Blessings and Dry Bones

We have had several prayer requests lately in our church that have struck very close to home, reminding Tim and myself how blessed we really are. They have also served as heart warnings, reminding us to pray for our family, guard against sin and evil, and cling to God always. I wish I could describe the situations, but out of respect for them, I will just say that I crawl into bed at the end of the day and am humbled that today was so blessed, and I am not promised any of it tomorrow. There is a reason we are called as Christians to live in and take joy in today, because sin continues to bring grief and sorrow into our lives, and oftentimes it takes us off guard unexpectedly.

However, in case you sometimes think my life is all joy and gladness, I am as human as the rest, and I am exhausted. Baby girl is sitting high so I have had a hard time breathing for 3 days, my husband works through this coming weekend and the resident is out of town, so he will be working nonstop for the next 2 weeks again, and daylight savings time is brutal with LJ who woke up the last 2 mornings at 5:45am (2 weeks ago he slept till 7:45!). While LJ has shown signs of improving the last few days, I have no energy right now to minister to him even at better. This is a season, but it is a tiring season for me. I didn't realize how easy or better LJ had gotten until the last few weeks have been so hard, and I find myself desperately wishing that he would be seemingly healed for the next few weeks, just so I can selfishly get sleep and peace before I have more sleepless nights!

So yesterday I read the following and the Holy Spirit spoke to me encouragement (bear with me here, this is going to seem really out of left field):

Ezekiel 37
The Valley of Dry Bones
1 The hand of the Lord was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"
I said, "O Sovereign Lord, you alone know."
4 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.' "
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
9 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.' "

Now, I realize there are all kinds of prophetic messages here, but when I was a little girl, a musician named Michael Card wrote a song about this passage. I don't remember the tone of it, but I remember thinking - Wow! God can bring dry bones to life and breathe air into them so they are a vast army. It is a great visual of how powerful God is. For today, it encourages me that when I am dry, when I have nothing left to give my family, my boys, my friends, He can breathe new life into me. He can restore me to the living. He has already put His (Holy) Spirit into me, who continues to daily teach me God's mercy and grace, and show me how He is becoming my everything. Having children has increasingly made me aware of how little I can do of myself. Many mornings I wake up and think, "God, I can't do this - You have to do it." That is not the same self-controlled, self-sufficient woman of 3 years ago. It is interesting to me how God uses such an everyday thing like being a mom to teach me full dependence on Him, and how He may use something so much more drastic to teach someone else. This Ezekial passage may seem a bit of an extreme example, since I am obviously a very healthy person with a healthy family; but I think there are days we all feel that dry, that unwell, and some of us are fighting diseases or losses around us that affect us that deeply. May our hope ever be in the Lord!

Patience and the Joys of Parenthood

Okay - I'll start with the good news! We have a date! Baby Girl will be born on Friday, December 5th (unless God intervenes). I am very excited about this -- we're about 6 weeks away, and if she were ready, I would do it tomorrow. I am tired of not being able to carry my other children because she's getting so big (or is it ME that's getting so big?)! Needless to say, we're almost done with October, and then I have November, and then I give birth. Although I keep saying I'm ready to settle in, and yet my sick kids are proving me otherwise...

God is teaching me more patience. I thought I was doing pretty well with that lesson, going through the past year and a half with LJ and his OT, and spending the summer resting in God's grace. But over the last 2 weeks, LJ has regressed for multiple possible reasons (all the changes in his room, sharing a room with JD, baby girl getting bigger, change of seasons & weather, Daddy was at work alot...) and JD got sick (and got moved back & forth from LJ's room to the old nursery when JD had coughing spasms). At first, I thought most of LJ's issues was he was getting sick since he tends to sense when he is getting sick and then gets back to "normal" once it hits him. The last week and a half went by, and he showed no outward signs of sickness, but everything was wrong with him. A few coughs late at night, but nothing more. So today, while we had another long morning of resistance, we made it out and about, and he did fine or survived, depending on your definition of fine. They woke up from their naps, JD was in a great mood, LJ seemed in a better mood - I declared us on the road to recovery! I was in such a great mood, I baked some of our apples from the apple orchard trip (I never bake after making dinner). I went to Bible study tonight, and got a call from my husband, who said "Happy 8th anniversary! LJ got sick in bed and I had to change all of his sheets & pj's." (Well, he was more long-winded than that, but that was the gist of it.) I am going stir crazy. They have no fevers, they act well for the most part, but there is this random stomach bug that is nagging at them. And it's not 24 or 48 hours - it's a week to 10 days (or it was with JD)! Ugh! I had resolved that being out and about with friends was helping reduce how many mornings I had to be mediator in sharing between siblings (they share much better with others than they do with their siblings as many of you know), and now I'm stuck! Last week, my Dad made the brilliant comment of how when you have multiple kids, then you get 2 or 3 or 4 rounds of the same bug, so you get to stay at home sometimes for a month while it makes the rounds at your house. Thanks Dad! (He's usually much more encouraging than that.) I think he and mom are very glad they are no longer raising children. Now they go on cruises and abandon me in my time of need (ha,ha).
Does anyone without kids want to come visit me?


Anyway, there's my whining for the day. My great hope out of all of this is that LJ's horrible transitions this past almost 2 weeks will be radically minimized when everyone is feeling better. What day is it? How much longer??? Will I get to sleep before baby girl comes, or will I just see all of you in the spring, when all of my children are well, and I've come out of crazyland....???

Happy 8th anniversary, love. You are the most amazing husband in the world. I couldn't do any of this without you, and I continue to ask God that I won't ever have to...The boys adore you and you continue to show me your love for me in your devotion to God - a blessing that overwhelms me every day. I only pray I show you how much I love you half as much as you do for me.

Nesting

Okay, so I have spent the last few weeks "nesting". I had decided that I am one of those pregnant women that never really nests as compared to what I think nesting is; but then, on my 3rd pregnancy, I finally figured out why. I am so tired, that I have great intentions of nesting and all that it entails - organizing, cleaning, getting it all "together" - but I am so tired by the end of my 2nd & 3rd trimesters when my nesting tends to hit, I feel like I don't get to do the nesting us pregnant women crave.

However, my house was in such a state of affairs, both my husband & I agreed it had to be done. So we have taken several date nights to go out to eat, come home, and clean & organize the house. And I have forced myself to organize instead of take naps. I think I have finally gotten the house down to one area of chaos. The girl's clothes are in the nursery, the boys socks & shoes are sorted, and now it's down to me!

Honestly, my list is still so long of things to do and none of it includes house cleaning - when do all of you women do all of these things? I am very thankful that 80% of the time I'm okay with the stacks. My husband may throw me out with the stacks someday, though. :) He would say, stop blogging and get to work!

Bunk Beds

We did it! We finally put the bunk beds in LJ's & JD's "new" room. LJ was SO excited - new bed, new sheets, new ladder to climb....of course, he's only allowed to play on the top, sleep on the bottom (to which LJ was VERY disappointed, but recovered admirably). We have gone back and forth, back and forth on whether or not we were going to put JD in the room, whether we were going to let LJ sleep on the top bunk, where we would put baby sister....and I think throughout the process I decided, I don't know what I'm going to do until I'm doing it. We were going to wait to put JD in the room until after the baby was born, but LJ was handling the transition so well (he kept saying he was sleeping on the top & JD on the bottom), I couldn't help but take advantage of it. JD is not happy to be sleeping in the pack n play, but there just isn't room for the crib, and the bottom bunk is much higher off the ground than LJ's old full size bed. I think what I've learned from this process is that as parents (mothers in particular), we can say all we want to say about what we're going to do and how we're going to handle things, but honestly until certain moments hit, we don't really know. We are about to have 3 kids, three kids. Just because I say something is going to happen doesn't mean that something completely different couldn't happen, or that I couldn't change my mind and go back to another plan. I probably use stronger language than I should when I'm talking to people because I'm a pretty decisive person, but when I'm looking around my house, I'm thinking, "you know, I will just figure it out as I go along." I have all these conversations with friends, "what are you going to do about this?" "have you thought about this?" and I enjoy responding to those questions, but I should probably emphasize better that I have thought about a lot of things and envisioned lots of scenarios, but I really don't know what we're doing about any of it. Because things like JD adjusting less well than LJ surprise me. And how to teach them to sleep in the same room at nap time, not just bed time currently stump me. It's just trial and error. I'm a psychology major (what about this blog doesn't scream that? ha!), so I want there to be consistent themes, and I'm forever analyzing my children (again, surprised?); but I also want to cultivate an attitude in my home with my children that says, just because we would like to do it this way, doesn't mean we're not open to other ideas. Now I do know my kids for the most part, and I can be pretty adamant about what will and won't work with them when people suggest things. LJ is extremely predictable on that part; if I say I don't think he can do it, he can't. Doesn't mean I can't try back in a week or a month, but developmentally, he is definitely on his own curve. And as JD is really starting to come into his own now that he can walk, he is doing all the "normal" things that LJ never did at that age. I am seeing those "gaps" filled by JD that I never got to see with LJ. I am seeing him explore (okay, LJ was NEVER climbing the table by 14 months) in ways that are both amazing and frustrating to me, as LJ was never as curious as JD. JD is getting bored. LJ is rarely bored and extremely focused. It makes me laugh, because JD is your "typical" kid that I have never experienced for myself before, and I caught on by the time LJ was 2 that there were some things not happening that should be. JD points at pictures in books. He wants to know what things are, what sounds they make. He "gets" things that shouldn't leave me speechless, but do simply because my firstborn was so different. I can see how it would be much easier to have your "typical" kid first, then your "atypical" kid; as for me, I'm used to moving at a slower pace with LJ, and JD speeding up in my 7th month of pregnancy is not exactly thrilling for me. He's already fallen in love with the outdoors he's probably spent all of a few hours in so far, and brought me a shoe this morning to let me know he wanted them on. When I took him outside later, he giggled with glee.

So back to the bunk beds. The boys are doing really well, all things considering. If you knew me when I put LJ in a "big" bed from the crib and how that seemed to only contribute to the already anxious child, I am thrilled with how well he's doing with all of the changes in his room. Now we have to paint the top color (the bottom half of the wall, my husband installed wide planks & painted them white)....if only LJ would start saying he liked the blue and not the brown....but maybe that's one of those things the mother lets go of, huh? If only I could find some shades for our extra long windows!

Grace and Siblings!

Some of this post has been waiting in the wings. I started, stopped, started again. I know reading this blog is more like reading a diary or a devotional, but when I have time, it is cathartic for me to share my struggles and ups and downs, and what God is teaching me through life. Our culture doubts God (well, when has it not?), but it blames most of that right now on the older church that rarely revealed the true struggles of the heart. I want others to know that while there is no perfect answer, there is One who walks through all of it with you. And He gives you the answers as you need it, but sometimes He lets you struggle so that you can find Him in it. I told my husband this weekend I feel rich, like a billionaire, from the blessings of God and my family - him and the kids - and I have need of nothing else. But in that happiness, my life is not without its challenges; and maybe that's what makes me more thankful for what I do have.

This is where I started last week:

It's a good thing that God's mercies are "new every morning" and His grace knows no bounds. I feel like I talk about God's grace a lot, but I have realized how much I need it, I rely on it, and I find great peace in it.

I have found these last few weeks that God's grace is sufficient. It is enough. If we rest in it, and let all of the things go that worry us, stress us, burden us, control us, we can find peace. I have not reconciled all that I desire to reconcile, but I have found peace on the other side. I have to remember that I am in control of how I feel about things, and if I let God handle a situation, He can work it out for good - His good.

This is what I am dealing with today:


So on to happier, more mundane & frustrating things. You know, up until now, I feel like I've had a pretty good grasp (or the illusion of it) on dealing with sin issues with our children. LJ, of course, has been a special case and has tested me plenty, but maybe having some OT help for a few months gave me the illusion that we were onto better pastures. Sharing. Can someone else teach my children this lesson? It's like potty training - surely none of us like teaching this. It can't be enjoyable. And you know, LJ survives the lessons with his friends (not necessarily gracefully), but with his brother? HA. Not so much. He pushes, he hoardes, he whines, he shouts....I'm thinking God designed this week of no play groups for me to deal exactly with this issue but I cry, "please! can I pass this off on someone else??!!" :) I survived this morning with my brain in tact. I think the more difficult thing with siblings, too, is the older one gets confused. Sometimes it's okay they take things from their younger brother or sister (like when it's not safe), sometimes it's against the rules. So they get praise for some, discipline for others. I would be confused too. And I'm watching JD manipulate situations now. I see him do things to get LJ's attention, for good or bad, then laugh because he got the attention! Then I get to decide, do I discipline LJ for handling it poorly, when the poor boy was manipulated in the first place? Whew! Forget trying to do anything. I just sat and observed most of this morning. It was very educational. My hope is that maybe LJ started listening this morning, and maybe his mama is getting more consistent as I developed the attempt at a game plan this weekend. I really still believe the "terrible twos or threes" should be called the "testing twos or threes", as I see LJ continue to push my buttons to see if I really mean what I say. We'll see how sane I am by Friday. I may swap jobs with my husband for a week. :)



Looking back over my blog, maybe I need Elisabeth Elliott's words again.

"If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next."



Why does it seem right when you find contentment, there is something else to find contentment about again? :)

My Superhero

LJ has 2 best friends in our neighborhood, both boys around his same age. So when one of the moms asked me what I was going to dress LJ as for Halloween, I naturally said I haven't thought that far (because I generally don't). Now, I have friends that are excited about Halloween, ambivalent about it, and against it. I always thought I'd just let the season pass by and if LJ wanted to dress up as he got older, I'd deal with it then; probably going along with whatever my husband thought. But how can I resist him pretending with his friends and basically having a little party going around the neighborhood? So when my friend & neighbor suggested our 3 boys go together as superheros (think Superwhy on PBS - Superwhy to the rescue! - only we use our boys' names Super - to the rescue!) -- it just was too cute to pass up! So we went to the Costume store. I thought he'd be scared; LJ had a blast. He laughed at the scary monsters that moved & had red eyes, he carried around 2 huge squishy spiders, and he ran around with his friends, "Super LJ to the rescue!"

What is more fun than that?

Prison

Do you ever feel trapped? There are situations in my life where I am like a bird...my wings are tied down, I'm caged, and my whole spirit feels weighed down, begging for release. There are few things so upsetting to me as to feel trapped, like I'm locked in a prison. My body starts going into "trapped mode" and I feel physically ill from the stress. I long to yell, scream, cry, and yet I know that all of it is my sinful self rebelling. And yet, is it that, or the sins of others affecting me or both? God calls us to live in freedom. Why do I feel in bondage? One of my blog ideas was to write about bitterness - how our own personal bitterness affects and hurts those around us and we don't see it. I am still struggling with feeling in bondage around certain people. Is it my lack of love and mercy? Is it their bitterness and pride and selfishness that binds me? I want to run from this bondage, this trapped feeling. If I say something, it's misconstrued. Or I'm scorned. So I say nothing. Even this can be misinterpreted for pride or arrogance. I can't win. I have loved, I have been loving, but it is like pouring it in a poisonous quicksand. It gets eaten up, faster than I can pray for it. I have been told to be myself, but I have found when I do that, it's like a balloon that gets popped. There is no joy to be had around bitterness. It snuffs out those who try to seek goodness and love. "Misery loves company." It's true. They don't want to be around joyful people; they don't want to hear what God is doing in your life. And maybe that's the saddest part of all. They've lost hope for themselves. They are in a prison of their own making.

I will tangent a little here, and come back around to make another point. There is a philosophy of thought in teaching your children about choices. I love this philosophy. I feel like this teaches our children there are consequences to every choice you make. I think what our culture has failed to teach us is that EVERY choice we make leads us to where we are today. This is why it is so important that God is involved in every detail of our lives. Because He can help us make good choices - and not just the normal moral ones, but ones about how we view things, our attitudes about things, and seeing His purpose in this sinful world that fails and disappoints us.
Contentment is a choice. It is an action. It is choosing that I will be satisfied with what God has given me regardless. I hope to teach my children that by choosing contentment, they evade bitterness. By choosing thankfulness, they escape discontent. By choosing love and forgiveness, they choose a road that leads to contentedness, happiness if you will. But if they choose to hold a grudge, they choose unforgiveness and that is sin. I do get frustrated sometimes when I see choices that have led to bitterness. Sin leads to death and not just eternal death, but a death of the spirit. Have you ever been around or even lived with, a really bitter person? Theirs is a death of the spirit. No one wants to be around them because they have nothing left that is nice to say or because it is like a disease, and spreads to those around them. I say this not with judgment, but sadness. Because it takes great courage to even be around a bitter person in hopes to encourage them and bring them some kind of joy. And I wish I was a braver person more of the time.

"No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1: 5-9

This is God's lesson to me today. These blogs are like His pep talks to me in written form. When I wrote about bravery, it reminded me of the passage "be strong and courageous" in the Bible, so I looked it up. There it is - God talking to Joshua. As relevant to me today, as it was to Joshua then. If I follow God's lead, he will never leave me; do not be discouraged, He is with me wherever I go. Follow His lead, and I will be successful (content, happy). It goes to that passage I believe in Romans - if God is for me, who can be against me? If I am seeking first His kingdom, He is with me. I think the most difficult thing is not knowing what following Him means in certain circumstances, and Satan uses the not knowing parts of things against me. Satan discourages me mightily with the unknowns. He conjures up all kinds of possibilities in my mind to lead me to this trapped feeling.

Forgive me, I am still overwhelmed. Pray for me, that I will meditate on His Word "day and night." And hopefully, I will have something less melancholy to write of the next time. God willing, it will be a more hopeful and joyful message of what He has obtained victory over. Blessings to you.