Wednesday, November 6, 2013

One Thousand Gifts

My oldest son has autism.  I'm sure I've covered it in earlier posts.  There have been times where autism has required everything from me, and there have been times where it is secondary to our family living our lives.  It has taken a lot to get to a place where it does not rule our lives as much as it used to.

I am reading through "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  We have just gotten back from LJ's speech therapy and my allergy shots.  I had to drag LJ out of the doctor's office, in front of several people.  I think it's because I interrupted him when they called me for my shots, or maybe it's because I reprimanded him (gently) to not knock over the screen in the lab in front of others.  With autism, you never know and most of the time they cannot tell you.

The kids go outside to play.  It's a perfect fall day.  I'm reading about eucharisto and seeing God and running from life and running towards God.  My heart breaks for my son.  I'm broken because of my pride, which hates dragging an eight year old out of a doctor's office...will someone call CDS someday?  How much longer will these moments occur?  What do I do when he's 14 and taller than me, stronger than me, and I just need him to join the rest of us?  I'm not even requiring him to talk or perform or think...I just need him to walk with us.  I need him to be able to function as a part of this family, and what we need to do.  I'm broken for him, for how difficult his life is, for his brain which seems to just turn off like at the doctor's office, and all I have are pieces, empty eyes looking at me, a body that has collapsed to the floor and cannot walk.  I'm broken for his siblings who go into survival mode, opening doors for me, waiting by the car obediently, knowing I am holding the baby and trying to drag LJ to the car and I only have 2 arms.  I'm trying to not yell or cry, begging God to give me the grace to reach LJ and get us through this moment.  I'm on a mission, I don't see anything around me, focusing on getting my four children to the car and buckled, so I can breathe.  I don't see kind eyes or critical eyes, I just see my son and this empty body in front of me.

I'm reading about eucharisteo and thinking about how much I love these little ones in my life.  My heart bursts with joy mixed with pain, wanting healing for them, whatever healing they need...body, spirit, mind...I am so content with these whom God has given me, and yet my heart aches.   I carry God's love for them in my heart and my heart aches for them.  I can almost feel God infusing His heart with mine, showing me how much He loves them more than me, showing me His love is greater, telling me it's going to be okay.  They are going to be okay.  "Trust Me," He whispers. "Take my grace."

Dinner needs to be made.  Kids came back inside.  My heart still aches for these loves of mine.  Days like this, I am thankful for.  God comes close to me, walks with me, lends His strength to get through this difficult day.  His grace sustains me.  And yet, my heart aches, because this surreal life I live in makes it impossible to pretend.  Impossible to pretend that we are a "normal" family, that life is easy, that our biggest worries are if we will make it somewhere on time or what we're going to make for dinner.  His grace sustains me.  His grace sustains you. 

And now, my sweet daughter whispers, teasing me.  God is good.  His grace is sweet. Eucharisteo.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Reformation Day!

One of the interesting things about the first year of homeschooling is you start re-evaluating why and how you do things as a family.  For us, life has slowed down and as Halloween approached, my heart and spirit started prompting me to re-think how we handle this holiday.  It has never been my favorite holiday, unlike many of my friends.  I don't like celebrating all the scary stuff...not because it scares me, but it's so un-Christ-like, celebrating death instead of life, skeletons and zombies instead of anything that resembles the joy that Christ brings. I do love fall, though!  I love leaves and pumpkins, crisp air and campfires with s'mores!  I love hay rides and apple orchards, cider and pumpkin spice lattes!
 
But back to my point...I started re-thinking celebrating Halloween.  Instead of having been swept up in the busy-ness of school events and just rolling with Halloween like always, we had all this time to look up the roots of how Halloween got started.  I could look up Reformation Day and All Saints Day, and talk to the kids about the differences.  Once we started talking about it, the kids realized we couldn't un-know that Halloween has roots in worshipping Satan, demons, and witchcraft.  Even if others are not celebrating those specifically, we felt personally convicted that we could not participate in something that represented that.  Of course, then our debate became, if we don't dress up for Halloween and go trick or treating, what DO we do? 
 
We looked up Reformation parties!  We spent September learning about the hymn, "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" by Martin Luther.  We learned about Martin Luther, and memorized the first verse, so the kids were already familiar with who Martin Luther was.  We made our first "Diet of Worms" snack.  We had to wait for EK to wake up to do our Bible smuggling relay. (Ideas from: Sojourn Kids)

 
 
 

We are going to a church event associated with their old school tonight, during the normal trick or treating hours.  We all still feel conflicted about giving up this very American celebration, but I think we've all learned a lot about history as a result.  As we continue to develop how we want to make new traditions, my hope is that October 31st becomes just another day we find a way to worship the one true God instead of celebrate a bunch of scary stuff that doesn't honor Him at all. 

Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for my son, who has autism and shows little to no affection, who wrapped his arms around his baby sister and greeted her with, "I haven't said good morning to you yet," as if he said that to any of us on any given day.

The normal becomes the precious.

Today I am thankful for the instant joy of a baby's smile, even after hours of crying and discontent.

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13, NIV

Today I am thankful for a son's sacrifice for his sibling, for his unconditional love for his brother.

Christ humbles me with this precious gift, the gift of a son who can love and forgive better than I, a son filled with Christ-like compassion.

Today I am thankful for a girl who brims with passion and devours the Word with her mind.

"So is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11, NIV

Today I am thankful for a husband's love, a transformed life, overflowing with the Spirit.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:9, NIV 


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A New Season

I am about 2 months into our first year of homeschooling.   One of the many reasons we started doing it is because in many ways, when you have four children and your youngest is one, it is easier.  I hear my mom friends with kids in local schools laughing at me, but it's true.  Carting four children in and out of the car several times a day gets old...fast.  It is so much easier to stay home and go out when you have the energy to actually take 4 children out of the house. 

I absolutely love homeschooling.  I love everything about it.  There is one thing, though, that I feel like homeschoolers miss talking about in the blogging world sometimes.  We talk about what kind of curriculum we use, what fun activity we did with our kids, how to get them to do their chores...but we miss how isolating it can be.  My kids are 8 and under.  We can go to parks and the library...but they are not at the ages where we can do a lot of plays (no kids under age 3), field trips are the exception (costs, taking 4 kids 8 & under logistics, etc), and activities (also costly) can only include my older 2 boys while my 4 year old wants playmates but has to be 5 to do anything.  I'm schooling while my mom friends are free and they are in carpool when I can talk.  My oldest has autism.  We have therapy twice a week.  We have another therapy for my 4 year old.  I have allergy shots twice a week.  When we aren't running around town for therapy, shots or doctor appointments, I just want to stay home!  Maybe it's just me...autism means you can't do everything in a day that a mom with neurotypical kids often can (too many transitions)...but I doubt it.  I doubt I'm the only homeschooling mom that has a problem remembering the last time she talked to a girlfriend on the phone. 

The beautiful thing about homeschooling is everyone does it different for how it best fits their family.  The hard thing about homeschooling is everyone's schedule is different. 

I miss my friends.  I miss girl time.  I miss girl talk on the phone and the carefree days of preschool.  And yet, I love homeschooling.  I love endless time with my kids.  I still feel at the end of the day, I wished we had more time to do "such and such."  I love the laughter and the team building and talking about Jesus.  I love watching them learn and experiencing it with them.  I love dreaming up new projects or lessons to do with them.  I know this is a season, and I wouldn't trade this time with my kids for anything in the world...I just wish I could share the joys and challenges of homeschooling with my girl friends more often!

So while I am in the midst of this new season, I don't know that I have a ton of great advice.  But I will share what has helped me through this transition.  It has brought me back to spending daily time with Jesus, sharing with him my day instead of everyone else.  It has challenged me to give myself grace when I feel all of the expectations of my family on my shoulders, to take a break during the day that's for me.  It can be drinking a cup of coffee, or reading a book for me for a few minutes while the baby is taking a nap and my older kids are happily playing, or attempting to call a friend even if they can't talk.  Hopefully they'll call back later and I can take another break!  There will always be more school, more dishes, and more laundry.  I am also trying to commit to a weekly Bible study.  My husband works late at night, and morning Bible studies are very difficult with 4 kids!  But so far, God has been gracious, and while I haven't made a night Bible study as often I would like, I have one on a Wednesday morning every 2 weeks that I have been able to attend.  God has kept my older kids content and my 1 year old fairly manageable (although distracting) during the study!  (I had to try both because I wasn't sure which one would actually work out.)

Perseverance has not been my favorite word in recent years.  You know what people say about praying for patience, or not praying for patience in case you get it?  That's perseverance and me.  I feel like there are too many areas in my life that I have to persevere in, even down to chasing down time to talk to my friends!  But in my new Wednesday morning Bible study, we're studying James.  I never noticed before what it said in James 1:4 (NIV, emphasis mine).  "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  I will continue to persevere in finding time with Jesus , so that I may return to my family to share the joy that Jesus has shared with me.  I will also pray that He will provide the time and opportunities to meet with my dear friends that also encourage me.  He knows my heart.  He knows your heart.  "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:4 (NIV)