Behind in the New Year

Is it February? Is March almost here? Those first few months of having a newborn go by in a blur for me. Suddenly it's almost 3 months later, and I feel like I've been hibernating for winter and sticking my head out of the cave looking for spring. I miss those quiet moments first thing in the morning of last summer. I miss my quiet reflection with the Lord each morning. Now I wake up to my infant crying for food, and my 3 year old asking me a million things. I miss having moments of peace, moments to sit down and just enjoy the moment. If I'm not doing something, I'm anticipating having to do something, or I should be taking advantage of the 20 minutes I'm not taking care of 3 children. Doing what? Oh, the 3 month list of things to do. Spending time with God (very hard to focus on when having a 3 month list of things to do). Calling a friend. Doing my part-time work (it's really sad that I am at the point I almost forget I have that). Oh, and then my husband asks why the dining room table is a disaster. Or if I can talk to him. Is it sad that I really just want to run and hide from him? It's 8:30pm, and I haven't had a quiet moment all day to myself. Honey, can I talk to you in about 2 hours when I've had some time to myself and maybe accomplished something other than fixing meals and cleaning JD's chair for the zillionth time?

I try to keep reminding myself that as EK gets a little older and nurses a little less often, the quiet moments will come a little easier. But then I look at her on her floor mat with hanging giraffe and monkey and her happy little eyes, and think - really? How can I not sit beside her while she's awake even if the boys are napping? I don't understand how it happened so fast. One day, she was only eating and sleeping; now, she eats, then smiles in contentment, looks at you with her bright blue eyes and they crinkle as she realizes I'm mommy. She looks at the animals with wonder already! She draws me in and charms me, yet she's still so little and innocent.

I am so thankful for these 3 sweet little kids. I wonder, though, how I need God so much more in the minutes of my life and yet have even less time to seek Him (much less mental capacity too!) than I have at other stages of life. I yearn for His peace and wisdom, yet have so little chance to find it so I can lean on it. I guess that is when I have to rely on that groaning of the Holy Spirit. :)

There are moments there is so much to do that I feel a little lost. Not in a bad way, just at a loss for where to even start. Days go by before I remember that I left off somewhere, and yet I can't remember where it was that I left off at! I have to say, time with friends and family is so much more precious now. I cherish the moments I get with them in the midst of the chaos of three children (why do I feel like they are always eating?).

Sorry for the rambling - I think it's a little of the part of feeling lost. I am enjoying my life to the fullest, but to have it so disorganized leaves me a little baffled. And again, none of this is leaving me depressed or too overwhelmed. I'm just kind of working through this life and figuring out where I should be in the next moment.

Thank you for walking with me down this ever-changing road.

No Regrets

I am getting bored. Many friends are sick or are recovering and cannot come over for play groups. I cannot pick JD up for 3 more weeks, therefore I cannot get him in my car (he sits down if you try to walk him where you want him to go) and go anywhere. And even if I could, I would either have no room in the grocery cart for all 3 kids and groceries, or be able to get JD in the cart, or be able to carry EK in a sling while pushing a cart (with C-sections you can't lift or carry or push anything greater than 10 lbs or your child for 6 weeks, mine of which is probably greater than 10 lbs now; I honor this to enable me the likelihood of being able to bear more children). LJ is getting bored. He has never been more mean to his brother or more selfish and disrespectful, and he has spent the last month going in time outs. JD is getting bored of his toys. Now, Christmas has been a wonderful diversion on one hand, providing them with all sorts of new toys. On the other hand, it has made LJ ever more selfish. I'm sure some of the selfishness and meanness are acting out of having baby at home now, adding to the taking away of Mommy, which never sits well with LJ. But I am thankful. I wouldn't trade any of my children for anything, and I adore EK, despite the disruption LJ and JD so obviously feel. JD, though, does adore her - he loves holding her (with my assistance), hugging her, patting her, touching her head, and grins the whole time he's doing it. LJ, as always, I have to create involvement with him and her.

So what was my point in my ramblings, I wonder? I think it was, I can't wait to get back to feeling myself and being able to handle JD better. Once I can handle him better, and EK sleeps a little longer at night, life can resume back to a little routine. It's amazing how much I enjoy my 20-30 minute escapes to Target by myself right now, if only to get out of my 4 walls. And I look forward to resuming play groups.

So while I wait, I have several new books to read. A friend gave me a great book that seems very Mark Twain-ish so far. It makes me laugh, the small town vignettes, as they are still similar to my childhood days in Michigan, when everyone knew everyone else's business. I got another Elisabeth Elliott book - "God's Guidance: A Soft and Certain Light" (I think the original copy was called just "A Soft and Certain Light"), and it has a study guide with it. As I read it, I think so much of our generation's struggle to know what their purpose in life is, and what God's will is, and how great of a Bible study this would make. Maybe I will bring it up at my church (again, once Emma is sleeping at night more) - I can't wait! Her wisdom is God-given, and continues to be a source of encouragement to me, as it reminds me of all of the truths I know in Scripture and believe in, and helps me regain footing on solid ground.

The third book (or really, series) is the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer. I have to say, I really don't like vampire stories of any kind. Vampires creep me out. Spiders, snakes, superheros & villians I can handle - vampires, that is my creepy creature I avoid. Brad Pitt in "Interview with a Vampire"? I don't care how good looking he is, I couldn't handle more than 5 minutes! Ugh. So when I was at the beach with my college girlfriends this summer, one of them was reading it, especially since her job has her around a lot of teenage girls, with whom this book is hugely popular. While I was curious, all I had to know was "vampires" and I'm like, "no, thank you!" But I am finding with not having to pack up diaper bags all the time for going places, having my husband and mom help with the boys & fixing them meals (then they, being OCD as they are, cleaning up as well, so much faster than I usually do), not actually spending any time out of the house (as much to protect Emma from getting sick, as the challenge of me getting out with the kids, and the burden it is on Tim or mom to help get them all in & out of the car everywhere), I was finding myself bored with TV and needing something else to do. So I was at Target, searched their book section, and finally decided on trying out the first book "Twilight". I got home and got hooked! Being on the NY Times bestseller list, I am sometimes wary of popular books for too much language or sex; while I can appreciate good literature, I generally do not enjoy a lot of either in my book reading choices and end up reading a lot of Christian fiction (and enduring my fair share of cheesiness and cliche and poor writing many times). However, that is just an assumption I make, and it could very well be very wrong. I was pleasantly surprised that her books, though, are completely clean (so far anyway, I've only read the first 2). And they focus more on the heroine's relationships much more than the vampire stuff - it's not blood & gore like Interview with a Vampire seemed to me. Anyway, it seems funny to me that I'm reading this series, but it's a good change from what little is on in the afternoons on tv, but is probably bad for me, as I'm not taking naps as I should!

Well, time is up - time to feed EK...again. :)

A New Life

Blessing upon blessing! I love being a mother of 3. My favorite moment after meeting our new baby girl was having her and both boys crowded on my hospital bed. I don't know why I have always wanted a big family. I guess partly because it was just my brother and me growing up, and being opposite sex, my mom had to time us to get us to play together (I didn't want to play GI Joe, Mike didn't want to play with Barbie dolls). We lived in a small, rural town, and unless my mom felt like carting us to friends' homes, we just hung out at home; I remember being bored a lot. Anyway, for whatever reason or maybe just because it's part of God's calling on Tim & I's lives, we have wanted a relatively big family.

And I love having a girl. I see why it's so fun to dress her up. She craves having her brothers within hearing distance and likes being held at all times (of course!). I love the baby phase, even the late sleepless nights (you know, while I don't have the responsibility to get the boys dressed in the mornings until this Monday). I do wish my babies weren't so big, so I could enjoy them being little longer (it only takes a few weeks to go from newborn to 3 months clothes), but can't discount the thankfulness I have that they are healthy.

I guess other than fully enjoying my whole family being home this week together, there is not much news. While my husband is counting the hours until he gets to go back to work after mediating the boys all week, I am dreading him leaving me so soon! I am thankful to be past the first several days of pain, though, and our little girl figuring out the whole eating thing; I think we're getting settled - slowly - into a routine with her feeding, and a mother always feels a little more normal when that happens. :)

Countdown

I am getting really excited. I don't know if it's because I finally know exactly how my delivery will go (planned C-section) and that I know recovery will definitely be better than it was with LJ. Or if it's because I have 2 other delightful boys who make me laugh despite all of their sassiness lately and I look forward to more intimate family funny moments. Or if after 9 months of carrying her in my belly, I am longing to just hold her and feed her and see her. In any case, one of my problems with a scheduled delivery is, it's like leaving for a trip. You get so excited, you can't sleep. Now, on a trip, where usually my husband does the driving or I can at least have a Starbucks, it doesn't really matter if I get sleep the night or 2 before. However, as most of you know, you prefer being well rested before having a newborn to take care of - especially if your body is also recovering from surgery at the same time. I just don't know, though, if I will be able to sleep tonight or tomorrow night! Some things are just too fun to think about! :)

Note to Self: Cranky parents lead to cranky children

Whew! What a day. Is it possible for everyone in the family to be tired, cranky and whiny? This is one of those days you wish you could just start over. No one has anything nice to say. LJ is cranky because his parents woke up late and he knows his parents are tired and cranky. JD is cranky because his parents are too tired to keep up with his hefty appetite by getting up 5 times to get him something else to eat or drink and he has been cooped up in a car all morning running errands. Husband is cranky because he worked 7 days in a row, is sleep deprived, and worked at the hospital all of Thanksgiving weekend. No one in the family gives any sympathy to the mother who is delivering child 3 in 3 days; no, they whine, criticize, and fight over the grilled cheese she made for HERSELF for lunch (literally, all 3 boys were). Instead, she leaves to take a nap and told them to "duke it out" while she goes hungry. She especially loves how her husband seems to think the problem is all her. Or LJ. As if he were not tired and cranky and critical at all. As if she had not spent the first 2 hours of the day letting him sleep in and have time to himself while she got the kids up despite her own fatigue.

So, needless to say, we will be eating a frozen dinner and going to bed early tonight. If we don't answer our phone tonight, you'll know we're sleeping. :)

Pictures update

Okay, I finally updated my pictures on facebook, attempted to email some Halloween pictures to my extended family (& failed), and found the greatest picture of LJ smiling a true smile! He hates cameras, attention, etc except for that rare moment you can catch him being silly and free. I love it! The last few days with him have been better, and I am going to bed at like 8:30pm, which is helping me catch up on some much needed sleep (especially with the continued middle of the night crying). I am finding that resting in God's grace is getting harder and harder the closer we get to delivery date, as my greatest desire right now is being in our usual routine, sleeping well, and staying healthy - none of which have been going on under our roof for the last month.

We are 4 weeks from delivering!! I am getting really excited about meeting our baby girl, and losing some of the bulky pregnant belly so I can better hug my family! The boys are getting along a lot better lately and I'm seeing more brotherly love with the sharing, even if it means a soaking wet bathroom floor at the end of the day. :) I think it was all the wrestling they did with Daddy that finally helped bridge the gap.

Blessings and Dry Bones

We have had several prayer requests lately in our church that have struck very close to home, reminding Tim and myself how blessed we really are. They have also served as heart warnings, reminding us to pray for our family, guard against sin and evil, and cling to God always. I wish I could describe the situations, but out of respect for them, I will just say that I crawl into bed at the end of the day and am humbled that today was so blessed, and I am not promised any of it tomorrow. There is a reason we are called as Christians to live in and take joy in today, because sin continues to bring grief and sorrow into our lives, and oftentimes it takes us off guard unexpectedly.

However, in case you sometimes think my life is all joy and gladness, I am as human as the rest, and I am exhausted. Baby girl is sitting high so I have had a hard time breathing for 3 days, my husband works through this coming weekend and the resident is out of town, so he will be working nonstop for the next 2 weeks again, and daylight savings time is brutal with LJ who woke up the last 2 mornings at 5:45am (2 weeks ago he slept till 7:45!). While LJ has shown signs of improving the last few days, I have no energy right now to minister to him even at better. This is a season, but it is a tiring season for me. I didn't realize how easy or better LJ had gotten until the last few weeks have been so hard, and I find myself desperately wishing that he would be seemingly healed for the next few weeks, just so I can selfishly get sleep and peace before I have more sleepless nights!

So yesterday I read the following and the Holy Spirit spoke to me encouragement (bear with me here, this is going to seem really out of left field):

Ezekiel 37
The Valley of Dry Bones
1 The hand of the Lord was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"
I said, "O Sovereign Lord, you alone know."
4 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.' "
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
9 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.' "

Now, I realize there are all kinds of prophetic messages here, but when I was a little girl, a musician named Michael Card wrote a song about this passage. I don't remember the tone of it, but I remember thinking - Wow! God can bring dry bones to life and breathe air into them so they are a vast army. It is a great visual of how powerful God is. For today, it encourages me that when I am dry, when I have nothing left to give my family, my boys, my friends, He can breathe new life into me. He can restore me to the living. He has already put His (Holy) Spirit into me, who continues to daily teach me God's mercy and grace, and show me how He is becoming my everything. Having children has increasingly made me aware of how little I can do of myself. Many mornings I wake up and think, "God, I can't do this - You have to do it." That is not the same self-controlled, self-sufficient woman of 3 years ago. It is interesting to me how God uses such an everyday thing like being a mom to teach me full dependence on Him, and how He may use something so much more drastic to teach someone else. This Ezekial passage may seem a bit of an extreme example, since I am obviously a very healthy person with a healthy family; but I think there are days we all feel that dry, that unwell, and some of us are fighting diseases or losses around us that affect us that deeply. May our hope ever be in the Lord!