When Your Marriage Needs Life

Marriage is hard.  It seems like the longer you're married, the harder it becomes.  The harder life gets as you get older, sometimes the more marriage is about surviving.  Some couples are strong.  They start strong and they stay strong, and God is gracious to them.  Some couples struggle.  Some couples start with struggles, and the struggles only get more difficult.  Or maybe they start strong, but life interrupts and they never really recover.

Every marriage is different.  Mine has always been the one that struggles.  We are two stubborn, sinful people who have struggled overcoming our stubbornness and sinfulness.

But God has still been gracious to us.  He has used our marriage to sanctify us, refine us, and make something beautiful.  But it has been 15 years in the making, and I am sure that it will only continue.

There are 3 things I have learned that have breathed new life in our marriage:

1) Marriage needs fun moments.  When life gets hard, marriage needs laughter.  Not the sarcastic, talking-down-to-your-spouse kind.  The goofy-dancing-with-the-kids kind.  Or, as in the picture below, catch a lunch-date while waiting on your son's scan (reality check).  You can't survive the bad without having enough good moments to counter-balance the bad.

2) Marriage needs date nights. Even if they are stay home, after-the-kids-are-in-bed, date nights.  Order take out.  Pick up a pint of his ice cream and her ice cream. Watch Netflix. Organize a child care rotation with neighbors or members from your church and go to a painting class on a Groupon purchase (which also creates that laughter and fun moments if you are not an artist, like me!). 

3) Find a hobby that just you and your spouse do together.  Do something new.  Have your own book club.  Try photography or woodworking or painting.  Color the adult coloring books together.  Make your own graphic novels together.  The possibilities are endless.  Try a few different things until you find something that works.  

Life is stressful enough.  Put some joy into it.  You may struggle liking your spouse right now.  The idea of spending more time together feels like more stress, not less.  I completely understand.  Find something that does not involve whatever the stress is about.  Escape the stress together, and you both may find healing in the escape.

Staying Healthy

After a great (not perfect!) weekend, my son crashed the very next day (Monday) and I crashed with him. The lesson in it:  I found I need to stay the course to stay healthy - spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I have had a hard time keeping up with my gym time in the summer. We want to get together with friends while their kids are out of school, and LJ's health somehow always takes a down turn during the heat. I have gotten better about spending time with God each day in the mornings, although there are still days I miss.  I find it is critical to my health to do these things.  I had gone 5 days without going to the gym until today.  It was 5 days too long. Why can't I work out at home, you ask?  Her name is EW. She is 2 years old. EW needs her own blog to share her antics. It is probably a mental thing for me, but when my other option is doing it by myself and getting a shower to boot, working out at home doesn't have the same appeal.  I could walk around the block with the kids, but we barely make it a mile, and we go so slow, I feel jipped. And no shower. I like to feel clean at least every other day.

 

I made it to the gym today, and mentally I feel so much better! There is a down side to it.  We do less of other things, like getting together with friends who have kids who take afternoon naps. Or we miss the $1 summer movie. Or we miss a homeschool group get together. I try to work around these things, but I find if I skip too many days, I mentally do not do as well. I have to boost my serotonin. I already look forward to Thursday. And Saturday.

As mothers, we drown. We drown in the everyday, the errands, the kids play dates or activities, the laundry, the house...half the year, birthdays sneak up on me (thank goodness for Target and Amazon Prime!)!  After my 3rd child, and lots and lots and lots of stress, I decided to do something for me.  You know that whole concept of compounding interest? I did that with weight with each child. Because the first 3 kids were so close together, I just added whatever was left from the last child to the new pregnancy weight gain. Most of the time, the weight didn't bother me. If you know me, my life goal has never been to be skinny. My mom was a baton twirled/cheerleader type. I was never going to live up to that, not when I was built like my dad's side of the family. Again, if you know me, I am not really the "Ra, Ra, Ra" type unless you count me rooting for my Auburn Tigers (football starts in a month!).  I probably have self image issues somewhere, but overall, I don't focus on my appearance much. Enough to take care of myself, but no drive to be the elusive "perfect."  God gave me other issues to wrestle with. But I digress.  I was feeling very tired (which has been a lifelong struggle) and knew if I wanted to reach 40 without diabetes or heart issues, I should lose some of the weight. Did I mention the stress? Yes, so the gym would probably help with that too. I met with a trainer, met with a nutritionist, lost some weight, got in a routine, and.....got pregnant.  I have been going for 4 or 5 years now. I still gained plenty of weight with EW.  It took me a very long time to lose the baby weight because she had food allergies while I was nursing, which restricted my diet significantly (of course, she couldn't be allergic to something that would help me like sugar).  Now, I have been doing it so long, I am addicted. I notice when my stress increases, I crave going to the gym. I hate exercise. So many days, I can feel the fatigue in my limbs.  I feel like I am going to pass out before, during, and after working out.  But my brain loves the serotonin boost. After awhile, I feel awake and energized and optimistic about life.  That gets pretty addictive. I will say, what I told my husband for years, no one is ever going to exercise or lose weight unless THAT PERSON wants it. Every well-meaning encouragement, every subtle comment about eating dessert....none of it will ever motivate someone to change their exercise or eating habits. I had to want it.  I had to want it so bad, I was willing to work my life around it. God gave me the grace to want it, the funds to temporarily have a trainer and visit a nutritionist to get me started, and the grace to stay committed. I haven't lost weight in 9 months, I have probably gained weight, but it isn't about a number for me. I feel physically strong and mentally healthy.  Did I mention that uninterrupted shower I get too?  And childcare for my 2 year old (aka wild child) for $40 per month?  Win-win-win-win!


Who knew 4 kids would turn me into a gym rat??

Book Review!

A situation came up for us last weekend that made me realize I have not done enough educating to those around us.  I am pretty open about LJ' s health. I can't hide it, it creeps up on us when we least expect it, and it affects him behaviorally, so I prefer people know he would help it if he could.  We are a mess. It would be an exercise in futility to pretend otherwise.  

While LJ' s siblings understand this is our normal, others do not.  And I am so bad at that. What is the etiquette for teaching other people's kids what epilepsy is? Or immune deficiency? Or autism? Half of the parents I talk to don't know what an immune deficiency is. I can barely explain what epilepsy is to my own children.  But this situation demanded I figure it out.

So I googled and browsed Amazon, and read reviews and finally decided on 2 books for kids with epilepsy.  This particular book was perfect.  It was called, "The Great Katie Kate Explains Epilepsy" by M. Maitland DeLand.  It talks about several different kinds of seizures, how it affects them (it even mentions incontinence!), what testing kids have to go through, and how it gets treated.

We finally sat down as a family tonight and read it.

Afterwards, I could almost see my son physically relax.  I told him we would share this with friends and cousins, so they would understand what he goes through more. Anyone he wanted to share it with.  I think it helped him understand what he goes through, too.  You could almost see the relief in his body language.  I have tried to explain it in the past what goes on in the brain during a seizure, but clearly my squiggly lines were not adequate education. I am so thankful people write books like these for families like mine.

Now, where to find one on immune deficiency....

The Art of Shoe Shopping

Today, while the older kids were at Backyard Bible Club (thanks to the grace of God - seriously), EW and I went shoe shopping.  She has this way of running and scooting on her bikes that tears off the toes of her shoes.

OLD

She will be 3 in September, but she is the most agile of the 4 kids. I knew last time I bought her shoes, we needed Stride Rite shoes. They have rubber on the tips that help protect it. However, for some reason they only sell them in hot pink.  EW is a ginger.

The older she gets, the worse pink looks on her. I avoid buying pink now, and even though the shoes will go on her feet, it won't match a lot of her clothes if I buy pink shoes. So in March, I bought grey Merrills (they still were lined with pink), and in 3 months, she ruined them.  This is not my first time around the block. She is the 4th kid. All of the other kids, I was able to pass down some of their shoes, and usually I can stretch tennis shoes almost 6 months.  Even her flip flops have their tips worn through. All of her boots were ruined last winter unless I held them back for special days.

So today, when presented with Stride Rite shoes, what were my options? Hot pink and hot rainbow with a lot of hot pink. So we got some seriously hot pink shoes. I hope they last. At least the turquoise matched her outfit today.  That turquoise on the tips? Yes, that will hopefully prevent holes. She tried them on, put her old shoes in the back of the stroller, then immediately got in her stroller to leave with her new shoes on. At least she knows what she wants.  I had to make her wait until I paid for the shoes.

NEW

Wild child. Love her.

Soaking Up the Blessings

After our huge dose of reality Friday morning, I started off an amazing weekend. If I could guarantee every weekend would be like this, I would look forward to it every week!

Friday night was ladies night. These are ladies who have walked through the dark days with me.  Ladies I have laughed and cried with, shared worries and paranoia and research with.  Ladies who have seen me through EVERY diagnosis of LJ.  There are insufficient words to describe what they mean to me. These are ladies handpicked by God to walk with me through this journey.  We laughed, we cried, we ate, and we shared wine. What is not to love about ladies like that?

Saturday we woke to Museum of the Waxhaws' Living History Day and gold panning with the kids.  It was a very hot day, but fun was had by all, and I slipped some homeschool history in. Win-win.

Saturday night was DATE NIGHT!  Date night is always a good reason to be excited about the weekend! We tried a new chicken place, and bought furniture for the new pad!  I felt seriously spoiled.  

Farmhouse style, I love you.

Today we had fellowship with new neighbor friends.  (They are not really new neighbors, we just had not met them until recently.)  They have 2 boys close to our kids' ages, and we found we had a lot in common. We met them at a mutual neighbors' house, and invited them over.  I wouldn't say we knew each other well enough to say they were friends before today, but now, I think we might have found some life-long friends.  

I think my favorite part about this weekend is I spent it with the people I love the most, and met new friends who might also become a part of those precious few. The precious few who you are closest to and support you, no matter what happens. The precious few who love you for who you are.  The precious few who love you as God loves you. 

Answered Prayers

I wanted to write something light today, but today was just not a "light" kind of day.  Maybe tomorrow, after we've gone to the local Museum of the Waxhaws and Living History day.  Gold panning with the kids....hopefully, that will be a great post!  I am trying to find more of those moments.
 
Today was EEG day.  This is my son's 4th EEG.  Thankfully, it was a short one.  We are making sure the seizures haven't changed, since the medicine is not fully effective yet.  By ensuring they are similar to his original ones, it helps clarify what medicines are best to treat his seizures.  I asked for a lot of prayers from friends and family.  Ten years in, and procedures are still really tough for LJ.  Blood draws are the worst, they require 3 people to hold him down (1 is myself).  His last EEG, it took the tech and I 1 1/2 hours to hold him down to get the nodes (wires as LJ calls them) on his head.  I have a lot of anxiety before procedures and labs now, and I am not an anxious person.  He has panic attacks.  The last couple of years, I have avoided them as much as I can for both our sakes.  So I asked a lot of people to pray and I got pretty honest about how miserable they are.

I struggle with praying. I have been a Christian for 30 years and I still struggle.  I struggle with unbelief.  I believe God can answer my prayers, I just don't always believe He will answer them the way I want to.  I also get confused with the whole contentment thing.  Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."


I want to be content.  In many ways, I feel like I have accepted my lot in life.  I know God can heal my son, but I also know how much He has used my son and our circumstances to glorify Him.  I know God will sometimes say "no" to my prayer.  So in trying to accept the "no", I am trying not to get my hopes up for the "yes".  I am trying to be content, but then I get discouraged.  I worry, what if He doesn't answer my prayer for the EEG to go smoothly?  So I gear myself up for holding my son down, lots of screams and tears, carrying my 10 year old son out of the hospital over my shoulder....but that's not faith, either.  So I lose myself in this circle of trying to believe God, knowing He can do it, and trying to reconcile the disappointment if He chooses not to. 

Today went amazing.  God answered prayers.  LJ had self-control, followed instructions, and was able to do it from beginning to end with little fanfare.  There were some tears and lots of "ouch" spoken, but considering our other experiences, this was a rousing success.  And it reveals my lack of faith, my unbelief, that God will answer our prayers for strength.  Maybe contentment is solely for my plenty or want, not for strength and courage.  Maybe God answers "yes" when we ask for His strength and His courage, for He has a great supply of it.  Regardless, I am so incredibly thankful.  And next time, I hope my prayers for strength and courage are full of faith and hope in a God I know can give it, that He also will give it.

 



My Refuge

"In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks."  ~ John Muir

 

 

Full disclosure: I am not really a nature girl.  I think it started with the girl and ended with the allergies. I was taking Benedryl every 4 hours by 8 years old to survive ragweed season.  The southern doctors tell me it is stronger in the North (where I grew up), which explains why I quickly shifted to all the greenery in the South (that was not in the north). Claritin did not exist, or was not approved for children, to the best of my knowledge.  August and September were not fun.  The only way for me to survive was to stay inside with windows closed, preferably air conditioning (although in Michigan, I remember open windows and fans, not AC), and a good book.   So the outdoors and I had a tenuous relationship at best. 

But then, God gave me this journey. This beautiful, hard journey of parenting. Parenting with special needs. And I learned, after years of drowning, I needed a refuge. A place that was respite from the weariness and stress and a place I could shut out the noise of the world.  We moved last year, and this (below) has become that refuge, that respite place for me.  I wasn't really planning on it, but amazingly enough, the kids do not interrupt me on the screened porch often. God and I meet in the mornings, with my coffee in hand.  It is 95 degrees out lately, so for now, it is ICED coffee.  The squirrels rustle the leaves. The birds sing.  At night, I read, or in this case, blog.  The crickets chirp. The frogs ribbit. The grasshoppers sing. And God gives me peace here. It is quiet. There is room for rawness and reflection and confession and healing.  I think that is the part John Muir was talking about above. God gives us more than we seek. I am thankful.

"Have mercy on my, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge.  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."  Psalm 57:1