I am dealing with relationships right now. I am tired of being guilted into things. I am tired of having people attempt to manipulate me. I am tired of feeling like I have to defend myself. God has brought me a little of the way, in that I used to allow others to guilt me into things, to manipulate me, and I would defend myself. Now, I am better at staying put, being content, and doing what I feel is right for myself and for my family. I remind myself that after my first love to God, my next responsibility is to be a godly wife and mother and make decisions that coincide with that ("Blessed is one day in His courts than thousands elsewhere" - Psalms). But that does not seem to lessen my frustration with some of my relationships.
On the other hand, I have some beautiful relationships, and maybe that is what makes the difference so stark now. I have some beautiful friendships that encourage me, listen to me, build me up, help me pursue my walk with God, and are just a continuous blessing to me. I feel very blessed when I think of my many special friends that are like that. And I have to say, they are definitely the majority (thank you Jesus). What is the saying, one bad apple spoils the lot? I think I realized recently that sometimes it is that one bad apple (whether person or circumstance) that steals our joy. How do I prevent people or things from stealing my joy? My joy should be in Christ regardless. But then, there are moments I feel Satan using it to step in my life and steal my joy. Kind of like Job, when God allowed Satan to step into Job's life and take everything precious to him.
Of course, when I look back a year ago, I couldn't have said how you experience joy. I allowed my expectations of myself and others' expectations of me to dictate much of how I felt. As God has released me of these burdens and revealed to me how to live in His grace, I have experienced more joy in the last 6 months than probably my whole life. So I am very begrudging when I feel my joy being stolen from me against my will, against what I can control.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me," was King David's cry in the Psalms. May I listen to His calling to continue to love others and consider them better than myself (Phil 2) - it is so hard sometimes. My joy is not in earthly things, so I must continue to "seek first His kingdom, and all things things shall be added unto you..."
I know I ramble a lot, but hopefully this is an example of my struggles, and how God draws me to Himself again through the Holy Spirit. I don't listen any better than you, but His Word and His Spirit do remind me of Who He is and His Truth in my life, whether I feel like listening or not. I'm still trying to open my ears to hear today, and these are the thoughts/ramblings He gives me as I seek His face in the midst of my broken heart. I'm so thankful we will be restored in Heaven - what a blessed day that will be!
"If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next." Elisabeth Elliott
Monday, July 28, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A Quiet Heart
I have been reading Elisabeth Elliott's book "A Quiet Heart". It is a collection of her writings that end up being great for a devotional. I read several each day, and I feel like they ground me again in God's Word and Truth. Her words pour over me as God's grace and comfort and give me strength each day to go out and be content in spirit with my children and my life. Here's an example.
In her introduction, she had written a prayer in college:
"Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand,
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by Thy hand."
In her first writing, she talks about how Jesus trusted God the Father - how he could sleep through the storm on the sea, how he could eat with and wash the feet of the disciple who denied him and the disciple who betrayed him. It convicts me that when I am hurt or betrayed, I can barely spend time with that person, much less wash their feet, be content, be quiet of spirit and heart. But then she reminds us what is important:
"Purity of heart, said Kierkegaard, is to will one thing. The Son willed only one thing: the will of His Father. That's what He came to earth to do. Nothing else. One whose aim is as pure as that can have a completely quiet heart, knowing what the psalmist knew: "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5). I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things which happen to us which do not belong to our lovingly assigned "portion" ("This belongs to it, that does not")? Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty?
"Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter.
"What do we really want in life?....is there one thing above all others....? "One thing have I desired of the Lord," said David, "this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life..." (Psalm 27:4).
"A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace."
Of course, it's much more cohesive in the writing/chapter. But her main point is our willing acceptance of our portion, our contentment in what God gives. I love the contemporary song that says, "Blessed be the Lord, who gives and takes away," as it reminds us to be content as God wills it. That He is control of all of it....He just asks us to trust and obey. Sometimes trusting God despite our circumstances seems foolishness to the world, but it is wisdom to God. It is trusting in His strength, not our own. I have not always been here, but as He has taught me and held me and given me wisdom with raising LJ, I have learned to take each day one day at a time, and lean in His grace for today. All the judgment or expectations from the world, from myself, from others just falls away as I lean on His wisdom and grace to teach me what He wants from me today.
In her introduction, she had written a prayer in college:
"Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand,
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by Thy hand."
In her first writing, she talks about how Jesus trusted God the Father - how he could sleep through the storm on the sea, how he could eat with and wash the feet of the disciple who denied him and the disciple who betrayed him. It convicts me that when I am hurt or betrayed, I can barely spend time with that person, much less wash their feet, be content, be quiet of spirit and heart. But then she reminds us what is important:
"Purity of heart, said Kierkegaard, is to will one thing. The Son willed only one thing: the will of His Father. That's what He came to earth to do. Nothing else. One whose aim is as pure as that can have a completely quiet heart, knowing what the psalmist knew: "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5). I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things which happen to us which do not belong to our lovingly assigned "portion" ("This belongs to it, that does not")? Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty?
"Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter.
"What do we really want in life?....is there one thing above all others....? "One thing have I desired of the Lord," said David, "this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life..." (Psalm 27:4).
"A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace."
Of course, it's much more cohesive in the writing/chapter. But her main point is our willing acceptance of our portion, our contentment in what God gives. I love the contemporary song that says, "Blessed be the Lord, who gives and takes away," as it reminds us to be content as God wills it. That He is control of all of it....He just asks us to trust and obey. Sometimes trusting God despite our circumstances seems foolishness to the world, but it is wisdom to God. It is trusting in His strength, not our own. I have not always been here, but as He has taught me and held me and given me wisdom with raising LJ, I have learned to take each day one day at a time, and lean in His grace for today. All the judgment or expectations from the world, from myself, from others just falls away as I lean on His wisdom and grace to teach me what He wants from me today.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Catching up....Again
Well, for those that don't know yet - it's a girl! We are so excited, although I think I'm more excited about having a 3rd child than whether it's a boy or girl. I think I feel weird for being excited about it. Many give me more the impression of, Are you CRAZY? and Have you lost your mind?? than excited. My friends with 6 kids (or 4+ at the least) are beyond excited for me, which reveals to me how God makes us all SO differently. And that's okay. I have friends at every spectrum of life, and I think what God wants most from us is contentment - whether we don't have any kids or whether we have 10 - that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, because that is where He has put us for today.
I am missing blogging a little bit. But for the most part, I have been too busy to miss it. I barely have time to check my email right now, and I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of it is that all the kids are out of school, so while we are all juggling vacation schedules, suddenly I have more play date options than I know what to do with (not that my phone is ringing off the hook, but I know I can call people when I have time). Part of it is planning a birthday party. Okay, I am planning ONE birthday party for TWO boys, that really was meant to be very simple, and basically split down the middle for them. I still ended up trapsing all over town looking for cake or cupcake train decorations that do not exist in Charlotte except thru online resources. So good ol' Harris Teeter (our grocery store) is doing it for me. This week, I greatly envied those with creative talent, especially in the drawing department. What I wouldn't do to be able to create a train on a homemade cake with lifesavers or frosting. Believe me, if I tried, it would be unrecognizable. I am one of those people that need to tell me what pieces go where and give me a box kit with directions. I know my boys don't expect much; it's really protecting myself and making sure I don't have an emotional breakdown from the effort of creating a train from scratch for a cake.
What else? I had a BEAUTIFUL weekend with my college girlfriends in Pensacola last weekend. 3 days with kindred spirits, many of whom I lived with for 9 months one year or another, talking, laughing, eating - what else do women do? Without husbands, children, distractions. My favorite part (other than being with them)...? Not dealing with breakfast & diapers & getting dressed first thing in the morning with the kids. I am not a morning person, and I do not miss that part at ALL on vacation. Once we get past b'fast, I'm usually good to go. It's that they need EVERYTHING right at first. But back to the weekend...we had 10 out of the 12 or 13 of us. We have all been roommates with each other at some point - not that I've roomed with all 12 of them, but that I have roomed with 8 of them I think in my 4 years at Auburn. We agreed that living together creates a whole other bonding that you can't recreate (my husband has been baffled at how close I am to them despite the distances and time lapses). I am so encouraged every time we meet how God continues to work in each of their lives, molding them, maturing them, and challenging them. He reminds me that I am not alone in my ideals and values, and that I can go forth in confidence. They are living proof of the pressing on towards the goal. I pray that He continues to walk beside them, and they continue to hear His voice.
Tonight, I went to a Bible study with my church for the 2nd time. It has been a week of reminding me how God created us for relationships, first because of His relationship with us, or the one He desires to have with us; second, because He also created us to be in relationship with each other (hence, making Eve for Adam). God encourages us through His Word (the Bible), through prayer, and through each other. Many times, I am surprised at how He encourages me through a person I don't expect. And I have learned as a new(er) parent, how vital it is that we encourage each other as mothers (of course, I learned the encouragement for wives back when I first got married - yeesh! I needed a lot of encouragement then too). I am thankful for the church, the body of believers who hold me up, but also for my friends who encourage me because God is using them to show me His constant grace.
My weekend on central time is keeping me up; it is bedtime, else we will miss our last OT session (Lord willing!) for LJ. God is so good!
I am missing blogging a little bit. But for the most part, I have been too busy to miss it. I barely have time to check my email right now, and I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of it is that all the kids are out of school, so while we are all juggling vacation schedules, suddenly I have more play date options than I know what to do with (not that my phone is ringing off the hook, but I know I can call people when I have time). Part of it is planning a birthday party. Okay, I am planning ONE birthday party for TWO boys, that really was meant to be very simple, and basically split down the middle for them. I still ended up trapsing all over town looking for cake or cupcake train decorations that do not exist in Charlotte except thru online resources. So good ol' Harris Teeter (our grocery store) is doing it for me. This week, I greatly envied those with creative talent, especially in the drawing department. What I wouldn't do to be able to create a train on a homemade cake with lifesavers or frosting. Believe me, if I tried, it would be unrecognizable. I am one of those people that need to tell me what pieces go where and give me a box kit with directions. I know my boys don't expect much; it's really protecting myself and making sure I don't have an emotional breakdown from the effort of creating a train from scratch for a cake.
What else? I had a BEAUTIFUL weekend with my college girlfriends in Pensacola last weekend. 3 days with kindred spirits, many of whom I lived with for 9 months one year or another, talking, laughing, eating - what else do women do? Without husbands, children, distractions. My favorite part (other than being with them)...? Not dealing with breakfast & diapers & getting dressed first thing in the morning with the kids. I am not a morning person, and I do not miss that part at ALL on vacation. Once we get past b'fast, I'm usually good to go. It's that they need EVERYTHING right at first. But back to the weekend...we had 10 out of the 12 or 13 of us. We have all been roommates with each other at some point - not that I've roomed with all 12 of them, but that I have roomed with 8 of them I think in my 4 years at Auburn. We agreed that living together creates a whole other bonding that you can't recreate (my husband has been baffled at how close I am to them despite the distances and time lapses). I am so encouraged every time we meet how God continues to work in each of their lives, molding them, maturing them, and challenging them. He reminds me that I am not alone in my ideals and values, and that I can go forth in confidence. They are living proof of the pressing on towards the goal. I pray that He continues to walk beside them, and they continue to hear His voice.
Tonight, I went to a Bible study with my church for the 2nd time. It has been a week of reminding me how God created us for relationships, first because of His relationship with us, or the one He desires to have with us; second, because He also created us to be in relationship with each other (hence, making Eve for Adam). God encourages us through His Word (the Bible), through prayer, and through each other. Many times, I am surprised at how He encourages me through a person I don't expect. And I have learned as a new(er) parent, how vital it is that we encourage each other as mothers (of course, I learned the encouragement for wives back when I first got married - yeesh! I needed a lot of encouragement then too). I am thankful for the church, the body of believers who hold me up, but also for my friends who encourage me because God is using them to show me His constant grace.
My weekend on central time is keeping me up; it is bedtime, else we will miss our last OT session (Lord willing!) for LJ. God is so good!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Catching Up
Whew! I have thought of lots of blogs to write, but absolutely no time to write them with. About 9:30-10pm I'm laying in bed, thinking of all of the great, eloquent things I want to write, and by morning have no clue what they are. By nap time, all I can think about is I've done no shopping or planning for the boys' birthday party in 3 weeks, and shopping for paint, bunk beds, etc is right around the corner if I have any hope of getting the boys settled in their room together before the next baby comes. Amazingly, I'm unpacked faster than ever from our trip (thank you, dear husband), and now I just have to keep up with the other million things to do.
Our trip was great - LJ didn't stop playing the whole week - pushed the blue truck outside, played in the sand, wondered who turned off the water when the tide went out, made lots of sand castles, found out what hermit crabs were, and slept like a champ until the sun came up at 5 am. The ride back was a little tricky, as LJ and JD were both exhausted, but they had a blast jumping on the beds in the hotel room. And really, for almost 3 years and 1 yr old, I couldn't have asked for a better trip. I think the key to a contented parent is low expectations - ha! :)
The past week or so, this new little one has been growing a lot; I think (s)he is telling me I need to take a nap today. Maybe I'll be able to blog more soon. We find out girl or boy a week from today!
Our trip was great - LJ didn't stop playing the whole week - pushed the blue truck outside, played in the sand, wondered who turned off the water when the tide went out, made lots of sand castles, found out what hermit crabs were, and slept like a champ until the sun came up at 5 am. The ride back was a little tricky, as LJ and JD were both exhausted, but they had a blast jumping on the beds in the hotel room. And really, for almost 3 years and 1 yr old, I couldn't have asked for a better trip. I think the key to a contented parent is low expectations - ha! :)
The past week or so, this new little one has been growing a lot; I think (s)he is telling me I need to take a nap today. Maybe I'll be able to blog more soon. We find out girl or boy a week from today!
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