I am dealing with relationships right now. I am tired of being guilted into things. I am tired of having people attempt to manipulate me. I am tired of feeling like I have to defend myself. God has brought me a little of the way, in that I used to allow others to guilt me into things, to manipulate me, and I would defend myself. Now, I am better at staying put, being content, and doing what I feel is right for myself and for my family. I remind myself that after my first love to God, my next responsibility is to be a godly wife and mother and make decisions that coincide with that ("Blessed is one day in His courts than thousands elsewhere" - Psalms). But that does not seem to lessen my frustration with some of my relationships.
On the other hand, I have some beautiful relationships, and maybe that is what makes the difference so stark now. I have some beautiful friendships that encourage me, listen to me, build me up, help me pursue my walk with God, and are just a continuous blessing to me. I feel very blessed when I think of my many special friends that are like that. And I have to say, they are definitely the majority (thank you Jesus). What is the saying, one bad apple spoils the lot? I think I realized recently that sometimes it is that one bad apple (whether person or circumstance) that steals our joy. How do I prevent people or things from stealing my joy? My joy should be in Christ regardless. But then, there are moments I feel Satan using it to step in my life and steal my joy. Kind of like Job, when God allowed Satan to step into Job's life and take everything precious to him.
Of course, when I look back a year ago, I couldn't have said how you experience joy. I allowed my expectations of myself and others' expectations of me to dictate much of how I felt. As God has released me of these burdens and revealed to me how to live in His grace, I have experienced more joy in the last 6 months than probably my whole life. So I am very begrudging when I feel my joy being stolen from me against my will, against what I can control.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me," was King David's cry in the Psalms. May I listen to His calling to continue to love others and consider them better than myself (Phil 2) - it is so hard sometimes. My joy is not in earthly things, so I must continue to "seek first His kingdom, and all things things shall be added unto you..."
I know I ramble a lot, but hopefully this is an example of my struggles, and how God draws me to Himself again through the Holy Spirit. I don't listen any better than you, but His Word and His Spirit do remind me of Who He is and His Truth in my life, whether I feel like listening or not. I'm still trying to open my ears to hear today, and these are the thoughts/ramblings He gives me as I seek His face in the midst of my broken heart. I'm so thankful we will be restored in Heaven - what a blessed day that will be!
"If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next." Elisabeth Elliott
Monday, July 28, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A Quiet Heart
I have been reading Elisabeth Elliott's book "A Quiet Heart". It is a collection of her writings that end up being great for a devotional. I read several each day, and I feel like they ground me again in God's Word and Truth. Her words pour over me as God's grace and comfort and give me strength each day to go out and be content in spirit with my children and my life. Here's an example.
In her introduction, she had written a prayer in college:
"Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand,
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by Thy hand."
In her first writing, she talks about how Jesus trusted God the Father - how he could sleep through the storm on the sea, how he could eat with and wash the feet of the disciple who denied him and the disciple who betrayed him. It convicts me that when I am hurt or betrayed, I can barely spend time with that person, much less wash their feet, be content, be quiet of spirit and heart. But then she reminds us what is important:
"Purity of heart, said Kierkegaard, is to will one thing. The Son willed only one thing: the will of His Father. That's what He came to earth to do. Nothing else. One whose aim is as pure as that can have a completely quiet heart, knowing what the psalmist knew: "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5). I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things which happen to us which do not belong to our lovingly assigned "portion" ("This belongs to it, that does not")? Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty?
"Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter.
"What do we really want in life?....is there one thing above all others....? "One thing have I desired of the Lord," said David, "this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life..." (Psalm 27:4).
"A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace."
Of course, it's much more cohesive in the writing/chapter. But her main point is our willing acceptance of our portion, our contentment in what God gives. I love the contemporary song that says, "Blessed be the Lord, who gives and takes away," as it reminds us to be content as God wills it. That He is control of all of it....He just asks us to trust and obey. Sometimes trusting God despite our circumstances seems foolishness to the world, but it is wisdom to God. It is trusting in His strength, not our own. I have not always been here, but as He has taught me and held me and given me wisdom with raising LJ, I have learned to take each day one day at a time, and lean in His grace for today. All the judgment or expectations from the world, from myself, from others just falls away as I lean on His wisdom and grace to teach me what He wants from me today.
In her introduction, she had written a prayer in college:
"Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand,
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by Thy hand."
In her first writing, she talks about how Jesus trusted God the Father - how he could sleep through the storm on the sea, how he could eat with and wash the feet of the disciple who denied him and the disciple who betrayed him. It convicts me that when I am hurt or betrayed, I can barely spend time with that person, much less wash their feet, be content, be quiet of spirit and heart. But then she reminds us what is important:
"Purity of heart, said Kierkegaard, is to will one thing. The Son willed only one thing: the will of His Father. That's what He came to earth to do. Nothing else. One whose aim is as pure as that can have a completely quiet heart, knowing what the psalmist knew: "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5). I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things which happen to us which do not belong to our lovingly assigned "portion" ("This belongs to it, that does not")? Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty?
"Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter.
"What do we really want in life?....is there one thing above all others....? "One thing have I desired of the Lord," said David, "this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life..." (Psalm 27:4).
"A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace."
Of course, it's much more cohesive in the writing/chapter. But her main point is our willing acceptance of our portion, our contentment in what God gives. I love the contemporary song that says, "Blessed be the Lord, who gives and takes away," as it reminds us to be content as God wills it. That He is control of all of it....He just asks us to trust and obey. Sometimes trusting God despite our circumstances seems foolishness to the world, but it is wisdom to God. It is trusting in His strength, not our own. I have not always been here, but as He has taught me and held me and given me wisdom with raising LJ, I have learned to take each day one day at a time, and lean in His grace for today. All the judgment or expectations from the world, from myself, from others just falls away as I lean on His wisdom and grace to teach me what He wants from me today.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Catching up....Again
Well, for those that don't know yet - it's a girl! We are so excited, although I think I'm more excited about having a 3rd child than whether it's a boy or girl. I think I feel weird for being excited about it. Many give me more the impression of, Are you CRAZY? and Have you lost your mind?? than excited. My friends with 6 kids (or 4+ at the least) are beyond excited for me, which reveals to me how God makes us all SO differently. And that's okay. I have friends at every spectrum of life, and I think what God wants most from us is contentment - whether we don't have any kids or whether we have 10 - that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, because that is where He has put us for today.
I am missing blogging a little bit. But for the most part, I have been too busy to miss it. I barely have time to check my email right now, and I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of it is that all the kids are out of school, so while we are all juggling vacation schedules, suddenly I have more play date options than I know what to do with (not that my phone is ringing off the hook, but I know I can call people when I have time). Part of it is planning a birthday party. Okay, I am planning ONE birthday party for TWO boys, that really was meant to be very simple, and basically split down the middle for them. I still ended up trapsing all over town looking for cake or cupcake train decorations that do not exist in Charlotte except thru online resources. So good ol' Harris Teeter (our grocery store) is doing it for me. This week, I greatly envied those with creative talent, especially in the drawing department. What I wouldn't do to be able to create a train on a homemade cake with lifesavers or frosting. Believe me, if I tried, it would be unrecognizable. I am one of those people that need to tell me what pieces go where and give me a box kit with directions. I know my boys don't expect much; it's really protecting myself and making sure I don't have an emotional breakdown from the effort of creating a train from scratch for a cake.
What else? I had a BEAUTIFUL weekend with my college girlfriends in Pensacola last weekend. 3 days with kindred spirits, many of whom I lived with for 9 months one year or another, talking, laughing, eating - what else do women do? Without husbands, children, distractions. My favorite part (other than being with them)...? Not dealing with breakfast & diapers & getting dressed first thing in the morning with the kids. I am not a morning person, and I do not miss that part at ALL on vacation. Once we get past b'fast, I'm usually good to go. It's that they need EVERYTHING right at first. But back to the weekend...we had 10 out of the 12 or 13 of us. We have all been roommates with each other at some point - not that I've roomed with all 12 of them, but that I have roomed with 8 of them I think in my 4 years at Auburn. We agreed that living together creates a whole other bonding that you can't recreate (my husband has been baffled at how close I am to them despite the distances and time lapses). I am so encouraged every time we meet how God continues to work in each of their lives, molding them, maturing them, and challenging them. He reminds me that I am not alone in my ideals and values, and that I can go forth in confidence. They are living proof of the pressing on towards the goal. I pray that He continues to walk beside them, and they continue to hear His voice.
Tonight, I went to a Bible study with my church for the 2nd time. It has been a week of reminding me how God created us for relationships, first because of His relationship with us, or the one He desires to have with us; second, because He also created us to be in relationship with each other (hence, making Eve for Adam). God encourages us through His Word (the Bible), through prayer, and through each other. Many times, I am surprised at how He encourages me through a person I don't expect. And I have learned as a new(er) parent, how vital it is that we encourage each other as mothers (of course, I learned the encouragement for wives back when I first got married - yeesh! I needed a lot of encouragement then too). I am thankful for the church, the body of believers who hold me up, but also for my friends who encourage me because God is using them to show me His constant grace.
My weekend on central time is keeping me up; it is bedtime, else we will miss our last OT session (Lord willing!) for LJ. God is so good!
I am missing blogging a little bit. But for the most part, I have been too busy to miss it. I barely have time to check my email right now, and I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of it is that all the kids are out of school, so while we are all juggling vacation schedules, suddenly I have more play date options than I know what to do with (not that my phone is ringing off the hook, but I know I can call people when I have time). Part of it is planning a birthday party. Okay, I am planning ONE birthday party for TWO boys, that really was meant to be very simple, and basically split down the middle for them. I still ended up trapsing all over town looking for cake or cupcake train decorations that do not exist in Charlotte except thru online resources. So good ol' Harris Teeter (our grocery store) is doing it for me. This week, I greatly envied those with creative talent, especially in the drawing department. What I wouldn't do to be able to create a train on a homemade cake with lifesavers or frosting. Believe me, if I tried, it would be unrecognizable. I am one of those people that need to tell me what pieces go where and give me a box kit with directions. I know my boys don't expect much; it's really protecting myself and making sure I don't have an emotional breakdown from the effort of creating a train from scratch for a cake.
What else? I had a BEAUTIFUL weekend with my college girlfriends in Pensacola last weekend. 3 days with kindred spirits, many of whom I lived with for 9 months one year or another, talking, laughing, eating - what else do women do? Without husbands, children, distractions. My favorite part (other than being with them)...? Not dealing with breakfast & diapers & getting dressed first thing in the morning with the kids. I am not a morning person, and I do not miss that part at ALL on vacation. Once we get past b'fast, I'm usually good to go. It's that they need EVERYTHING right at first. But back to the weekend...we had 10 out of the 12 or 13 of us. We have all been roommates with each other at some point - not that I've roomed with all 12 of them, but that I have roomed with 8 of them I think in my 4 years at Auburn. We agreed that living together creates a whole other bonding that you can't recreate (my husband has been baffled at how close I am to them despite the distances and time lapses). I am so encouraged every time we meet how God continues to work in each of their lives, molding them, maturing them, and challenging them. He reminds me that I am not alone in my ideals and values, and that I can go forth in confidence. They are living proof of the pressing on towards the goal. I pray that He continues to walk beside them, and they continue to hear His voice.
Tonight, I went to a Bible study with my church for the 2nd time. It has been a week of reminding me how God created us for relationships, first because of His relationship with us, or the one He desires to have with us; second, because He also created us to be in relationship with each other (hence, making Eve for Adam). God encourages us through His Word (the Bible), through prayer, and through each other. Many times, I am surprised at how He encourages me through a person I don't expect. And I have learned as a new(er) parent, how vital it is that we encourage each other as mothers (of course, I learned the encouragement for wives back when I first got married - yeesh! I needed a lot of encouragement then too). I am thankful for the church, the body of believers who hold me up, but also for my friends who encourage me because God is using them to show me His constant grace.
My weekend on central time is keeping me up; it is bedtime, else we will miss our last OT session (Lord willing!) for LJ. God is so good!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Catching Up
Whew! I have thought of lots of blogs to write, but absolutely no time to write them with. About 9:30-10pm I'm laying in bed, thinking of all of the great, eloquent things I want to write, and by morning have no clue what they are. By nap time, all I can think about is I've done no shopping or planning for the boys' birthday party in 3 weeks, and shopping for paint, bunk beds, etc is right around the corner if I have any hope of getting the boys settled in their room together before the next baby comes. Amazingly, I'm unpacked faster than ever from our trip (thank you, dear husband), and now I just have to keep up with the other million things to do.
Our trip was great - LJ didn't stop playing the whole week - pushed the blue truck outside, played in the sand, wondered who turned off the water when the tide went out, made lots of sand castles, found out what hermit crabs were, and slept like a champ until the sun came up at 5 am. The ride back was a little tricky, as LJ and JD were both exhausted, but they had a blast jumping on the beds in the hotel room. And really, for almost 3 years and 1 yr old, I couldn't have asked for a better trip. I think the key to a contented parent is low expectations - ha! :)
The past week or so, this new little one has been growing a lot; I think (s)he is telling me I need to take a nap today. Maybe I'll be able to blog more soon. We find out girl or boy a week from today!
Our trip was great - LJ didn't stop playing the whole week - pushed the blue truck outside, played in the sand, wondered who turned off the water when the tide went out, made lots of sand castles, found out what hermit crabs were, and slept like a champ until the sun came up at 5 am. The ride back was a little tricky, as LJ and JD were both exhausted, but they had a blast jumping on the beds in the hotel room. And really, for almost 3 years and 1 yr old, I couldn't have asked for a better trip. I think the key to a contented parent is low expectations - ha! :)
The past week or so, this new little one has been growing a lot; I think (s)he is telling me I need to take a nap today. Maybe I'll be able to blog more soon. We find out girl or boy a week from today!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
JD's Birthday
Today is JD's birthday. We are celebrating the boys' birthdays in July this year with a combined party (LJ's is actually in August) for 2 reasons: 1) it's a lot easier (& cheaper) to plan 1 party than 2, and 2) LJ won't be jealous of just JD getting presents. So tonight, we're going out to eat at a family-friendly restaurant and for ice cream afterwards. LJ has already requested chocolate ice cream. And he thinks there should be cake, too. I am not making a cake 2 days before our trip! So we may have to find a cupcake somewhere; I think he has his mother's sweet tooth.
JD is probably the most cheerful, laidback child I have ever seen. LJ was like this until 18 months, so I keep reminding myself it's short term. Because JD DOES have a little temper. Today, LJ was sharing his "LUCAS"-lettered train with JD and gave him the yellow "U". Well, I would have thought JD didn't care which color or letter he got. Nope - he wanted the ORANGE "A", and he let all of us know!! He was so mad, it made me laugh. Sure enough, when LJ gave him the "A", he settled right back down.
I have to laugh at how opinionated and determined both of my boys are. For one, they got it from both of their parents. There is not much about Tim or myself that is low key, and Tim is even more Type A than I am. But I am so thankful that they show strong personalities, because I really believe for them to be good leaders, husbands, MEN, they need some of that. Many of my girlfriends are unmarried, and even Tim says it's because they are not enough men out there who are confident, know what they want, and go for it - they'd rather just go with the flow. But back to the boys, I relish that they already have opinions, and perseverence, and determination - I hope and pray they will always have that, and they will use it for the Lord.
So we leave for our trip in 2 days. 2 day drive up, 2 day drive back. About 5 days in-between. It may be a little crazy, but I'm so excited! I love road trips, and I think the boys will do really well; at least, LJ will. JD may get a little stir crazy (you know, the crawlers can't get around as much on the breaks). I can't wait to see my grandparents, and just hang out with the whole family. My cousin's wife is giving birth today (on JD's 1 year birthday!), so I hope we either get to meet the little one, or we don't completely miss the whole Boston clan of the Maugels as they visit with the first Brent Maugel grandchild! I haven't seen my brother since Christmas, so that will be fun to see him & his wife too; see all of their pictures of their new house, and what they've done to it.
Well, lots of packing to do! Or else we may start tripping over all of the clothes on the floor.
JD is probably the most cheerful, laidback child I have ever seen. LJ was like this until 18 months, so I keep reminding myself it's short term. Because JD DOES have a little temper. Today, LJ was sharing his "LUCAS"-lettered train with JD and gave him the yellow "U". Well, I would have thought JD didn't care which color or letter he got. Nope - he wanted the ORANGE "A", and he let all of us know!! He was so mad, it made me laugh. Sure enough, when LJ gave him the "A", he settled right back down.
I have to laugh at how opinionated and determined both of my boys are. For one, they got it from both of their parents. There is not much about Tim or myself that is low key, and Tim is even more Type A than I am. But I am so thankful that they show strong personalities, because I really believe for them to be good leaders, husbands, MEN, they need some of that. Many of my girlfriends are unmarried, and even Tim says it's because they are not enough men out there who are confident, know what they want, and go for it - they'd rather just go with the flow. But back to the boys, I relish that they already have opinions, and perseverence, and determination - I hope and pray they will always have that, and they will use it for the Lord.
So we leave for our trip in 2 days. 2 day drive up, 2 day drive back. About 5 days in-between. It may be a little crazy, but I'm so excited! I love road trips, and I think the boys will do really well; at least, LJ will. JD may get a little stir crazy (you know, the crawlers can't get around as much on the breaks). I can't wait to see my grandparents, and just hang out with the whole family. My cousin's wife is giving birth today (on JD's 1 year birthday!), so I hope we either get to meet the little one, or we don't completely miss the whole Boston clan of the Maugels as they visit with the first Brent Maugel grandchild! I haven't seen my brother since Christmas, so that will be fun to see him & his wife too; see all of their pictures of their new house, and what they've done to it.
Well, lots of packing to do! Or else we may start tripping over all of the clothes on the floor.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
New face
I visited a blog earlier today and got inspired to change mine. This is in honor of our Cape Cod trip in 2 weeks. My uncle owns a house up there, and we are renting another to have my family reunion up there this year. Tim & I have never been to the northeast, and we are so excited! I am not excited we do not get to go together as a family, but that's a long and frustrating story; mostly, it has to do with the circumstances of his job. We had hoped to visit Boston while there, as Tim loves historical towns, but we will probably not make it this trip. I have not started much planning (you know, like all the planning I haven't done for Tim's birthday next week), so one of these days I'm going to have to start figuring out how to pack for me and the boys and fit my parents' luggage in too. And toys. And snacks. Yikes!
Okay, enough blogging for 2 days. I'm avoiding my grocery shopping and planning that I have to do. Can you tell??
Okay, enough blogging for 2 days. I'm avoiding my grocery shopping and planning that I have to do. Can you tell??
Playing together
Okay, so how do you get the siblings to play together? I'm assuming right now that one day it just happens. As it is, JD climbs on LJ. LJ tries to get away. If unsuccessful, LJ pushes JD. Thankfully, LJ hasn't actually harmed JD, but of course it's upsetting to JD. JD just wants to play with his big brother. LJ doesn't want JD to touch anything of his, which is, you know, everything. I cannot wait till JD can walk! I'm hoping that improves JD's sense of playing with LJ. I get tired of trying to balance LJ's right and need to have SOME space to himself (and I'm not meaning a lot of time here) as he continues to adjust to this younger brother, and yet communicate to LJ at the same time that he will always have to share his stuff and play with JD even though he doesn't have to do it all day. I know the struggle will always be there. Siblings alternately love to play together and get tired of playing together. I have a brother. My mom used to have to time me playing boy stuff with him, and him playing girl stuff with me. It's also kind of funny because LJ needs some personal space. Often, he doesn't want me touching him; it's part of his sensory stuff. And JD has NO sense of personal space. He is constantly climbing on ALL of us all of the time! JD craves touch. LJ often runs from touch. There are days I am just stumped on what to think of it all. :)
So if anyone has any wisdom on the matter, feel free to share. I think God definitely created JD opposite to hopefully help let LJ know that touch is okay and welcome and not scary. But for now, it leaves me scratching my head in wonder!
So if anyone has any wisdom on the matter, feel free to share. I think God definitely created JD opposite to hopefully help let LJ know that touch is okay and welcome and not scary. But for now, it leaves me scratching my head in wonder!
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