Okay. So I have gotten the impression that some people find it really hard to leave their kids. And it is hard. I cried almost the whole way home after dropping them off at my parents' house (I had to pick up a very sick husband back at home & drive us to Orlando - it was a long 1st day!). But getting up every morning for 6 days, having no agenda, no diaper changes, no discussions about what we do or don't want to eat for breakfast (I don't do these conversations well first thing in the morning)....and on top of it, sitting at a table outside overlooking a canal, reading books, eating breakfast BY MYSELF (my husband being at the urology conference) in peace & quiet - there just aren't words as I said on facebook. I didn't realize till I had kids how much I needed time to myself. I dearly love my husband, but often he is as high maintenance as the kids, so it was nice to have 5 hours before I had him set a faster pace for us (once he felt better 3 days later!). The weather was beautiful. It was a perfect week. I think it was the most restful, appreciated vacation I've ever had. And it was wonderful to see the boys again. Lucas ran around the van as we packed their things in it, saying "Hurry, Mommy, hurry!" I didn't even know he knew what the word "hurry" was, much less what it meant! :) I think all parents should get away. I have enjoyed my boys more in the past week, listened to them better, loved on them more, played with them more, relished their energy and joy more....I am a better mother because of it.
We are leaving again in 3 weeks to go to my family reunion at my uncle's Cape Cod house. I have never been to the northeast (though I'm originally from Michigan - midwest), and I am very excited. However, we are driving for 2 days with the boys and my parents. Tim's partner is taking vacation for 3 weeks (I will refrain from ranting here on my multiple issues of loving my enemy that I need to work through), so Tim has to fly up separately since he cannot get away for that long. My parents kindly volunteered to join me. I have thoughts on that too. But my grandparents will get to see the boys, and I know that brings them so much joy.
I think my original point here was going to be, I'll be packing again in 2 weeks. I've got a combined birthday party to plan for the boys in July (which will be here before I know it!), and Tim's birthday is in 2 weeks - yikes!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Music & Lyrics
Okay, so there are few movies that I really think are funny. I have a pretty dry sense of humor, and I do not enjoy a whole lot of bathroom humor (probably because my parents never indulged in it), which is what most of the funny movies are about. But "Music & Lyrics" is quickly turning into one of my favorites. It has Drew Barrymore & Hugh Grant in it. They have to write this song. He was part of a band in the 80's and now only plays at 80's reunion type stuff. At the beginning, they play his old music video. Now, I did not grow up with any cable - couldn't get it in rural Michigan in the mid-80's - so I have very little exposure to MTV and such. Bear with me if I have a completely naive perspective. I think Hugh Grant in that POP music video is HYSTERICAL. It is classic 80's and silly, and he looks ridiculous when he dances! Besides the fact of the whole silly story they're telling as they sing the song. The movie as a whole to me is funny, but that video - I think I could watch it over & over. "Hitch" with Will Smith is another one of my favorites - especially when he gets that allergic reaction. But I watched M & L again the other night, and I just had to share in case you haven't seen it.
Gone missing
Well, I know I've been remiss the last couple of weeks. God has been doing a lot of work on me. To be honest, when He does that, I don't really feel like talking to people. I get very anti-social, and sometimes kind of depressed as I work through the emotions of how I feel about what I'm being asked to do, give up, or just listen to. It started right before my church's women's retreat. We had found out we were pregnant (yeah! I know this is big news to many). But I have had a miscarriage before each of the boys, so while I was very excited, I think the Holy Spirit kind of gave me a heart warning. I told Tim before I left for the retreat, I felt like it was possible I would miscarry that weekend. I didn't want to be doomsdayer, but in retrospect, I see God's hand in it.
On the retreat, God did a lot of speaking to me through the Holy Spirit. 2 of the women who gave their testimonies told about what God taught them through the heartbreak of miscarriages. I felt God was telling me I had never really experienced the grief at the level they had. Both of mine were very early - 6 to 8 weeks, and one of them I never really got a full positive pregnancy test, so it was not a big surprise when I started bleeding. Later, after talking to Tim about it, he said I was very upset both times, but in the hormonal shifts of being pregnant, not being pregnant, then getting pregnant again 2 months later (both times), I think my memory is probably not quite reliable. The tiredness & all I think just make things a blur. I've probably been hormonal for 3 years now. :)
The other thing God revealed to me was that I always have to find the answers. Just like a man, I want to know what the answer is, and fix everything that's broken. And sometimes, that is just not life. Now, intellectually I know this; heartwise, it's very difficult for me to not know, not have an answer to put in the box. He has worked on me with this before; in college, I struggled a long time with "predestination vs. free will" before I concluded theologically there will be a lot of things only God knows. But this next test was going to be more life-oriented.
I went to the dr 3 days after the retreat. He did an ultrasound, and I was only measuring 5 1/2 weeks. He could see the yoke & the sac, but nothing else (which was a little understandable being so early but I think he was looking for a 3rd thing and couldn't find it). But I thought I was 8 weeks! So he warned me, either our dating is off (which is reasonable - ovulation can vary, especially since I had been weaning Jack when we got pregnant), or it was not growing. The clincher was, I would not know for 2 weeks. I would have no idea whether we were going to miscarry or not. Now, if you know me well, my tendency is to assume the worst, because it's so much easier for me not to get my hopes up! But because His Spirit continued to walk through me with this, I knew this was a time for me to trust God. I have spent the last couple of weeks grieving, hoping, and trying to rest in the middle that He knows what's best for me. One of the other things I learned is what a fabulous family I grew up in. My parents taught me a lot of who God is, and what His character is. Anytime we struggled with something, or got disciplined for disobedience, they usually said something along the lines of they were doing what was best for us, or what they thought was best, and that they loved us. We may not have liked them at the time, but they were very consistent with that message. And what I continued to hear the last week or so, was God wants what is best for me. If that means walking through a miscarriage, having to have a D&C or D&E, going through more grief than I have before, then that is what is best for me, and He will be there with me walking me through it. If that means saving the baby by His grace and mercy, then He has still accomplished His plan, because I have learned so much by having to wait. The last 24-48 hours I started getting really nervous. I remembered how Abraham asked for God's mercy that if there were 10 in a city worth saving (Rachel, I know you would know the exact reference), would He do it, and God said yes. I remembered how David pleaded for God's mercy in several instances, but specifically his son, though God did not save him as a consequence for sin. And so I begged for mercy. While I had not felt pregnant for a week and a half, I did not have high hopes outside of God's amazing work that I would keep this child, I confessed my sin, my arrogance, my pride, and begged for His mercy, that it would be His will to keep this child.
The good news is He answered! The doctor found the heartbeat yesterday, and he says I'm measuring at 9 weeks. How I've gone from 5 1/2 weeks to 9 weeks in 2 weeks, only God has that answer. But I am humbled and amazed by His grace and mercy. Mercy is undeserved favor. There is nothing I have done that affected this outcome, but God has seen fit that he will continue to protect this baby because He loves me, and He wants what is best for me. But I still hold in my heart, that if He at some point chooses differently, He still loves me and wants what is best for me. And in 31 years of my life, He has proven that to me over & over, through the ups and downs of my life.
On the retreat, God did a lot of speaking to me through the Holy Spirit. 2 of the women who gave their testimonies told about what God taught them through the heartbreak of miscarriages. I felt God was telling me I had never really experienced the grief at the level they had. Both of mine were very early - 6 to 8 weeks, and one of them I never really got a full positive pregnancy test, so it was not a big surprise when I started bleeding. Later, after talking to Tim about it, he said I was very upset both times, but in the hormonal shifts of being pregnant, not being pregnant, then getting pregnant again 2 months later (both times), I think my memory is probably not quite reliable. The tiredness & all I think just make things a blur. I've probably been hormonal for 3 years now. :)
The other thing God revealed to me was that I always have to find the answers. Just like a man, I want to know what the answer is, and fix everything that's broken. And sometimes, that is just not life. Now, intellectually I know this; heartwise, it's very difficult for me to not know, not have an answer to put in the box. He has worked on me with this before; in college, I struggled a long time with "predestination vs. free will" before I concluded theologically there will be a lot of things only God knows. But this next test was going to be more life-oriented.
I went to the dr 3 days after the retreat. He did an ultrasound, and I was only measuring 5 1/2 weeks. He could see the yoke & the sac, but nothing else (which was a little understandable being so early but I think he was looking for a 3rd thing and couldn't find it). But I thought I was 8 weeks! So he warned me, either our dating is off (which is reasonable - ovulation can vary, especially since I had been weaning Jack when we got pregnant), or it was not growing. The clincher was, I would not know for 2 weeks. I would have no idea whether we were going to miscarry or not. Now, if you know me well, my tendency is to assume the worst, because it's so much easier for me not to get my hopes up! But because His Spirit continued to walk through me with this, I knew this was a time for me to trust God. I have spent the last couple of weeks grieving, hoping, and trying to rest in the middle that He knows what's best for me. One of the other things I learned is what a fabulous family I grew up in. My parents taught me a lot of who God is, and what His character is. Anytime we struggled with something, or got disciplined for disobedience, they usually said something along the lines of they were doing what was best for us, or what they thought was best, and that they loved us. We may not have liked them at the time, but they were very consistent with that message. And what I continued to hear the last week or so, was God wants what is best for me. If that means walking through a miscarriage, having to have a D&C or D&E, going through more grief than I have before, then that is what is best for me, and He will be there with me walking me through it. If that means saving the baby by His grace and mercy, then He has still accomplished His plan, because I have learned so much by having to wait. The last 24-48 hours I started getting really nervous. I remembered how Abraham asked for God's mercy that if there were 10 in a city worth saving (Rachel, I know you would know the exact reference), would He do it, and God said yes. I remembered how David pleaded for God's mercy in several instances, but specifically his son, though God did not save him as a consequence for sin. And so I begged for mercy. While I had not felt pregnant for a week and a half, I did not have high hopes outside of God's amazing work that I would keep this child, I confessed my sin, my arrogance, my pride, and begged for His mercy, that it would be His will to keep this child.
The good news is He answered! The doctor found the heartbeat yesterday, and he says I'm measuring at 9 weeks. How I've gone from 5 1/2 weeks to 9 weeks in 2 weeks, only God has that answer. But I am humbled and amazed by His grace and mercy. Mercy is undeserved favor. There is nothing I have done that affected this outcome, but God has seen fit that he will continue to protect this baby because He loves me, and He wants what is best for me. But I still hold in my heart, that if He at some point chooses differently, He still loves me and wants what is best for me. And in 31 years of my life, He has proven that to me over & over, through the ups and downs of my life.
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