Answered Prayers

I wanted to write something light today, but today was just not a "light" kind of day.  Maybe tomorrow, after we've gone to the local Museum of the Waxhaws and Living History day.  Gold panning with the kids....hopefully, that will be a great post!  I am trying to find more of those moments.
 
Today was EEG day.  This is my son's 4th EEG.  Thankfully, it was a short one.  We are making sure the seizures haven't changed, since the medicine is not fully effective yet.  By ensuring they are similar to his original ones, it helps clarify what medicines are best to treat his seizures.  I asked for a lot of prayers from friends and family.  Ten years in, and procedures are still really tough for LJ.  Blood draws are the worst, they require 3 people to hold him down (1 is myself).  His last EEG, it took the tech and I 1 1/2 hours to hold him down to get the nodes (wires as LJ calls them) on his head.  I have a lot of anxiety before procedures and labs now, and I am not an anxious person.  He has panic attacks.  The last couple of years, I have avoided them as much as I can for both our sakes.  So I asked a lot of people to pray and I got pretty honest about how miserable they are.

I struggle with praying. I have been a Christian for 30 years and I still struggle.  I struggle with unbelief.  I believe God can answer my prayers, I just don't always believe He will answer them the way I want to.  I also get confused with the whole contentment thing.  Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."


I want to be content.  In many ways, I feel like I have accepted my lot in life.  I know God can heal my son, but I also know how much He has used my son and our circumstances to glorify Him.  I know God will sometimes say "no" to my prayer.  So in trying to accept the "no", I am trying not to get my hopes up for the "yes".  I am trying to be content, but then I get discouraged.  I worry, what if He doesn't answer my prayer for the EEG to go smoothly?  So I gear myself up for holding my son down, lots of screams and tears, carrying my 10 year old son out of the hospital over my shoulder....but that's not faith, either.  So I lose myself in this circle of trying to believe God, knowing He can do it, and trying to reconcile the disappointment if He chooses not to. 

Today went amazing.  God answered prayers.  LJ had self-control, followed instructions, and was able to do it from beginning to end with little fanfare.  There were some tears and lots of "ouch" spoken, but considering our other experiences, this was a rousing success.  And it reveals my lack of faith, my unbelief, that God will answer our prayers for strength.  Maybe contentment is solely for my plenty or want, not for strength and courage.  Maybe God answers "yes" when we ask for His strength and His courage, for He has a great supply of it.  Regardless, I am so incredibly thankful.  And next time, I hope my prayers for strength and courage are full of faith and hope in a God I know can give it, that He also will give it.