Behind in the New Year

Is it February? Is March almost here? Those first few months of having a newborn go by in a blur for me. Suddenly it's almost 3 months later, and I feel like I've been hibernating for winter and sticking my head out of the cave looking for spring. I miss those quiet moments first thing in the morning of last summer. I miss my quiet reflection with the Lord each morning. Now I wake up to my infant crying for food, and my 3 year old asking me a million things. I miss having moments of peace, moments to sit down and just enjoy the moment. If I'm not doing something, I'm anticipating having to do something, or I should be taking advantage of the 20 minutes I'm not taking care of 3 children. Doing what? Oh, the 3 month list of things to do. Spending time with God (very hard to focus on when having a 3 month list of things to do). Calling a friend. Doing my part-time work (it's really sad that I am at the point I almost forget I have that). Oh, and then my husband asks why the dining room table is a disaster. Or if I can talk to him. Is it sad that I really just want to run and hide from him? It's 8:30pm, and I haven't had a quiet moment all day to myself. Honey, can I talk to you in about 2 hours when I've had some time to myself and maybe accomplished something other than fixing meals and cleaning JD's chair for the zillionth time?

I try to keep reminding myself that as EK gets a little older and nurses a little less often, the quiet moments will come a little easier. But then I look at her on her floor mat with hanging giraffe and monkey and her happy little eyes, and think - really? How can I not sit beside her while she's awake even if the boys are napping? I don't understand how it happened so fast. One day, she was only eating and sleeping; now, she eats, then smiles in contentment, looks at you with her bright blue eyes and they crinkle as she realizes I'm mommy. She looks at the animals with wonder already! She draws me in and charms me, yet she's still so little and innocent.

I am so thankful for these 3 sweet little kids. I wonder, though, how I need God so much more in the minutes of my life and yet have even less time to seek Him (much less mental capacity too!) than I have at other stages of life. I yearn for His peace and wisdom, yet have so little chance to find it so I can lean on it. I guess that is when I have to rely on that groaning of the Holy Spirit. :)

There are moments there is so much to do that I feel a little lost. Not in a bad way, just at a loss for where to even start. Days go by before I remember that I left off somewhere, and yet I can't remember where it was that I left off at! I have to say, time with friends and family is so much more precious now. I cherish the moments I get with them in the midst of the chaos of three children (why do I feel like they are always eating?).

Sorry for the rambling - I think it's a little of the part of feeling lost. I am enjoying my life to the fullest, but to have it so disorganized leaves me a little baffled. And again, none of this is leaving me depressed or too overwhelmed. I'm just kind of working through this life and figuring out where I should be in the next moment.

Thank you for walking with me down this ever-changing road.