All of Creation

Bear with me. As I am increasingly involved in my children's education, I keep wanting to share with others what I am learning, thinking, and resources as applicable - this is a post that encompasses all 3.  If the internet is where we are all getting information, then I want to be a source that points us to Jesus and points us to Truth.

Every week, I keep coming back to our culture's desperate need to think outside boxes and ideologies (as in, they need it, not that they pursue it as a general rule). As Christians', we have a responsibility to compare EVERYTHING we hear or read to Scripture. We all so quickly accept a Tweet as fact or a headline as Truth.  If it sounds good, we believe it.  [Our class also just read Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Celestial Railroad", a sequel if you will, to "The Pilgrim's Progress."  Mr. Smooth-It-Away was the perfect caricature to the "person" our culture listens to today. The convictions of taking the easy way was profound by the end.]  We idolize people (which 2019-2020 has dealt heavy blows to on both sides) instead of first thinking  "do I agree with what they are saying?" or following their ideas to their logical conclusions. 

"Defeating Darwinism" has a lot of places I would have written it differently. I am mostly linking it to the book beside it here, but also wishing to point out that you don't have to agree with an entire book (or person or idea) to glean something from it. The parts that I have enjoyed the most about it is the logical reasoning (which is in select places) in which our class can dissect with our logical syllogisms and propositional arguments (thank you, Introductory and Intermediate Logic), and its comparison of worldviews.  "Defeating Darwinism" challenged us to think.  (Johnson has other books that give more scientific explanations, so look those up if you want more facts.)

As I have recently rearranged my books, I came across "Creation Regained", which has complemented it so well in giving an excellent definition on worldview (see 2nd and 3rd slides). It also gives a strong foundation for a Christian worldview of creation from a Biblical perspective. So for anyone in the church wondering why Christians still believe in creation, this would be a great read.  Or for any fellow homeschoolers!  ;)  I am attaching some excerpts for your encouragement.

Spring Fever

The last couple of days in North Carolina have been warm, sunny, and gorgeous!  We are having a hard time committing to finishing our daily school and chores, and the neighbors are having a blast outside!  The walkie-talkies are going strong, kids are running everywhere, birds are stretching their wings, and the crickets and frogs are back as if it is summer-time.  It feels like spring, but the weathermen promise us winter will be back by the weekend.  While my list of responsibilities is long, I have made myself go outside and soak in some Vitamin D.  It gives new life, new joy, and a new perspective.  It helps us breathe.

How often we do not realize what we need until God provides it?  We have had so much rain and so many cloudy days lately, when God provided the sun, we have raced outside to soak in its rays.  How much like life is this?  We trudge on in life, its burdens weighing us down, not realizing how much we need the Son of God, and to soak in His life, His righteousness, His grace.  So often, we forget to soak in His Word, stop and listen to His Spirit, or sit and pray for His life to be poured into us.  

Despite my best attempts, I have not been able to blog as much as I would enjoy.  Finding time to sit and breathe has been my biggest challenge.  I am looking forward to spring, homeschooling slowing down, and having a little more time to sit and soak in the sun....in the meantime, I will continue to carve out moments to write, even if it is something small, like today.  

The Daily Fulfillment of His Purpose

It is interesting how God works.  It seems as I make new words for 2019, He reveals even more clearly how He will fulfill those words. 

My prayer list is full of heartbreaking prayers for broken bodies, broken people, and broken hearts.  Some hit close to home in recent weeks, and some I just see friends suffering in life.  I am helpless to fix any of it, but I know the One who can.  As my prayer time increases, God gives me eyes to see more people to pray for.

As I struggle daily with keeping up with what needs to be done, I write:

Reminding myself, when I am disciplined - whether it is doing Bible study and prayer in the morning, doing my tasks instead of putting them off and getting increasingly overwhelmed, discipline in eating gives margin for those cheat days - I create margin for all the many things I want to have time for. 

One of the things I really enjoy, as God brings the friendships and the time, is discipling other women.  It can also be called mentoring, but it is intentionally investing in a few select people, encouraging them, sharing God-given wisdom or experience as opportunity presents itself, and just loving on them.  My first job is to disciple my children.  I did pray about being able to come alongside a couple of women this year, though.  I love how if you listen to the Spirit, you can hear him nudge you and say, "this book would encourage her," or "you need to text her today to see if she needs a friend." 

So as I started today, realizing these words for 2019 are quickly becoming God's purpose for me this year, I am thankful.  My blog posts may not be as eloquent as when I have a day to sit on the porch, breathe the fresh air, and clear my mind of all the to do's for a couple of hours, but those days will come in a few months as school comes to a close, or on a weekend I might be able to get away.  For now, I am going to post as I have time and thoughts to share.  I see this culture discouraging so many around me and I want to provide a voice that helps change and encourage others. 

2019 Focus

I am the kind of girl who loves fall.  The start of the school year.  I love new pencils and pens and notebooks.  Browsing the office section to see how I can improve my (increasingly disappearing) desk space.  So really, a new year is just an excuse to re-organize, buy new organizational things, and have a fall 2.0.  However, I also use it to re-focus.  I love to sit down, clear my head, and remind myself of what I want to prioritize in my life to re-center or re-focus myself.  I want to be able to be my best self for my family and make sure I am putting first what God would want me to each day. Here are my new words for 2019 and why!

God's Word.  This is pretty self-explanatory.  When life gets chaotic - as it tends to be more often than not - sometimes you just need a physical reminder to do the thing.  This is my reminder to keep pursuing time in God's Word.  It is also amazing how often something you read in the Bible has some specific encouragement for you in that moment.

Pray.  Our pastor is doing a series on prayer called "Insurgency" to start the new year.  There are so, so, so many people and things I need to be praying for.  This is definitely a weak area of my life as well.  I am more stream-of-consciousness through my day, but I desire to be more intentional in my prayer life. I have too many important people and ministries in my life that deserve my faithfulness in this spiritual discipline.

Blog.  When I last blogged, it forced me to take a time out for myself.  I spent hours on my screened porch, while last summer, I spent few.  I share out of my overflow.  When I am overworked, exhausted, and spread thin, I have nothing to give my blog.  In some ways, this focus word is just a reminder to take time out for myself.  In other ways, I realize the journey God has brought me through in life, and especially the last 13 years, is now ready to share, to mentor, to disciple others with. It gives the season of suffering purpose.  I hope it encourages others that though they may not see it now, God is working.  I hope it glorifies what He has done over the course of these past years because I still am in awe daily of the changes He has reaped in our family.  (It doesn't mean life is perfect, just that it has bore fruit!)

Disciple.  I have 4 kids that need me.  They trust me to guide them, and it is my job to show them Christ and how to be like Him.  How to know Him.  This is my reminder that this is my first job as their mother and teacher.

Discipline.  I know what to do.  I need to develop the discipline to do it.  To get up earlier to have a quiet time and prayer time.  I have done the hard work of developing the consistency of exercise.  Changing diet (that is, eating healthier in a way that works for my body, not diet in terms of extreme restrictions).  Adding supplements that give my body the nutrition it may not be able to give enough of itself (iron, CoQ10, etc).  Now I need to commit to the program I want to be on.  I have allowed the choas to control my time for months. When I put Christ first and exercise regularly (energy producer, stress reducer = mental health), I feel better in pretty much every way.  Life can fall apart, but my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health stay steady.

For me, these are the areas I want to grow in, mature in, keep in the forefront of what I do and think about each day.  Part of being intentional in raising kids is being intentional with yourself and making sure YOU know where you are heading.  If you don't know, pray about it.  Spend a week, 2 weeks, a month, praying about where God wants you and what He wants you to prioritize.

Maybe you feel lost as to what word(s) you would choose...what do you value, but it (or they) get lost in this crazy thing we call life?  What do you feel is missing in your life - peace? courage to do the hard thing?  love?  I ask myself these questions, I listen to the Holy Spirit, and I put them in a place I often visit.

May 2019, like all the others, be a year of growth.  Happy New Year!

Reflections

2018 Reflections

Do you ever find yourself thinking, "this isn't working?"  Do you evaluate where your time and energy are going?  Do you ever wonder why there is never enough of either?  So many times we post a meme of a wise quote, but don't actually take that advice to heart.  So many days, we just feel like we are drowning and we are at a loss at what to do about it.  Part of understanding ourselves is stopping every so often and evaluating what is working, what isn't, what is important to us, and what we need to change so that we can give our best selves to those we love around us. It is being intentional.

Life just keeps moving at a faster pace for me.  I need things in my life to help me keep up - Google Calendar, Google Keep, and lots of notes and checklists.  Pretty much every week comes a point where I think, "Why does life seem out of control?"  (Note that this is despite having a color-coded calendar and lots of notes as my memory bank.)  Usually I find it has to do with getting unfocused myself, saying "yes" to things I should have said "no" to, and not sticking to the people and things I value...hence my focus words.  

For the last 3 years, I have picked words to help me remember what I need to focus on.  I wanted to make sure I knew where I needed to spend my time and energy.  It came after a season of suffering, so my first words were things like healing and wait.  I needed words that reminded me that God would bring me comfort in His time. Then came thrive and breathe and balance.  Life started moving faster and I needed reminders to stop in between the chaos.  2018 began with healthy and be present and give.  I don't have any specific ways to measure them.  They just help bring me back to center when life gets off-track.  So pretty much every day.  

Healthy.  In raising 4 kids, being healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually is really important to me.  I cannot lead them in being healthy if I am not healthy myself.  My greatest prayer for my kids is that they love Jesus, and have health in all areas.  It was a gift my parents gave me, and I hope to pass on the legacy to my own.  I learned healthy boundaries, respect, and emotions early in life, which has made processing unhealthy events later in life easier.  This year, I measured it by trying to eat healthy, drink more water, make sure I stayed caught up on sleep (easier said than done!), and exercise regularly.  It also meant I needed to make healthy emotional, mental, and spiritual choices.  I know I failed in all of these areas at times, but there was never full regression.  I didn't gain 75 pounds or end up in a pit of depression when discouragement chased me.  I took 5 HTP (a supplement that boosts your serotonin) when the busyness of life took over and the stress started affecting my mental health (feeling overwhelmed to the point of helplessness).  Life gets crazy.  The saying "you can't pour from an empty cup" is really true.  Ultimately, our cup needs to be filled by Christ.  So we start with Him, and go from there.  He also gives us the strength to seek emotional help when we need it, the courage to start exercising so our mental and physical health improves, the commitment to get up earlier to spend time with Him, or the wisdom to pursue other ways we need to be healthy.

Be Present.  This one is so difficult in the city (or close to one) where everyone is busy and our current culture of technology!  I tend to be a task-master - with homeschooling 4 kids, the basic house and meals responsibilities, and having 3 part-time jobs, there is always something for me to do!  I really wanted to work on making sure I stopped and smelled the roses - or rather, my kids.  There were times this year I did this well (especially over the holidays) and times I continued to struggle.  Often, the exhaustion took over instead, but hopefully I grew in this and we definitely started some new holiday traditions.  It is an area I will continue to work on.

Give.  This focus word stretches me.  In being raised by 2 depression-era-raised parents, I have a lot of internal voices like, "what if you need it later?" and "you don't have the money right now." I also have many internal voices reminding me of my very-long-never-ending to do list. However, I say I  desire to teach my kids how to give generously.  How can I do that if I don't take the time to?  How do you teach your kids to give generously when you tithe online?  Last summer, we joined a local church during their Love Week, playing Bingo and doing crafts at an Adult Day Care.  Joining a local ministry to the homeless once a month, we helped pack hygiene kits and took them to the homeless wall downtown.  We handed sandwiches to single moms at the women's shelter. In December, we gathered a few of our coats and blankets and gave them to the homeless as we walked the streets on one of the coldest days.  If we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus, how do our children learn this if we don't give our time and resources to those who need it most?  Remember, this is difficult for me, too.  This is why it was a focus word.  But now the second Saturday morning of every month, we have developed an affection for those we serve.  

I don't know what your word or words need to be.  I think the beautiful thing about words is they don't have to be a goal you measure and risk failing at (especially if you are easily discouraged!).  There is no right way to focus on them and no way to get behind.  I think the important thing is that we all try to grow - whether in areas we struggle, stretch ourselves to new levels in areas that are easier, or focus on ways we can be a healthier version of us - whatever that looks like for you.  Maybe it is just something you have been wanting to do and giving it a word helps you get started thinking about it more.  In 2019, I will share my new focus words!

2018 ~ You were a good year.  Full of fun memories and laughter, new friends, and answers to prayer.

An Update

It has been 2 years.  Two years since my last post.  In re-reading my last post, it was very much the beginning of a time to blossom.  LJ is healthier than he has ever been.  He started playing Fortnite just before his 13th birthday and now is a very proficient...Fortnite dancer.  My son, who ran to his room and shut the door during his 3rd or 4th birthday (or both?), is now dancing with his friends in the hallway...or with Teens at church.  Sometimes I wonder if there was an alien invasion, but then we have the occasional reminder that I still have the same son.  But now he is fun and funny.  

I am still baffled that I can say these things.

The kids all have a social schedule that is far busier than mine.  We have families in the neighborhood who homeschool, and now not only do we have the 4 boys 2 doors down, but we have 3 girls across the street, much to my girls' delight!  Another family who joined our homeschool co-op this year moves in later this year and their kids are in my boys' classes.  They have also made new friends through various outlets.  The blessings in these friendships has not gone unnoticed after having a long season of isolation.  The younger kids struggled when we couldn't go places or had to leave early because of LJ's behavior or seizures.  Sometimes, I just did not have the energy to power through it all. I feel like people give me odd looks now when I laugh about LJ's talking back (usually he is just making a smart-aleck remark) or when I bend over backwards to make sure they get time with their friends or when I am amazed at LJ doing his schoolwork with excellence (yet lots of complaining).  I often think, "if only they had seen the dark days."  My heart is full from doing all the "normal" things I wasn't sure we would ever be able to do.    

The joy I see on my son's face - on all of my children's faces - 

is something I knew I wasn't promised on this side of heaven 

and I wasn't sure we would see.  

The gift that it is overflows my heart. It may not last.  

So for today, I hold it in my heart and choose thanksgiving.

Eucharisteo.

A Time to Blossom

"And the day came 

when the risk to remain 

tight in a bud was more painful 

than the risk it took to blossom."  

Anais Nin

As a mom of a kid with special needs, as a mom of four kids with food allergies, I have spent the last ten years serving, sacrificing, surviving. For the first time in ten years, I have drawn breath.  In the moment, I didn't see it.

When you are in the dark, you can't see.

When you are in the wilderness, you are lost.

When you come out of it, you are bewildered. You squint at the light, like you don't recognize it. You rub your eyes, because you cannot believe you see the water, the town, the life that you were lost from. You feel disoriented, unable to get your bearings.  This is what I have felt like over the last couple of months.  Like a newborn baby, opening it's eyes for the first time.  Like Lazarus, I feel like the dead coming back to life.

I can feel Jesus bringing me back to life.

His Spirit.

His vision.

His calling.

"There is an appointed time for everything.  

And there is a time for every event under heaven -

A time to give birth, and a time to die; 

A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.

A time to kill, and a time to heal; 

A time to tear down, and a time to build up.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 

A time to mourn, and a time to dance."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

In allowing me to breathe, by pouring rain into our life, God has shown me it is a time to heal, to build up, to laugh, to dance...He has seasons for all of us.  I have been praying for God's rain for two years, and seen glimpses of it, only for Him to show me there was still tearing down and weeping and mourning to do.  I don't know all of His purposes in it yet, but I can feel His Spirit building me up, that I may share and build up others.  I know He will not waste the darkness, the wilderness, the tears.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

The suffering we go through, at some point, is meant to be a comfort and encouragement to others.

Sometimes it takes the form of a listening ear, a hug, an "I understand, I've been there too." 

Sometimes God gives us the grace to share with others while we are suffering.

Sometimes God gives us the strength to share after He has renewed us....and maybe revived us?

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:28, NIV

The NASB version says, "that it may give grace to those who hear."

I don't know what the Lord has in store for me next.

I don't know what the Lord has in store for you.

But I pray that it may be for the building up of others.

I don't want to "remain tight in a bud."  I don't want to stay in the wilderness.  

I pray that it is a time for our family, and yours, to blossom into who God wants us to be.

How to be an Everyday Blessing to Others

We are a bunch of selfish creatures.  At least, we are, speaking for my family.  So as many homeschooling moms do, I found a new mission.

The kids and I are going to start a mission of encouraging others.  Thinking of others.

We have started this in small ways over the last few years, but this year, they are older, and I decided to step it up.  Around Christmas, we started to make notes for people who may not have a lot of people think of them.  We made a couple of fun presents for those that may give, but not receive much. We continued that for Valentine's, then Easter.  There are so many ways I want to expand this, and soon.

People just want to know others are thinking of them.

Then I started thinking of how we could encourage those who came to our house.  A friend of mine had a prayer box at her house, and I thought that could be something we could do.

I think our kids and the neighbor kids have contributed the most to it, but my hope and prayer for putting it in the guest bathroom, is that it is private enough, visitors may increasingly contribute to our prayer box.  And if not, it reminds our kids that there are others in need to keep praying for...and encourages them to have their own list of people to pray for.  (Credit to Target for cute boxes already painted for the non-crafty, and to Amazon Prime for cute labels.)

But then, I keep thinking, how can we be more thankful?  How can I teach thankfulness more than just modeling it?

It finally hit me a few days ago.  A Thankfulness Journal.

It is going to sit on my kitchen table, where anyone can add what they are thankful for.  It can be vague or specific.  It will sit in a place where visitors can sign it and mutually encourage our family to be thankful.  (More credit to Target for cheap decorating options.  And yes, I know Easter was almost 3 weeks ago.)  Maybe as they read it, we can encourage them. That life is more than keeping-up-with-the-Jones' or the Kardashians' or whomever the new kid on the block is...

This could be a complete bomb of an experiment, but if it gets our kids thinking about what they are thankful for, I will consider it a success.  If it can encourage others, even better.

How does your family reach out to others in the every day?  Please share!

When Your Marriage Needs Life

Marriage is hard.  It seems like the longer you're married, the harder it becomes.  The harder life gets as you get older, sometimes the more marriage is about surviving.  Some couples are strong.  They start strong and they stay strong, and God is gracious to them.  Some couples struggle.  Some couples start with struggles, and the struggles only get more difficult.  Or maybe they start strong, but life interrupts and they never really recover.

Every marriage is different.  Mine has always been the one that struggles.  We are two stubborn, sinful people who have struggled overcoming our stubbornness and sinfulness.

But God has still been gracious to us.  He has used our marriage to sanctify us, refine us, and make something beautiful.  But it has been 15 years in the making, and I am sure that it will only continue.

There are 3 things I have learned that have breathed new life in our marriage:

1) Marriage needs fun moments.  When life gets hard, marriage needs laughter.  Not the sarcastic, talking-down-to-your-spouse kind.  The goofy-dancing-with-the-kids kind.  Or, as in the picture below, catch a lunch-date while waiting on your son's scan (reality check).  You can't survive the bad without having enough good moments to counter-balance the bad.

2) Marriage needs date nights. Even if they are stay home, after-the-kids-are-in-bed, date nights.  Order take out.  Pick up a pint of his ice cream and her ice cream. Watch Netflix. Organize a child care rotation with neighbors or members from your church and go to a painting class on a Groupon purchase (which also creates that laughter and fun moments if you are not an artist, like me!). 

3) Find a hobby that just you and your spouse do together.  Do something new.  Have your own book club.  Try photography or woodworking or painting.  Color the adult coloring books together.  Make your own graphic novels together.  The possibilities are endless.  Try a few different things until you find something that works.  

Life is stressful enough.  Put some joy into it.  You may struggle liking your spouse right now.  The idea of spending more time together feels like more stress, not less.  I completely understand.  Find something that does not involve whatever the stress is about.  Escape the stress together, and you both may find healing in the escape.

Staying Healthy

After a great (not perfect!) weekend, my son crashed the very next day (Monday) and I crashed with him. The lesson in it:  I found I need to stay the course to stay healthy - spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I have had a hard time keeping up with my gym time in the summer. We want to get together with friends while their kids are out of school, and LJ's health somehow always takes a down turn during the heat. I have gotten better about spending time with God each day in the mornings, although there are still days I miss.  I find it is critical to my health to do these things.  I had gone 5 days without going to the gym until today.  It was 5 days too long. Why can't I work out at home, you ask?  Her name is EW. She is 2 years old. EW needs her own blog to share her antics. It is probably a mental thing for me, but when my other option is doing it by myself and getting a shower to boot, working out at home doesn't have the same appeal.  I could walk around the block with the kids, but we barely make it a mile, and we go so slow, I feel jipped. And no shower. I like to feel clean at least every other day.

 

I made it to the gym today, and mentally I feel so much better! There is a down side to it.  We do less of other things, like getting together with friends who have kids who take afternoon naps. Or we miss the $1 summer movie. Or we miss a homeschool group get together. I try to work around these things, but I find if I skip too many days, I mentally do not do as well. I have to boost my serotonin. I already look forward to Thursday. And Saturday.

As mothers, we drown. We drown in the everyday, the errands, the kids play dates or activities, the laundry, the house...half the year, birthdays sneak up on me (thank goodness for Target and Amazon Prime!)!  After my 3rd child, and lots and lots and lots of stress, I decided to do something for me.  You know that whole concept of compounding interest? I did that with weight with each child. Because the first 3 kids were so close together, I just added whatever was left from the last child to the new pregnancy weight gain. Most of the time, the weight didn't bother me. If you know me, my life goal has never been to be skinny. My mom was a baton twirled/cheerleader type. I was never going to live up to that, not when I was built like my dad's side of the family. Again, if you know me, I am not really the "Ra, Ra, Ra" type unless you count me rooting for my Auburn Tigers (football starts in a month!).  I probably have self image issues somewhere, but overall, I don't focus on my appearance much. Enough to take care of myself, but no drive to be the elusive "perfect."  God gave me other issues to wrestle with. But I digress.  I was feeling very tired (which has been a lifelong struggle) and knew if I wanted to reach 40 without diabetes or heart issues, I should lose some of the weight. Did I mention the stress? Yes, so the gym would probably help with that too. I met with a trainer, met with a nutritionist, lost some weight, got in a routine, and.....got pregnant.  I have been going for 4 or 5 years now. I still gained plenty of weight with EW.  It took me a very long time to lose the baby weight because she had food allergies while I was nursing, which restricted my diet significantly (of course, she couldn't be allergic to something that would help me like sugar).  Now, I have been doing it so long, I am addicted. I notice when my stress increases, I crave going to the gym. I hate exercise. So many days, I can feel the fatigue in my limbs.  I feel like I am going to pass out before, during, and after working out.  But my brain loves the serotonin boost. After awhile, I feel awake and energized and optimistic about life.  That gets pretty addictive. I will say, what I told my husband for years, no one is ever going to exercise or lose weight unless THAT PERSON wants it. Every well-meaning encouragement, every subtle comment about eating dessert....none of it will ever motivate someone to change their exercise or eating habits. I had to want it.  I had to want it so bad, I was willing to work my life around it. God gave me the grace to want it, the funds to temporarily have a trainer and visit a nutritionist to get me started, and the grace to stay committed. I haven't lost weight in 9 months, I have probably gained weight, but it isn't about a number for me. I feel physically strong and mentally healthy.  Did I mention that uninterrupted shower I get too?  And childcare for my 2 year old (aka wild child) for $40 per month?  Win-win-win-win!


Who knew 4 kids would turn me into a gym rat??

Book Review!

A situation came up for us last weekend that made me realize I have not done enough educating to those around us.  I am pretty open about LJ' s health. I can't hide it, it creeps up on us when we least expect it, and it affects him behaviorally, so I prefer people know he would help it if he could.  We are a mess. It would be an exercise in futility to pretend otherwise.  

While LJ' s siblings understand this is our normal, others do not.  And I am so bad at that. What is the etiquette for teaching other people's kids what epilepsy is? Or immune deficiency? Or autism? Half of the parents I talk to don't know what an immune deficiency is. I can barely explain what epilepsy is to my own children.  But this situation demanded I figure it out.

So I googled and browsed Amazon, and read reviews and finally decided on 2 books for kids with epilepsy.  This particular book was perfect.  It was called, "The Great Katie Kate Explains Epilepsy" by M. Maitland DeLand.  It talks about several different kinds of seizures, how it affects them (it even mentions incontinence!), what testing kids have to go through, and how it gets treated.

We finally sat down as a family tonight and read it.

Afterwards, I could almost see my son physically relax.  I told him we would share this with friends and cousins, so they would understand what he goes through more. Anyone he wanted to share it with.  I think it helped him understand what he goes through, too.  You could almost see the relief in his body language.  I have tried to explain it in the past what goes on in the brain during a seizure, but clearly my squiggly lines were not adequate education. I am so thankful people write books like these for families like mine.

Now, where to find one on immune deficiency....

The Art of Shoe Shopping

Today, while the older kids were at Backyard Bible Club (thanks to the grace of God - seriously), EW and I went shoe shopping.  She has this way of running and scooting on her bikes that tears off the toes of her shoes.

OLD

She will be 3 in September, but she is the most agile of the 4 kids. I knew last time I bought her shoes, we needed Stride Rite shoes. They have rubber on the tips that help protect it. However, for some reason they only sell them in hot pink.  EW is a ginger.

The older she gets, the worse pink looks on her. I avoid buying pink now, and even though the shoes will go on her feet, it won't match a lot of her clothes if I buy pink shoes. So in March, I bought grey Merrills (they still were lined with pink), and in 3 months, she ruined them.  This is not my first time around the block. She is the 4th kid. All of the other kids, I was able to pass down some of their shoes, and usually I can stretch tennis shoes almost 6 months.  Even her flip flops have their tips worn through. All of her boots were ruined last winter unless I held them back for special days.

So today, when presented with Stride Rite shoes, what were my options? Hot pink and hot rainbow with a lot of hot pink. So we got some seriously hot pink shoes. I hope they last. At least the turquoise matched her outfit today.  That turquoise on the tips? Yes, that will hopefully prevent holes. She tried them on, put her old shoes in the back of the stroller, then immediately got in her stroller to leave with her new shoes on. At least she knows what she wants.  I had to make her wait until I paid for the shoes.

NEW

Wild child. Love her.

Soaking Up the Blessings

After our huge dose of reality Friday morning, I started off an amazing weekend. If I could guarantee every weekend would be like this, I would look forward to it every week!

Friday night was ladies night. These are ladies who have walked through the dark days with me.  Ladies I have laughed and cried with, shared worries and paranoia and research with.  Ladies who have seen me through EVERY diagnosis of LJ.  There are insufficient words to describe what they mean to me. These are ladies handpicked by God to walk with me through this journey.  We laughed, we cried, we ate, and we shared wine. What is not to love about ladies like that?

Saturday we woke to Museum of the Waxhaws' Living History Day and gold panning with the kids.  It was a very hot day, but fun was had by all, and I slipped some homeschool history in. Win-win.

Saturday night was DATE NIGHT!  Date night is always a good reason to be excited about the weekend! We tried a new chicken place, and bought furniture for the new pad!  I felt seriously spoiled.  

Farmhouse style, I love you.

Today we had fellowship with new neighbor friends.  (They are not really new neighbors, we just had not met them until recently.)  They have 2 boys close to our kids' ages, and we found we had a lot in common. We met them at a mutual neighbors' house, and invited them over.  I wouldn't say we knew each other well enough to say they were friends before today, but now, I think we might have found some life-long friends.  

I think my favorite part about this weekend is I spent it with the people I love the most, and met new friends who might also become a part of those precious few. The precious few who you are closest to and support you, no matter what happens. The precious few who love you for who you are.  The precious few who love you as God loves you. 

Answered Prayers

I wanted to write something light today, but today was just not a "light" kind of day.  Maybe tomorrow, after we've gone to the local Museum of the Waxhaws and Living History day.  Gold panning with the kids....hopefully, that will be a great post!  I am trying to find more of those moments.
 
Today was EEG day.  This is my son's 4th EEG.  Thankfully, it was a short one.  We are making sure the seizures haven't changed, since the medicine is not fully effective yet.  By ensuring they are similar to his original ones, it helps clarify what medicines are best to treat his seizures.  I asked for a lot of prayers from friends and family.  Ten years in, and procedures are still really tough for LJ.  Blood draws are the worst, they require 3 people to hold him down (1 is myself).  His last EEG, it took the tech and I 1 1/2 hours to hold him down to get the nodes (wires as LJ calls them) on his head.  I have a lot of anxiety before procedures and labs now, and I am not an anxious person.  He has panic attacks.  The last couple of years, I have avoided them as much as I can for both our sakes.  So I asked a lot of people to pray and I got pretty honest about how miserable they are.

I struggle with praying. I have been a Christian for 30 years and I still struggle.  I struggle with unbelief.  I believe God can answer my prayers, I just don't always believe He will answer them the way I want to.  I also get confused with the whole contentment thing.  Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."


I want to be content.  In many ways, I feel like I have accepted my lot in life.  I know God can heal my son, but I also know how much He has used my son and our circumstances to glorify Him.  I know God will sometimes say "no" to my prayer.  So in trying to accept the "no", I am trying not to get my hopes up for the "yes".  I am trying to be content, but then I get discouraged.  I worry, what if He doesn't answer my prayer for the EEG to go smoothly?  So I gear myself up for holding my son down, lots of screams and tears, carrying my 10 year old son out of the hospital over my shoulder....but that's not faith, either.  So I lose myself in this circle of trying to believe God, knowing He can do it, and trying to reconcile the disappointment if He chooses not to. 

Today went amazing.  God answered prayers.  LJ had self-control, followed instructions, and was able to do it from beginning to end with little fanfare.  There were some tears and lots of "ouch" spoken, but considering our other experiences, this was a rousing success.  And it reveals my lack of faith, my unbelief, that God will answer our prayers for strength.  Maybe contentment is solely for my plenty or want, not for strength and courage.  Maybe God answers "yes" when we ask for His strength and His courage, for He has a great supply of it.  Regardless, I am so incredibly thankful.  And next time, I hope my prayers for strength and courage are full of faith and hope in a God I know can give it, that He also will give it.

 



My Refuge

"In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks."  ~ John Muir

 

 

Full disclosure: I am not really a nature girl.  I think it started with the girl and ended with the allergies. I was taking Benedryl every 4 hours by 8 years old to survive ragweed season.  The southern doctors tell me it is stronger in the North (where I grew up), which explains why I quickly shifted to all the greenery in the South (that was not in the north). Claritin did not exist, or was not approved for children, to the best of my knowledge.  August and September were not fun.  The only way for me to survive was to stay inside with windows closed, preferably air conditioning (although in Michigan, I remember open windows and fans, not AC), and a good book.   So the outdoors and I had a tenuous relationship at best. 

But then, God gave me this journey. This beautiful, hard journey of parenting. Parenting with special needs. And I learned, after years of drowning, I needed a refuge. A place that was respite from the weariness and stress and a place I could shut out the noise of the world.  We moved last year, and this (below) has become that refuge, that respite place for me.  I wasn't really planning on it, but amazingly enough, the kids do not interrupt me on the screened porch often. God and I meet in the mornings, with my coffee in hand.  It is 95 degrees out lately, so for now, it is ICED coffee.  The squirrels rustle the leaves. The birds sing.  At night, I read, or in this case, blog.  The crickets chirp. The frogs ribbit. The grasshoppers sing. And God gives me peace here. It is quiet. There is room for rawness and reflection and confession and healing.  I think that is the part John Muir was talking about above. God gives us more than we seek. I am thankful.

"Have mercy on my, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge.  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."  Psalm 57:1

Joy in Delayed Blessings

Last year, LJ received a Minecraft Mod online class for his birthday. I don't really understand it all, but he can create mods to use in Minecraft, his favorite game. We actually gave it to him to encourage learning online and develop a life skill (learning Java) that he could later use in a career. Life skills are big in our family, especially since he struggles with executive functioning on an almost daily basis.

However, last year, Lucas really struggled getting through the intro part, where you learn how to copy and paste code, etc, etc. At the time (and I still am, albeit moderately better), I was busy chasing down a 2 yr old who had just stopped napping AT ALL and becoming pretty much a crazy mom. Did I mention we were also waiting on our house to finish getting built and all 6 of us were squeezed in my parents' house?  And LJ was also getting multiple medical procedures as we tried to help him?  Yeah, last fall was crazy. I was crazy.  So we stopped trying to get through the class because I had nothing left. I could not sit there and watch him cry and get frustrated. This was 2 months before we discovered he had epilepsy.  And then we moved and I forgot about the program for 6 months. Because that is what moms do.

Last week, nothing made LJ happy. He was bored. The chores were done, and it has been crazy hot here. And AHA!  I remembered! We have the Minecraft mods!  And it is school...on the computer! #momwin  So we started watching the intro...again. Today, we got through the intro, and LJ was so excited to get through it, he wanted to create a mod RIGHT AWAY.  (Keep in mind, I use this term without really knowing what it means!)  The look on his face tonight after creating a diamond sword that has blood (shudder! What did PBS teach him?? Seriously, we can barely watch non-cartoons!) was priceless. He was proud and happy and excited!  It was such a joy to see how the epilepsy meds have helped, and how the diagnosis has helped him get to where he is.

Sometimes, we have to go through the suffering to really see the joy in life. It is these moments I live for, because they are rare.  Delayed blessings are a gift because you receive a greater depth of understanding of what the blessing is. You know what it is like to be without the blessing. You know what the suffering looks like. And you soak up the joy when it comes. God is good.

The Way of the Giant Sequoia

Last month, my husband and I took a rare trip out west for his 40th birthday and our 15th wedding anniversary coming up this year.  We went to see the Giant Sequoias.  They are awe-inspiring, amazing works of God.  They make you feel infinitely small.  I have never felt more humbled by nature than standing by these gorgeous trees that are up to 40 feet in diameter.

 

The way the Giant Sequoias survive is only by a specific squirrel scattering its seeds, or by fire.

Fire has come back into our lives. 

There is a post I started a few weeks ago about the Year of the Rain.  It got deleted, late at night, after some computer glitches, and I miss the perfection of the first write.  This would be a sequel post if I had that post.  I hope to go back and re-write it, albeit less inspired, less perfect, but that is not where I am today.  I wish I had it written, so you could know we have had good days this year.  Lots of joy.  Days of peace.

Today, I am in the midst of the mixed blessing that is epilepsy.  Last year, I wrote how hard things were.  There are several blog drafts that are unpublished because I think they are probably harder than what people want to actually read about.  Suffice it to say, last year was difficult.  The single joy of last year was the diagnosis of epilepsy.  We had hope!  We had an answer we could actually treat, and might answer several of our questions. 

Nine months later, we are back to battle-weary mode.  We are closing in on maxing out on our first epilepsy drug.  I have loved this drug.  We had about 6 months of improvements on everything.  I really have no desire to change anything, except his body either needs more, or needs a different drug soon.  We have another EEG this Friday.  And I have all the pre-procedure anxiety to prove it.  LJ does horrible with any procedure.  Blood draws are the worst, but EEGs are no walk in the park. 

I keep reminding myself the grace in this, is we have drug options.  We have treatment options, unlike when we dealt with autism and you are just guessing.  However, my son, as usual, has atypical epilepsy in every way.  Things may not be any more straight-forward than it was when we thought he had autism, and the road may be just as rocky.  (I still have a lot of questions with the autism.  I look back, and I don't know that it wasn't epilepsy the whole time.  LJ has absent seizures and his symptoms today look like his symptoms from the last 10 years.  We have no family history of seizures, and you cannot tell he has them, but it affects his executive functioning and processing significantly.  That is probably a whole other post.) 

I have spent the last month searching....searching for ways out of the isolation my child's needs create, ways to connect with other families, ways to connect with other homeschoolers, ways to create a life that is less living in need and more giving....but LJ's needs take a lot out of our family.  So I have been praying and searching and waiting....I think today, God gave me an answer.  

 

LJ's special needs are my fire.  God's refining fire, reminding me of his grace daily and sanctifying me into a better mother, wife, friend, Christ-follower.  God scatters His glory, His seed, by sending me fires.  The National Forest does controlled fires with the Giant Sequoias to help spread their seed.  I enjoyed my 9 months of rain, but it is apparently a time of fire again.  As with the Giant Sequoias, I think new growth will come of this.  I talked with a wonderful, experienced lady this morning about epilepsy and through my own need for one, realized there are no local epilepsy support groups.  God gave me this friend who also has a child with epilepsy about my son's age, and also homeschools, and is willing to do this with me.  This is where God's glory shines...new growth.

Set My Heart Free

"I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws. I hold fast to your statutes, O Lord; do not let me be put to shame. I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." Psalm 119:30-32

"...For you have set my heart free."  I have heard many people reject God because they "can't be good enough" or they feel there are too many rules. My own rebelliousness in contrast has been very small in my life. Some laugh at my attempts to rebel, but in my heart, it still is, even if it seems small to our culture.  And note, I say rebelliousness, not sin.  I sin all the time.  Every day. All day.  And I am thankful for God's grace that covers it, but I digress.

The secret I find many are missing, as described in this Psalm, is that God's laws set us free. They set our hearts free.  They protect us. They give us freedom.  Freedom from guilt and shame and the chains of sin.  God's laws were never meant to bind us, but to free us.

There are a lot of changing laws in our country right now. I read this Psalm, and thought, our country has lost what it means to be truly free. We have lost Christ. We are making new laws that hold us all in more chains, which is the antithesis of the Great Revolution of the United States. (They are also the antithesis of the gospel of Jesus Christ.)  We are making laws to protect everyone's rights, but as a result, by the very same rule, we are denying someone else's rights to be who they are.  More division.  More brokenness.  More pain.  Chains and more chains. 

It was a good reminder to me this morning, on the dawning of a new age, that God's laws have already set my heart free. I also read Psalm 11, which was a reminder of how big our God is. I do not have to worry about what laws do or do not get passed in this country. I am not in chains. I am free.  The only laws I have to follow for my freedom are God's laws.

"There is a strong stillness deep within me, the place where God lives. He is not pulled in ten thousand directions and in Him, neither am I," says Emily Freeman on Ann Voskamp's website "A Holy Experience." 


"In Him, neither am I."  I think that is so true.  So often, with kids with special needs, with a path chosen that is different from so many others, and the path is lonely.  I get weary and burdened and isolated based on the needs of my kids.  Yet I feel no compulsion to change our course. No drive to jump on the train everyone else is on.  It is very clear to me what path God has chosen for us.  I cannot change the needs of my children. I cannot change that homeschooling is the best fit for us right now, the right calling for us right now.  We have doctor appointments and therapy, medicines that sometimes take us half the morning to drink, body reactions that need to be monitored, fatigue and naps that need to be accommodated, allergy-free food that needs to be prepared.  I cannot change any of it.  And so, with certainty, we follow this path.  This very narrow path that is different from many others.  It is focused.  It is unknown.  It is wearisome.  It is lonely.  It is difficult.  But there is a peace that comes with acceptance of this path.  We embrace the good days.  We rejoice on the days we get to spend with friends.  We rest in thankfulness on the days where there is health and smiles and play.  Those are the moments we treasure, and they are all the more meaningful in-between the days that are hard.  But even on the difficult days, we know, this is our path, God is our comfort and Savior, and we dig deep to remember the reward of the good days.  The blessing of the good moments.

5 Special Needs Homeschooling Helps

I just finished writing an email to someone asking for advice on how to homeschool their kid who has autism.  At first, it was a lengthy rambling of history.  After the computer accidently deleted half, I got more focused, and realized I had a blog post by the end!  So here are my personal helps on homeschooling a kid with special needs.  Every kid and their struggles are different, so keep that in mind here. 

Make a list of rules.  Maybe give him a reward (a sticker, a skittle, iPad time after schoolwork is done, whatever ways of working to a reward works for him) for each day he goes by them.


Keep your goals low early on - for him & for you.  For example, we started our year with Bible, math & handwriting (Bible is just important us and his handwriting is atrocious - we had to start back at preschool in Handwriting without Tears).  Math he is great at (although it is getting difficult now), and handwriting was his weakness.  We did one of each so he would remain motivated.  That's all we did until I realized he was ready for more.  Then we added science.  Then we added history the next week.  Reading we did thru Bible, history & science, but I have recently increased it with outside literature.  For now, I'm reading to him, based on advice from other older, wiser homeschoolers who say some kids, esp boys, take longer with the reading and it clicks between ages 10-12, and that he is developmentally delayed.  We still get books from the library that he chooses that he does read on his own, but they are things like Ninjago.  :)  Not very educational, but it's something.  If he's behind on several subjects, start small.  Start with things he likes.  Build on it.  I still don't feel like I'm covering enough with my kids, but I don't know if homeschool moms ever do.  I don't do spelling or grammar, he doesn't write stories or poems yet, there are so many things we don't do yet.  And yet, I want what he does know, he knows well.  He does have memory issues and decoding issues from auditory processing disorder.  Then we'll build on that. And he can't do 7 hours a day.  He just can't.  He can barely do 2 hours in a row.  The reward, I think, if you can stick with it, is that YOU get to see them learn before your very eyes.  You get to see that what you are putting in WILL come out.  And you will be right there with them when that happens.  Learn that you set the pace, and you know the pace he can go at.  The beauty of homeschooling is there is no gage to go by.  Eventually our kids will know the same things their peers will...perhaps they will know even more.  But they will do it on a different path than their peers.  And maybe be less stressed out and enjoy it more in the long run.

Be flexible.  When we first started, I showed LJ what we had to accomplish.  I said, these are the non-negotiables about the schedule  (Bible always comes first - I am doing a theme on putting others first/humility to focus on character), but everything else you can change the order of.  We can change where you sit while you do it.  The only other thing that is non-negotiable is that you do the work I ask you to do.  And I at least communicated, we have a structure, but if it doesn't work for you, you have choices.  Of course, sometimes he tries to manipulate that, and then he starts getting fewer choices.  Or like the other day, he kept resisting me on his math worksheet, so I finally started putting one math problem on the dry erase board at a time, so he wasn't visually looking at the whole page.  After we got thru the tough stuff, he did the rest of the worksheet by himself.  For awhile we did math & handwriting on the days Mon/Wed when he had speech & I had allergy shots, then Tues/Thurs were science or history days (1 day for each so we could take time doing the activities with them) and Friday/Sat our field days or catch up days (his dad sometimes works on Sat, so sometimes I did my errand running on Friday & make up on Sat).


Take breaks (use a timer, or do before lunch, then after lunch), do sensory stuff (I keep theraputty, play-doh, mini trampoline, noise putty, etc handy) and have snacks at hand.


Get creative.  Ok, this one is a very difficult one for me.  Teaching has never been my gift.  Creativity is like my long lost relative...I'm supposed to be related, but I can't remember the last time I saw them.  But I'm slowly learning to go with my gut.  I saw these Story Cubes at Target.  They were like $7.  While Lucas is not at a point to write a story...or maybe I'm not ready to dig in to the process that would require teaching him because last year at school he writes a bullet point story that is more like a list of facts....these story cubes you toss & tell a story based on the pictures that land face up.  Someday, I may write the story as he tells it on the easel and work our way towards storytelling & writing.  But I do things SLOW.  I have 4 kids 8 & under...nothing around here gets accomplished quickly!  :)  And for now, it's a great way to break up the other school work while still counting it as school work!  One of my friends posted that she got this new game Bird Bingo.  Well, we are doing a science curriculum where we are only studying birds. I totally bought it on amazon for $7 I think, and it counted, with the math bingo game that I think my mom picked up in the Target $1 section, as school for today.  I had appointments today, and very little time to school, but I know they actually were learning something today.  This part might be the hardest part, but after you get in a routine, it will get easier to be creative.  Or start creative and fun, and work towards the routine.  Use the new creative stuff to motivate getting thru the hard stuff.  One day, we were doing ancient Egyptian history, and I looked up apps and found one on pyramids.  Downloaded it, and made it fun for them. 


I love, love, love how flexible homeschooling is.  Make it something that works for him & you.  And finding what works just takes time.  It's ok if he's "not learning" at the same rate as his peers while you find your way.  In the long run, he will probably learn things better, in that he will understand the information better and more thoroughly.  We recently just missed a month of school because of Christmas/New Year's/moving/visiting family from out of town.  I feel very behind, but have to remind myself it's a marathon, not a sprint.  They don't have to have diplomas at 17.  It can be 19.  But regardless, that sense of accomplishment will really be something, won't it??  I was thinking about it the other day, and IF he gets there (we have such a long way to go!), I will surely be an emotional mess of a mother, so proud, and so emotional of all the obstacles he will have overcome.