Toilet Training

I am SUPER excited that LJ is doing so well with potty training. I realize he's 3 and a half and beyond ready, but huge pregnant and with a newborn, I just wasn't ready. It has been amazing. Tim had a four day weekend, and we agreed we were not going to do anything but potty train LJ. So yesterday we started asking him a million times, he tells us yes when he has to go, we take him, he goes, he gets M&Ms. After all the bad stories (though I've heard great ones too), I think waiting longer was the way to go with LJ. I really did not expect it to be this easy. And I really did not expect to be so proud that my child is wearing underwear! :)

You know, I've learned as a mother to appreciate the simple things and have the lowest of expectations. If this is all I've accomplished this week, it is enough! God is good!

Heartbroken

This economic crisis is leaving me heartbroken. I am beginning to have good friends and family affected by it. What was the exception is becoming commonplace. My husband and I had a talk last night and what it boiled down to was, we would house friends or family if they needed it. The irony of it to me was instead of feeling overwhelmed about it or a little afraid of having people invade our home, I felt fulfilled by it. The idea of a crisis creating community at a new level makes me excited despite it coming from loss. And at the same time, I fear for the hard decisions friends and family will have to make or are making. It has reached a new level of reality when you see their struggles. I don't want them to be discouraged or fearful. I don't want them to walk through this. I want it to all get better just as they do. But in the last few days, I think I am beginning to wonder if we are in a 10 year recovery process. If things will get severely worse in 2009 to the point we have not seen since 1929. If friends and family (and us?) will be without jobs or homes or sharing homes and provisions for the next 3-5 years. Our generation hasn't even come close to seeing anything like this. Dad has 2-3 patients a day coming in and telling him about their job loss for the first time in 35 years. Our culture has created this bubble that gave us this false sense of security, and now it has broken. I wonder how our generation will recover. I don't worry so much about the financial damage - someday, our culture will recover from that. In the end, it's just money. But I wonder how we will recover emotionally and mentally. We weren't prepared. Most did not see it coming (and I'm not talking in specifics here, just our culture/generation in general). They believed the lies of the world that the money and opportunities would always be there. And now that is quickly disappearing or has disappeared, they are or will be devastated. We trusted in our culture to save us instead of God, and now we, like Israel, are going to have to trust in God to get through this.

Thankfully, he watches over us even more than the lilies of the field and the birds of the air....He gave manna from the sky to Israel....how much more will He provide for us. Our family is praying for all of you.

Behind in the New Year

Is it February? Is March almost here? Those first few months of having a newborn go by in a blur for me. Suddenly it's almost 3 months later, and I feel like I've been hibernating for winter and sticking my head out of the cave looking for spring. I miss those quiet moments first thing in the morning of last summer. I miss my quiet reflection with the Lord each morning. Now I wake up to my infant crying for food, and my 3 year old asking me a million things. I miss having moments of peace, moments to sit down and just enjoy the moment. If I'm not doing something, I'm anticipating having to do something, or I should be taking advantage of the 20 minutes I'm not taking care of 3 children. Doing what? Oh, the 3 month list of things to do. Spending time with God (very hard to focus on when having a 3 month list of things to do). Calling a friend. Doing my part-time work (it's really sad that I am at the point I almost forget I have that). Oh, and then my husband asks why the dining room table is a disaster. Or if I can talk to him. Is it sad that I really just want to run and hide from him? It's 8:30pm, and I haven't had a quiet moment all day to myself. Honey, can I talk to you in about 2 hours when I've had some time to myself and maybe accomplished something other than fixing meals and cleaning JD's chair for the zillionth time?

I try to keep reminding myself that as EK gets a little older and nurses a little less often, the quiet moments will come a little easier. But then I look at her on her floor mat with hanging giraffe and monkey and her happy little eyes, and think - really? How can I not sit beside her while she's awake even if the boys are napping? I don't understand how it happened so fast. One day, she was only eating and sleeping; now, she eats, then smiles in contentment, looks at you with her bright blue eyes and they crinkle as she realizes I'm mommy. She looks at the animals with wonder already! She draws me in and charms me, yet she's still so little and innocent.

I am so thankful for these 3 sweet little kids. I wonder, though, how I need God so much more in the minutes of my life and yet have even less time to seek Him (much less mental capacity too!) than I have at other stages of life. I yearn for His peace and wisdom, yet have so little chance to find it so I can lean on it. I guess that is when I have to rely on that groaning of the Holy Spirit. :)

There are moments there is so much to do that I feel a little lost. Not in a bad way, just at a loss for where to even start. Days go by before I remember that I left off somewhere, and yet I can't remember where it was that I left off at! I have to say, time with friends and family is so much more precious now. I cherish the moments I get with them in the midst of the chaos of three children (why do I feel like they are always eating?).

Sorry for the rambling - I think it's a little of the part of feeling lost. I am enjoying my life to the fullest, but to have it so disorganized leaves me a little baffled. And again, none of this is leaving me depressed or too overwhelmed. I'm just kind of working through this life and figuring out where I should be in the next moment.

Thank you for walking with me down this ever-changing road.

No Regrets

I am getting bored. Many friends are sick or are recovering and cannot come over for play groups. I cannot pick JD up for 3 more weeks, therefore I cannot get him in my car (he sits down if you try to walk him where you want him to go) and go anywhere. And even if I could, I would either have no room in the grocery cart for all 3 kids and groceries, or be able to get JD in the cart, or be able to carry EK in a sling while pushing a cart (with C-sections you can't lift or carry or push anything greater than 10 lbs or your child for 6 weeks, mine of which is probably greater than 10 lbs now; I honor this to enable me the likelihood of being able to bear more children). LJ is getting bored. He has never been more mean to his brother or more selfish and disrespectful, and he has spent the last month going in time outs. JD is getting bored of his toys. Now, Christmas has been a wonderful diversion on one hand, providing them with all sorts of new toys. On the other hand, it has made LJ ever more selfish. I'm sure some of the selfishness and meanness are acting out of having baby at home now, adding to the taking away of Mommy, which never sits well with LJ. But I am thankful. I wouldn't trade any of my children for anything, and I adore EK, despite the disruption LJ and JD so obviously feel. JD, though, does adore her - he loves holding her (with my assistance), hugging her, patting her, touching her head, and grins the whole time he's doing it. LJ, as always, I have to create involvement with him and her.

So what was my point in my ramblings, I wonder? I think it was, I can't wait to get back to feeling myself and being able to handle JD better. Once I can handle him better, and EK sleeps a little longer at night, life can resume back to a little routine. It's amazing how much I enjoy my 20-30 minute escapes to Target by myself right now, if only to get out of my 4 walls. And I look forward to resuming play groups.

So while I wait, I have several new books to read. A friend gave me a great book that seems very Mark Twain-ish so far. It makes me laugh, the small town vignettes, as they are still similar to my childhood days in Michigan, when everyone knew everyone else's business. I got another Elisabeth Elliott book - "God's Guidance: A Soft and Certain Light" (I think the original copy was called just "A Soft and Certain Light"), and it has a study guide with it. As I read it, I think so much of our generation's struggle to know what their purpose in life is, and what God's will is, and how great of a Bible study this would make. Maybe I will bring it up at my church (again, once Emma is sleeping at night more) - I can't wait! Her wisdom is God-given, and continues to be a source of encouragement to me, as it reminds me of all of the truths I know in Scripture and believe in, and helps me regain footing on solid ground.

The third book (or really, series) is the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer. I have to say, I really don't like vampire stories of any kind. Vampires creep me out. Spiders, snakes, superheros & villians I can handle - vampires, that is my creepy creature I avoid. Brad Pitt in "Interview with a Vampire"? I don't care how good looking he is, I couldn't handle more than 5 minutes! Ugh. So when I was at the beach with my college girlfriends this summer, one of them was reading it, especially since her job has her around a lot of teenage girls, with whom this book is hugely popular. While I was curious, all I had to know was "vampires" and I'm like, "no, thank you!" But I am finding with not having to pack up diaper bags all the time for going places, having my husband and mom help with the boys & fixing them meals (then they, being OCD as they are, cleaning up as well, so much faster than I usually do), not actually spending any time out of the house (as much to protect Emma from getting sick, as the challenge of me getting out with the kids, and the burden it is on Tim or mom to help get them all in & out of the car everywhere), I was finding myself bored with TV and needing something else to do. So I was at Target, searched their book section, and finally decided on trying out the first book "Twilight". I got home and got hooked! Being on the NY Times bestseller list, I am sometimes wary of popular books for too much language or sex; while I can appreciate good literature, I generally do not enjoy a lot of either in my book reading choices and end up reading a lot of Christian fiction (and enduring my fair share of cheesiness and cliche and poor writing many times). However, that is just an assumption I make, and it could very well be very wrong. I was pleasantly surprised that her books, though, are completely clean (so far anyway, I've only read the first 2). And they focus more on the heroine's relationships much more than the vampire stuff - it's not blood & gore like Interview with a Vampire seemed to me. Anyway, it seems funny to me that I'm reading this series, but it's a good change from what little is on in the afternoons on tv, but is probably bad for me, as I'm not taking naps as I should!

Well, time is up - time to feed EK...again. :)

A New Life

Blessing upon blessing! I love being a mother of 3. My favorite moment after meeting our new baby girl was having her and both boys crowded on my hospital bed. I don't know why I have always wanted a big family. I guess partly because it was just my brother and me growing up, and being opposite sex, my mom had to time us to get us to play together (I didn't want to play GI Joe, Mike didn't want to play with Barbie dolls). We lived in a small, rural town, and unless my mom felt like carting us to friends' homes, we just hung out at home; I remember being bored a lot. Anyway, for whatever reason or maybe just because it's part of God's calling on Tim & I's lives, we have wanted a relatively big family.

And I love having a girl. I see why it's so fun to dress her up. She craves having her brothers within hearing distance and likes being held at all times (of course!). I love the baby phase, even the late sleepless nights (you know, while I don't have the responsibility to get the boys dressed in the mornings until this Monday). I do wish my babies weren't so big, so I could enjoy them being little longer (it only takes a few weeks to go from newborn to 3 months clothes), but can't discount the thankfulness I have that they are healthy.

I guess other than fully enjoying my whole family being home this week together, there is not much news. While my husband is counting the hours until he gets to go back to work after mediating the boys all week, I am dreading him leaving me so soon! I am thankful to be past the first several days of pain, though, and our little girl figuring out the whole eating thing; I think we're getting settled - slowly - into a routine with her feeding, and a mother always feels a little more normal when that happens. :)

Countdown

I am getting really excited. I don't know if it's because I finally know exactly how my delivery will go (planned C-section) and that I know recovery will definitely be better than it was with LJ. Or if it's because I have 2 other delightful boys who make me laugh despite all of their sassiness lately and I look forward to more intimate family funny moments. Or if after 9 months of carrying her in my belly, I am longing to just hold her and feed her and see her. In any case, one of my problems with a scheduled delivery is, it's like leaving for a trip. You get so excited, you can't sleep. Now, on a trip, where usually my husband does the driving or I can at least have a Starbucks, it doesn't really matter if I get sleep the night or 2 before. However, as most of you know, you prefer being well rested before having a newborn to take care of - especially if your body is also recovering from surgery at the same time. I just don't know, though, if I will be able to sleep tonight or tomorrow night! Some things are just too fun to think about! :)

Note to Self: Cranky parents lead to cranky children

Whew! What a day. Is it possible for everyone in the family to be tired, cranky and whiny? This is one of those days you wish you could just start over. No one has anything nice to say. LJ is cranky because his parents woke up late and he knows his parents are tired and cranky. JD is cranky because his parents are too tired to keep up with his hefty appetite by getting up 5 times to get him something else to eat or drink and he has been cooped up in a car all morning running errands. Husband is cranky because he worked 7 days in a row, is sleep deprived, and worked at the hospital all of Thanksgiving weekend. No one in the family gives any sympathy to the mother who is delivering child 3 in 3 days; no, they whine, criticize, and fight over the grilled cheese she made for HERSELF for lunch (literally, all 3 boys were). Instead, she leaves to take a nap and told them to "duke it out" while she goes hungry. She especially loves how her husband seems to think the problem is all her. Or LJ. As if he were not tired and cranky and critical at all. As if she had not spent the first 2 hours of the day letting him sleep in and have time to himself while she got the kids up despite her own fatigue.

So, needless to say, we will be eating a frozen dinner and going to bed early tonight. If we don't answer our phone tonight, you'll know we're sleeping. :)