 years of my life, He has proven that to me over & over, through the ups and downs of my life.